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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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Should I stay in a marriage because I feel obligated to the ...

Customer Question

Should I stay in a marriage because I feel obligated to the woman I married? I married her for the wrong reasons but she is a wonderful woman and wife. I simply am not happy in this marriage. But, like I said, I feel obligated to her because she has worked harder than anyone I have ever met to help us and is loyal and faithful. She keeps a good home and even does most of the yardwork. She helps me in my business and loves me very much. So, should I stay married to a good woman even though I am not happy with the marriage but feel obligated to her?
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 7 years ago.

What do you consider the "wrong" reasons?

How old are the two of you?

Do you have any children?

What makes you unhappy in the marriage?

Chase

Customer: replied 7 years ago.
Reply to Ms Chase's Post: Hello dear; thank you for your attention. In early 2004, I found out that the woman I was married to for 20 years had been cooking the books at our company. I tried for years to get her to do her job but never could get her to comply. Her job was simply to take care of the paperwork pay the bills and answer the phone. Basically office management. We were somewhat successful and found ourselves in a position where we could have retired after the purchase of a commerical property then 4 years passed and the appreciation of it would have given us our dream. I had chosen her poorly and also for the wrong reasons but still stayed with her for 20 years out of obligation. When I discovered her deceipt and that she had gotten us in about $250000 trouble with the government, I decided to move out of the house into my old office at my business. Then when I found out how bad it was and about the secret accounts, I filed for divorce and scrambled for trying to stay ahead of things. I was emotionally destroyed and could not function normally. At this point I could not fix the problem and was desperately trying anything to make some of the pain go away. I did allot of stupid things. I was not ready for a relationship and I knew it. I told myself I would not get involved with the first woman that came along and that I would try to recover emotionally and financially before trying to find someone. I told myself that I would try to become comfortable with being alone first. But I was miserable and hurting very badly. I was looking at singles websites and meeting women there. I thought it would be safe enough because it was virtual right? I met a woman who was on American singles. I found out that she was actually from Russia and had been in my state for some time because her son was an international dancer and therefore she had a visitors visa to come to the USA. She asked if she could come visit me and I said sure. I was weak and she was and is a wonderful woman. But I wasn't ready. She knew the situation also. But time went by and she comforted me in a way that I couldn't live without. She helped me through some very hard times and worked like a man through all the long hours of preparing to move my business when the commercial property sold. I was in a state where I couldn't make sound decisions. But, I pushed myself to first rent an apartment for us. We couldn't live in the office after all. I bought us bedroom furniture and a TV. We lived there and I paid to have her teeth fixed, $13000.00. We continued to build a relationship even though I knew I shouldn't. We got a dog. She wanted the dog and I wanted to give her everything. We bought dishes, a microwave, sheets and linnens, I bought her a sewing machine. She if a very talented seamstress. Things continued and it came to the point to where I would either have to let her go back to Moscow or marry her. I didn't want to be married and faught with myself every day until the day before we did it. So I just did it. After my experience with my ex, I couldn't bring myself to trust a woman. But I made the decision to give her my trust. IN other words it was forced. As time went by, we sold the commercial property and I justifyed buying us a house. I bought a house that was more than I wanted to spend because it was what she wanted. I bought a washer and dryer that was more than I wanted to spend because she wanted it. I bought living room furniture that was expensive. I bought her a BMW SUV and always justifyed it. Now, I feel traped in a prison that I constructed from debt and obligation. Besides being trapped by my business and still trying to build it back to where it should be. If I hadn't gotten involved with her, I would have been recovered financially by now. But I also wouldn't have had her help in getting where I am today. But I still feel trapped and in prison and I simply want out. I want out of all obligations including the house payment, the loans I took for us to survive and buy the BMW. I want out of the obligations to keep the business paying the employees and out from under the scruitiny of the customers. I just want to escape! I want a new life and I want to go away from all my history here. And none of this speaks of what my son has done to me over the years. He was from a previious mariage and is not 25 years old and has barely gotten able to keep a job. His drug usage and stealing from people and time in jail plus using my social security number for credit that I have spent about 10 years fighting makes me with he had never been born. So you see, I have had many years of trouble and I feel it is time for me to pay attention to my needs. But I owe my current wife as she has been faithful and hard working for our life together. I just didn't marry her because I wanted to. And now all these obligations I've gotten myself into to give her what she wanted, even though she never insisted, have stressed me out to the point of having panic attacks and being abusive. I was physically abusive one time and now she is afraid of me. I hope this isn't too intense for you. I feel that I need to end this marriage, sell the house and the BMW to pay off the debt and make it easier on me. But I worry about her. She deserves a good life and I want her to be OK. She doesn't deserve to be abused. But the Russian women are so steadfast in their commitment to a relationship. They really will put up with allot of abuse and keep working and being commited to the relationship far after they should. Also I feel that she deserves to keep her status and her green card. In October we are supposed to file to continue her green card then in April she can file for citizenship. But I want to move on now. She could file for citizenship under the abused women clause of some law. It shouldn't get me in trouble either according to an immigration attorney that we spoke to regarding another frined and russian american couple. OK, do your magic!

Oh sorry I didn't answer your questions. There are no children of this marriage. I am 51 and she is 47. What makes me unhappy? I am generally unhappy and I think I compounded the problem by looking for a solution by changing something I had control over rather than bearing with the problems I had and dealing with them. I have told others that when a person is so miserable and needs to change his situation but the solution is impossible or too slow to change, he will change something that is under his control. This situation under his control is likely something that doesn't need changed therefore leading that person into doing something rash or stupid. I think this is what I allowed to happen. I felt so comforted by her presence and help that I couldn't let it go at the time. So I made a big mistake. Now I feel the stress of trying to do everything for her and therefore resent her even though she did not force me to do any of it. I am simply a generous man and wanted to give her everything. In the process, I dug my hole deeper. And now I want out.

Jack
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 7 years ago.

Well Jack, you certainly gave me a lot of information and I applaud you for your frankness and sincerity. We all make mistakes, some are worse than others, but your life is your life to live and no one can tell you what is right or wrong for you.....only you can make that decision.

With that being said....there does seem to be some sort of karmic debt owed to this woman. This angel that helped you when you needed it the most. The fact is, you can still help her, maybe she wont drive a BMW, or live in the biggest house on the block, but you can still help her get a nice car and a nice apartment, and not leave her high and dry, which it doesn't sound like that is what you want to do, if I'm hearing you correctly.

It's just a matter of standing up straight, and being a man and telling her, this is what's going to happen. Sure it's going to hurt, and she may get upset and cry...who knows. In the long run, it's more fair to her to allow her the chance to find someone who will really love her, for her. You can't stay with someone out of obligation, no matter how well intented it is. It's not fair to her, and it's not fair to you.

You've been through a lot, yes....many of us have....but you're still here, and you still have a heart and a soul. You just need to find direction, and passion. Do what you need to do what you have to do to make you happy. What you have to be careful of is falling back into the same trap all over again should you get lonely. I'm sorry to hear about your son, things will only change in his life when he is ready to change.

I think you already know what you need....must.....do. It's just a matter of time. Check with your lawyer and find out what you need to do, to sell what you need to sell, to be fair to her, but more impotantly to at least be able to walk away with something for yourself. Help make sure she gets her citizenship, you owe her that much. After that, just try to be happy. Try to figure out what it is that Jack wants to do with his life. The new life you want, can start right now, this very minute as you are reading these words, you can take a deep breath and make the decision to change your life forever. I have faith you can do that, but what matters more is if you have faith in yourself. Do you?

Chase

Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience: Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
Ms Chase and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 7 years ago.
Yep, you pretty well support what I have concluded. I needed some confirmation. Thanks
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 7 years ago.

I'm glad. If you can let me know how things go, I would love to hear back from you. If you need to talk at any time, please feel free to request me by name.

Good luck with everything and be strong.

Chase

Customer: replied 7 years ago.
I am always up for someone to talk to. I am so depressed. Last March 9, on woman's day, at the woman's day celebration, we and some other Rus/American couples went together. All the girls left the men to go dance and fool around leaving us to do whatever, all the guys just scattered. I was looking around at the mansion where the party was and found an old customer of mine who had married a Ukrainian woman. I was sitting talking to him and his wife and another Russian woman came in. I was talking to my friend and he introduced the girls then we continued talking when one of the girls asked the other, in Russian, what time it was. The other one answered and I said did you say it's 9:30? They said "Yes, You speak Russian? So that started another conversation. I was talking to the other girl, Jeff, my friend and his wife were talking when in walks my wife and you could see the fire in her eyes. From then on the night was a disaster. After going home, she continued and it put me into one of my panic attacks. I went completely crazy and physically abused her. It scared me I think more than her. I tried to leave the house and she wouldn't let me jumping on me locking me in the house so I couldn't get to the car, jumping on the hood of the car and finally, I was able to get out. I rented a motel for a couple weeks and went to counciling plus a psychatrist. She put me on Zoloft. It seemed to help for a while but now the panic attacks have resumed and seem to be getting worse. My wife is afraid of me and I don't blame her. And like I told you, I feel like a prisoner and just want to escape. I am thinking about doing what I should have done when we sold the other comercial property and just selling everything, paying off all the debt and going away from Tulsa. There is so much history here that is rubbed in my face every day plus the struggle to keep financially on top of things and I feel like I'm barely afloat. I'm too old for this and it's not helping to make me any younger. I think I would benifit by just getting away for a while to rest for one thing. If I could afford to travel for a while and live with no responsibility it would be a nice break and I might be able to think and make some decisions for myself. Right now and for a long time, I have been so upset I haven't been able to have any confidence in my decisions. So I deliberate over every little thing until picking it to pieces and driving myself crazy with details. I am highly qualifyed and should be able to get a pretty good job for someone else and let's face it, if you're self employed you have to make a fortune to hope for a secure retirement. And that was taken away from me. So, I am at the age where if I want to be able to put in my time somewhere I better get to doing it. I don't really know how to get there from here considering all the things that need to be done in order to liquidate. I't all a very overwhelming mess. Thanks for listening. If you want to continue counciling me, just let me know about paying you something. You know, finances are at the root of my problem and stress but it also requires money to get help. I'm going back to the phyciatrist tomorrow and she will probably increase my dosage. I just think I will continue to build a resistance to it and wind up working for a while before having another reoccurance. Then after that appointment I have to take my son to court. I could write on and on about all my issues but I think this is enough for now. It's a pity you aren't here in Tulsa. You could read my cards or something. Talk to you later.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 7 years ago.
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Ms Chase
Ms Chase
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Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues