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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and we ...

Customer Question

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and we get along perfectly except when it comes to political issues. I am conservative and he's liberal. Actually, he's pretty conservative in his own life but his friends are liberals. So I guess birds of a feather flock together. Anyhow, we infrequently argue (not disrespectfully) about politics and laws, the times when the arguments occur, I feel sad and start thinking he's not the one for me. But on the other hand I truly love him with all my heart and I know he loves me too. He seems to be more upset after our arguments than I am while deep in my heart, I feel this difference is a huge deal and in the long run it could cause bigger problems especially if we get married and have children. My heart would be broken if I dump him so I'm stuck with making a decision that is killing me which is why I'm here for advise. What can I do or say to him (without arguing) that will cause him to talk to me more about his political views. From this I want to be able to make my decision if I want to continue the relationship or not?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
Answered via Just Answer Chat.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I don't see an answer. Has my question been answered please?
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hello lwad,

I apologize, it seems that our chat did not go through as it should have

Can you tell me what type of politics and laws you've argued about?

How do you think his differing views could affect you and/or your children/family in the future?

Does he feel these arguments are detrimental to the relationship?

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Reply to Ms Chase's Post: Hello Chase,

I just received your message.

My boyfriend and I argue about laws such as the smoking ban in cars with people under 18. He thinks it's an invasion on one's rights and I think the law speaks for children who would not otherwise be heard. We have disagreed about the the Iraq war. And we also disagree about religion.

I think if we were married and had children there would be disagreement about our different values and beliefs in relation to how our children should be raised. He feels anything goes while I feel there are standards.

His only comment about our differences is they are our only problem. And he tries to avoid having political, religious and such conversations with me and I try to do the same with him but I'm/we're learning that these issues cannot be avoided.

Thank you.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

Hello,

Thank you for that follow up information. You're right in that this can affect the both of you deeply, particularly when it comes to making decisions about your children, family, friends, jobs, even seemingly unaffected areas like where you will travel, live, go to church, do in your spare time, work, etc.

While whether or not smoking in the car can become a big issue, depends upon whether or not either of you smokes. For example, if you don't smoke, and don't want him smoking in the car with the children, and he defies that request. Or if his friends are in the car and he allows them to smoke while the children are in the car. If neither of you smokes, it seems like an insignificant argument, nothing that should be detrimental to the relationship, but could possibly come into play sometime in the future.

When it comes to how your children should be raised, its very significant. If you cannot agree how the children will be raised then you may want to reconsider having children with him. My first suggestion would be for you both to sit down with a piece of paper and a pen, and make a list of the 20 most important things about raising children, your "must have" rules, what religion they will practice if any, how you will discipline, how you want to handle religion, school, extra curricular activities, their friends, your home, meals/diet, medical care, etc. Once you make the lists, then you can talk about areas in which you and him are willing to compromise and areas where you feel you have to be firm.

Many people don't do this. They meet, fall in love, and get married and its only when they already have a few children that they realize that they have totally different ideas on how their children should be raised. It can be a very scary moment and have serious, long-reaching consequences.

This does not mean that the two of you cannot/should not get married. The point of loving someone is also loving their differences. If we were exactly the same as the people we loved, we probably wouldn't love them as much. It's our differences that attract and intrigue us so much.

While these are things to think about and address, they don't have to mean the end of the relationship, as long as the two of you are willing to sit down and discuss future plans. Additionally, if the arguments remain on topic, and do not consist of an attempt to make it personal or hurt the other person, then they are far more healthy that arguments that include pettiness, name calling or saying things to specifically hurt the other person.

I welcome your thoughts...let me know if you want to talk more.

Warmly

Chase

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Reply to Ms Chase's Post: Hi Chase,

I completely understand your answer and I am happy with it. However, I think the paper and pen scenario won't work with him but I will find another way to warm up to him to ask about how he feels about raising children (without sounding like I'm already planning our future together...don't want to scare him off). Although, I pretty much know he believes in pro-choice and I do too but I chose to live by and practice a faith and someday raise my/our children with my beliefs in hopes that they will grow up in, remember and live by what they've been taught. He believes in God but he practices no faith. He thinks a person should live how they chose and that God won't punish them.

Anyhow, my BF is a great guy. Our disagreements are never disrespectful but his views really scare me. I know/feel he wants to marry me and I want spend the rest of my life with him too but I fear if we are married I'll end up unhappy because we don't share the same beliefs; what he thinks is harmless I think is destructive. I love him as a person and I know I can't change him but I'm afraid he is not the man for me. I just don't see a way around our differences. I am unwilling to compromise my faith just as he may be unwilling to compromise his way. This hurts me more than anything I've ever realized or any pain I've ever felt because I'm truly in love with this man. I want/need him everyday and I know he feels the same because he tells me. I guess my dilemma is in whether my love for Jesus is stronger than my love for my BF.

Thanks for all your help and anymore feedback. I will appreciate it.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.

I understand, and it may be imperative for you to at least let him know what your thoughts and beliefs are and be firm about so that he knows your position completely. Although you love him, overlooking major differences and beliefs can only hurt you in the long run. Perhaps if he is indifferent to religion he would allow you to raise the children according to your beliefs, but the question is will your beliefs allow for a husband who doesn't have them? Its a hard position to be in, and the best way to try and work it out is to talk, talk, talk.....maybe you won't do the list about children, but it may help for you to write down things you've agreed and disagreed on so that you know what needs to be addressed and you can attempt to come to a middle ground or compromise.

I hope this helps. Good luck with everything.

Warmly

Chase

Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thanks for helping me put things into perspective. Before confronting him with all this, generating my own list sounds good. Thanks again.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 6 years ago.
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Ms Chase
Ms Chase
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Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues