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Mandy, Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 305
Experience:  Practical Guidance in Love and Relationships. Training in Youth Suicide Prevention.
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how to let go of an affair partner

Customer Question

how do i get this person out of my head. if i dont do something im going to lose my husband.
Submitted: 10 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Mandy replied 10 years ago.

There are three parts to the way affairs should end. The first part is revealing the affair to one's spouse, the second part is never seeing or communicating with the affair partner again, and the third part is getting through symptoms of withdrawal after a permanent separation takes place.

After admitting to the affair you need to examine the personal reasons that caused the affair and what needs to change to avoid the temptation in the future.

It is important to remember to not give the affair more power over your life than it deserves. Know that your affair has nothing to do with your love for your husband, nor does it make you a failure in your marriage. What the affair does tell you though, is that there are essential issues that need to be addressed.

Talk to your husband about the affair and the reasons that drove you to it. The focus is to find and establish the reasons for the affair and ways you can move on with your lives together.

A marriage has to meet the needs of the two people involved. Understand what your husband's needs are so you can meet them and communicate with your husband what your own needs are as well. If you feel something is missing in your marriage that has caused you to look outside the marriage to meet those needs, now is the time to address those concerns with your husband.

Good communication will be the key to your road to recovery, listen with undivided attention and understanding, as well as answering the questions you are asked and finding suitable solutions on how to prevent the same event in the future.

Your husband forgiving you does not mean that he will forget what has happened, but it does mean that he has accepted what has transpired and is ready to move forward without bringing the past into your future as a couple.

Your trust will strengthen as time goes by but only through your convincing actions. Rebuilding the trust, passion and strength in your marriage will take a reasonable amount of time and could even require counseling if you feel you cannot make it on your own.

Affairs usually take place because they meet important emotional needs. Once an affair begins, it is like an addiction. The same emotional attachment that drew you and your husband into marriage is now directed towards someone else. All contact with the affair partner must stop, any emotional support that you need should be met by your husband. In time you will realize that and will no longer desire the relationship with the affair partner.

I want you to read the articles I have listed below; I think they will offer you some great insight and advice on what is to happen in your marriage and how to overcome the problems you are facing now.

(please click on the links listed below)

Coping with Infidelity, Part 2: How Should Affairs End? explains the three steps in ending an affair, including how to get through withdrawals from your affair partner.

Coping with Infidelity, Part 3: Restoring the Marital Relationship. explains how to rebuild a marriage after an affair has ended.

Four Rules to Guide Marital Recovery After an Affair.

:::I wish you the absolute best and I hope this helps:::

Mandy, Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 305
Experience: Practical Guidance in Love and Relationships. Training in Youth Suicide Prevention.
Mandy and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 10 years ago.
Relist: I want a different opinion.
Expert:  Stephen replied 10 years ago.
I agree with Mandy, as far as the steps to take.

Before you do that though, I think you need to evaluate whether you are in a relationship that you want to try and salvage.

Affairs rarely occur out of a desire for sex. Affairs are
generally a sign that a relationship is in serious trouble, or one
partners search for an emotional connection.

Do you love your husband? Is there some reason you feel you want to
stay with him? Are there any religous or moral considerations ?

These are questions you need to answer before you make any decisions.

Ultimately, no matter what your decision is, your husband deserves to
know the truth. You also need to get tested BEFORE you engage an
any sexual activity with your husband, that is only fair to him.

Making these decisions will help rid you of the attachment to the person you had the affair with.

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