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Vickie
Vickie, Nurse (RN)
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 85
Experience:  27 years relationship experience, 14 years happily married, have counseled many
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marriage

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been married a little over one year. but seems like all we do lately is argue. we dont really share any of the same interests.. both in mid 30's, third marriage each. i work swing shift. when i get my days off, we cant agree on anything to do ,so we end up doing nothing...i like to drink beer on my days off, but the wife doesnt like to drink. we very rarely have sex or anything.   we have no outside friends to speak of. any suggestions
Submitted: 11 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Karel1 replied 11 years ago.
Both being married three times.I suggest you each look at what made your other marriages break up and simply try your hardest to not repeat the errors.First of all working swing shift is hard.Most of the time yo9ur body has a rough time getting use to having their sleep patterns change.You are too tired to do anything.If there is a way you can change to a better shift might help,or perhaps at least once a month you can change your shift or take off a day for only you and your wife and go out on a date.Yes a real date that you would go on if you were both single.Make reservations at a nice restaurant ,dress up ,bring her flowers.Yes literally dont let her see you dress up .Make a pact that you both really act as if this were your first date.Have a nice dinner.Then go home ,play some nice music,lose the lights and literally swoon her.,withoug the beer drinking.Many times couples have to rekindle the relationship as if they were still girlfriend and boyfriend not man and wife.I suggest you both sit down this weekend and ask your wife if she would be willing to try this.Perhaps dating once a month will light back up the way you each looked at each other when you first met.Marriage is a constant 24/7 job.One has to make sacrifices like really and truly looking in your loved ones eyes.You may find this is all your marriage needed to change its outlook.Keep doing it once a month,not just half way,but literally date her all the way.Then the next date you have.Each one of you would have that whole month to anticipate the next months date.Take time out of your swing shift,and call your wife just to say hello,I love you.Your wife also has to put in her share.Perhaps have a hot dinner when he comes home regardloess of the time.Perhaps call him up to say you love him.Being married 3 times,I think both of you can learn from what went wrong those 3 times and not repeat them.Its time each of you decided if you want someone in your life,to sahre yourself with when your older.If all else fails,there is always marriage counseling.Im not an expert in the area,My husband and I were also each married once,and he says just knowing he does not have an empty house to go home too,is enough to cherish me,and I feel the same way.There comes a time in our lives where really realize each one is not getting younger,and you both must decide if you want to spend your elder years,alone or with each other.Good Luck
Expert:  Vickie replied 11 years ago.

DearCustomer


First of all, I have been married 14 years, and believe me when I say that EVERYONE argues. I don't care what you may see on the outside, but when no one else is around everyone argues. It is human nature. You just have to know that just because you argue, that does not mean that you don't love each other. At least you are communicating and getting things off your chest. But it is true. You also need to realize that a good marriage is not just handed to you. You have to work on it 24/7. It is a LOT of give and take, and sometimes it may seem as though you are the only one that is giving all the time, but I am sure that your wife gives a lot also. You stated that you like to drink on the weekends and she doesn't...you still do it though, don't you? you for sure haven't given that up for the sake of your wife and marriage... sometimes it is the things that "aren't" said that can be the problem. You need to open up the lines of communication between you and your wife...so you can both talk again, just like you did when you first got together. You have to realize, that things are not ever going to be like the way they were in the beginning. You have grown together, had good and bad times together, and that has made you who you are today. You need to learn to grow together from here, your relationship can be better now than it has ever been. You just need to "fall in love" all over again. Romance her. Try to get that "spark" back in your life again, you have gotten into a rut, and things just aren't exciting for you anymore...but what you have to realize babe, is things aren't always going to be "exciting", and that doesn't have to mean that you've fallen out of love. Since your wife doesn't like to drink, why don't you try going the extra mile and doing something that "she" would like to do for awhile? I am here to tell you, that women LOVE romance. They want and need, to feel that they are your everything. And a note from you - a flower -or even just a kiss everyday telling her what she means to you will mean the world to her. I always told my husband that I am not a "high maintenance woman" when it comes to monetary things...but I "AM" high maintenance when it comes to the "Love" part. There is nothing that I loved more than waking up in the morning (because my husband let me sleep in while he went to work), and finding a "good morning" note from him telling me how much he loved me, and would miss me that day. I guess I am just somewhat of an insecure Ole romantic in that way, because this is my third marriage also, and I don't care if we are as poor as a church mouse, as long as he tells me, and shows me that he loves me every day. Talk is cheap, I want him to also Show me that he loves me, by holding my hand as we walk, giving me a kiss in the grocery store, cuddling up together and watching a movie, or taking a weekend get away together and spending the whole weekend in a motel doing anything we want to do, with no one else around...just going to the movie, or going shopping, to a gun and knife show, a car show, or maybe not even leaving the motel at all, and just spending that day telling each other how much we mean to each other and watching TV, curled up in bed all day long...do you see what I mean?? making it a "Just Us" weekend, and doing absolutely anything we want to do, or nothing at all. My husband doesn't like to shop - he is doing it for me...do you see? He would just as soon be out on a river bank fishing all day. I don't know how to tell you what you need to do, as I don't know you or your wife...just don't be so hasty to give up on her yet. You haven't been together that long, and you still have a whole lifetime to share...this is your third marriage, you know they say, "the third time is the charm"...why not try harder than you ever have to make this one work...isn't she worth it? aren't you worth it? God thinks you are.


I wish you two the best in the world, you are in my prayers.

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