I am very sorry for the intense pain of grief that you are feeling. You are not to blame. God gives all of us the ability of choice. Your husband chose the path that he took which invovled medication that was life threatening. He knew of the possibility that it could end his life. That was his decision. You did not make him take those pills. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Yes, you are a nurse, but that does not mean that you would have recognized the low resporation rate. Your husband had accepted Jesus Christ into his heart. Your husband accepted the fact that Jesus Christ died on the cross to forgive all of us our sins. Your husband asked Jesus for forgivness of his past sins. With that, your husband was saved. Jesus said that whoever believes in Him will be saved. When Jesus died on the cross, we all were saved from Past, Present, and future sins. As long as we believe and accept Jesus into our hearts, try to live a sinless life (which none of us can do, because we are human), ask forgiveness when we do sin, we all will be in Heaven. Your husband was trying to over come his addiction. Jesus knows this. Your husband is with God, and he is safe and happy. Jesus said, that we all will have our trials and tribulations. We all will feel pain and grief, but it is to make us stronger and strengthen our faith in God. Sometimes things happen that we do not understand but God will never leave us and in time we see that the trajedies that we have experienced leds us down a better path. You are in grief right now, and you are overwhelmed with what has happened. Being in the medical field does not change grief. There is no reason for you to think of suicide. That is a permenant solution to a temporary situation. In God's time, He will show you answers to the questions that you have. You need to take a moment and step back. Get prfessional counseling and grief managment. It will definately help, I know because I have been there. You can not blame yourself for your husband's death. There is no blame. When we are born, we have an appointed time to die. Only God knows this. If you are blaming yourself because you are a nurse and feel that if you had recognized his resporation rate, you could have saved him, that is not true. He may have had hidden health related issues that neither one of you were aware of. Please consider professional counseling for awhile. You are in a very distraught state, and it is quite understandable. Grief is a very hard thing for anyone to understand, and it is very exhausting. It will take time and no one can put a time limit on grief... it is a very personal thing and everyone grieves differently. Let me say, again, that my heart goes out to you, and I can understand what you are feeling. Do not punish yourself with guilt. God does not want it that way, and you have a life to live. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Take one hour at a time, one step at a time and it will get easier with time. Remember, Footprints in the Sand... God said... "child, it was then that I carried you"
You may also want to contact Alanon. It is for people who love alcoholics and drug abusers. It is to help them and teach them how to cope. It is spiritually based in the 12 steps of recovery.
Here is another site that may help you:
Nurses in Recovery:
It is for anyone in the health profession who is in recovery and also for those who love them.
You are in my prayers
21 I find, then, this law in my case: that when I wish to do what is right, what is bad is present with me. 22 I really delight in the law of God according to the man I am within, 23 butI behold in my members another law warring against the law of my mindand leading me captive to sin’s law that is in my members. 24Miserable man that I am! Who will rescue me from the body undergoing this death? 25 Thanksto God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So, then, with [my] mind I myselfam a slave to God’s law, but with [my] flesh to sin’s law.
Which was the most important part of your husband to you--his death or his life?
I assume his life. That was the part of himself that he shared with you and loved you with the most. That good part, that pure part, is not dead--it's went on to another more perfect life in the realm of heaven . . . and it continues to dwell in you, in your heart and mind and soul.
Try not to focus so much upon his death because that was just one moment in a life that you spent many happy years with. If you want to think of him, then think of the wonderful times that you two got to spend together. Those are the moments that define BOTH of your lives.
As for blaming yourself for his death, don't do that to yourself. Your husband chose the path he went down. You tried numerous times to save him, but sometimes you can't save a person unless he wants to be saved. Even though he lost his battle with his personal demons, that doesn't mean that his life or his death was in vain.
Take comfort in knowing that the love you two shared was probably the closest thing he ever came to experiencing heaven on Earth. You gave him the happiness and sanity that he obviously never got from his biological family. Even in the end, you were with him. He wasn't alone (physically) because you were beside him as you had been for all of your marriage together, and he wasn't alone (spiritually) because an angel was there to lead him up to heaven to be cradled forever in the mercy and beauty of God's love.
God is not vengeful. He knows what is truly in a person's heart, just as he knew what was truly in your husband's heart in the end--I'm sure it was love, love for you and your life together and peace because he would be happy forever.
It wasn't until February of this year that I truly understood what it was like to wish a deceased loved one well. For the first time, I genuinely felt joy for my Grandfather when he passed away. I knew that he was far happier now than he had been for all the years passed when he had been ill and sick and truly unhappy.
Your husband doesn't feel pain anymore, and if he was here right now, standing beside you--what do you think he would say to you? I'm pretty sure that it would NOT be "Mourn me forever and be unhappy." He doesn't want that for you and neither does God.
God is extending a lifeline right now to you through the use of this website. Take his hand and get the help that you need--go to grief counseling and make sure you share with your counselor about all of the semi-destructive behavior that you've displayed for these past few months. He or she needs to know so he/she can help you in these specific areas.
I don't know if you've ever seen the following poem, but I thought I'd post it for you to read just in case:
Do not Stand and WeepDo not stand by my grave and weepI am not there I do not sleep I am a thousand winds that blow I am the diamond glints on snow I am the sunlight on ripened grain I am the gentle autumn rain When you awaken in the morning hushI am the swift uplifting rushof quiet birds in circled flight I am the stars that shine in the night Do not stand at my grave and cryI am not there, I did not die author unknown - commonly attributed to several sources
I love this poem because to me it reflects life everlasting. The important part of the person passes out of the more restrictive physical body and is free to be one with everything. God is everywhere, and when we die we can be everywhere with him. God wants us to be happy, so he lets us visit the ones we love whenever we want. When you have a particularly vivid dream of your loved one, then that's his way of letting you know that he's okay, and that he will always hold you dearly in his heart until you can both be together again--preferably fifty or more years from now, though.
Please take care of yourself and be kind to yourself, and don't make your husband's life all about his death. You know that there was more to him than that. Think only about the happy times, and let the rest of that stuff go. Do what your husband couldn't--find the strength inside your soul to save yourself. Think of your children if that helps. Don't let the last things they remember about you be those of sadness and guilt because they couldn't have been better children and saved YOU!
As you can see, it's a cycle that can continue on and on unless you decide to break it first. If you don't feel that you're strong enough, then turn to God in prayer for HE can heal all ills and He alone can make your life worth living again . . . if you trust Him enough to let him.
I hope for your sake that you do. Good luck and God bless you, my dear.
I'm glad that I was able to help you look at your husband's death in a different way.
As hard as grieving and sorrow are on us after our loved ones are gone, the truth is that they don't care about that stuff anymore. The only thing that they remember to focus on is the love that they shared with the people they left behind.
So that leaves the rest of us who are still on the Earth plane with the task of getting on with the business of living. I'm glad that you started a website for your husband--it will give you and your children a focal point upon which to focus on the good parts of your husband's life.
As for trying the same drugs as your husband tried so that you can understand why he gave into them, the simple fact is that you will never be able to experience the same things he did while he was on the drugs. The sum of our lives cannot be passed on to someone else. What he felt depended on every moment, every interaction he had made with family, friends, strangers, etc., throughout his life. Your life experiences will lead you into a different area of experience, and why would you want to do that to yourself anyway?
You know how much your husband wanted to quit, but he just didn't have the tools to succeed that you do. I strongly feel that your husband's descent had a lot to do with the fact that he had returned to his family and then his life seemed to spiral down from there. You must have suspected that something like this would happen because you had tried repeatedly to talk him out of moving closer to his family, so you knew what they were like.
If anyone is responsible for his death, then it is these people, NOT you. The sad part, though, is that they may not have even known what they were doing. My father's family is like this--passing on generations of pain to each successive generation. These people are greedy, self-centered, and they spend most of their time tearing each other down rather than lifting each other up.
I truly feel for your husband because I know that under different circumstances, his life could have been mine. There have been numerous times in my life when the harshest and hardest blows made to my mind and heart were blows delivered by my family. Your husband had this happen to him. His cousin's actions were inexcusable and shortsighted and downright malicious.
But none of that matters now. The simple fact is that life is too precious to just throw it away. Your husband was driven to his death by his own personal demons, but you don't have to make those demons your own. You don't have to give in feelings of suicide that will take you far from the light of God--not because you'll go to hell if you succeed, but because you will have turned your back on the one thing that can save you now--love: love of God, love of family, love of life, and love of self.
Pretend that you are a hurting ten-year-old girl. You're lost and alone and in so much pain that you decide that maybe it would be easier, less painful to give up. What kind of advice would you give to that beautiful and lost little girl? Would you try to stop her? Would you try to comfort her? What would you tell her?
Now tell those things to yourself, and then you will know that you possess inside yourself all the knowledge that you need to save your life and that of your family's. The reason for this is because we are all part of God. God is in our thoughts and our hearts. When we leave the door open to communicate with him, then life is worth living and we know what it is like to truly shine the beauty of God's mercy and love out into the world.
Be well and take care of yourself, and most importantly--give God the chance to save you and your family.
You say that demons are attacking your mind--I assume that you mean that there are certain thoughts rolling around in your head that are telling you to do things that you'd rather not do.
The next time that happens, say (either in your mind or out loud), "I'm NOT listening to you!" and then immediately pray, saying, "God, give me strength!" Then, as soon as you possibly can, look into seeing a mental health professional, and if you think that it will help you, a spiritual advisor. You could try combining the two, but I would strongly recommend against it. There are just some things that should remain separate from religion until you are stronger mentally and spiritually to try combining the two.
Know that you are part of God. He will give you all the strength you need IF you ask for his help. With him, ALL things are possible.