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Vickie, Nurse (RN)
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 85
Experience:  27 years relationship experience, 14 years happily married, have counseled many
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Teenage daughter and her Fathers relationships

Customer Question

My boyfriend's 18 year old daughter HATES the idea of her dad having a relationship. How do we deal with that? We have been dating for a year, and she has shown her dissaproval at times, but other times she acts fine. Her latest trick is threatening her dad if he does not stop seeing me, and he has complied because he is afraid of losing her. We love each other, but he thinks its best for right now that we do not see each other because of her. She acts all sweet and kind (all an act, believe me) but she resents her father having a relationship with any woman. Her mother died 10 years ago, and the ironic thing is that her mother was my best friend since high school. She thinks her dad is not being faithful to her mother's memory, and the fact that I was her mother's best friend, she believes is the ultimate betrayal. How do we deal with this?
Submitted: 11 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Isabella Sachs replied 11 years ago.


It sounds like a tough time for you... and at the same time it is good to hear that you are not putting blame on your boyfriend's daughter... nor do you seem to be angry. If you can keep the perspective that this does not really have anything to do with you and continue to show your love for him by validating the issues that are important to everyone perhaps everyone can heal from the past... and perhaps your relationship will end up being stronger and even healthier even with his daughter. you will get through this.

My first question to you is has your boyfriend and his daughter gone to counseling regarding the loss of her mother/and his wife? What I hear is that even if your boyfriend has dealt with this major loss, his daughter has not. The best thing I would recommend is that the two of them focus right now on counseling for this loss. Otherwise, his daughter will never heal. It's important for the two of them to express their loss, grief and feelings before moving on to a relationship with you.

I'm sure that may not be what you wanted to hear, but in the long run I think it will help everyone's relationships with eachother if this is to last. So, my recommendation to you is to consider supporting this time out with your boyfriend but also encouraging him to do something that can heal his daughter (and probably even himself). If you do this in a loving, supportive way then all of you will benefit from this time. She may respect you for giving her the time she needs with her dad to heal and that you gave her the space she wanted. He may respect you because you cared enough about his daughter to make sure she was healing and doing well. If your relationship is as strong as you believe, it will only blossom in this process.

You could even look for a "grief and loss" counselor on the internet or yellow pages in your area and give him the phone numbers. My biggest recommendation is that you encourage him to go with his daughter to counseling. It will be time well spent.

Hugs to you.

Expert:  Vickie replied 11 years ago.

Dear Queenie,

First of all, any and all efforts you put toward this relationship are not going to change one thing...unless dear Ole dad realizes that at some point in time he is going to have to have his "own" priorities straightened out! His daughter might very well be the love of his life...but when it all is said and "she" going to cuddle up with him at night and give him what he needs as a man?...NOT. He needs to realize that his daughter is just that, his DAUGHTER...and an adult, He can not let her continue to run his life the way she is. She is doing it because he is letting her. Does he control HER dates? And...what would she do if he did?? I'm sure she would be the first one to tell him that she is an adult and can run her own life. She is getting away with this behavior because he is letting her. One of these days she will be married and gone, with her own family...and as long as "daddy" is sitting in his "rocking chair" devoting his every minute to her and awaiting her meager phone call...then she will be happy. This is immature and selfish. She should be glad that her dad is trying to put his life back together again and have a little bit of happiness back into his life. Why would she want him to be alone? unless she is just so selfish and spoiled that she doesn't want to share her daddies affection with anyone else. I guarantee you that by no means is she going to "alter" her life in any way shape or form to fit her daddy's wants or needs. I would say to you not to let this happen. You can try talking to the daughter...but I'm sure that she would just run to daddy with tear filled eyes saying how mean you are to you are going to have to deal with dad. You are dating "HIM" not "her & him", and his sex life is none of her business what-so-ever! I'm afraid, if you care about this man, that you are going to have to give "Him" the ultimatum. He either needs to choose the woman that is willing to love him, and be by his side even when he gets old, or continue to let his daughter dictate who and when and how long he is "allowed" to have female company until she has her own life, and he is to old to find anyone else, then she will be happy. He needs to "buck up" for YOU...and tell her..."Look, I know that your mother died, and I still love and miss her, but the fact is, she is gone, and I am here. I am still alive, and have found someone that I think a lot of, and would like to get to know better. I have a life too, and would like to be happy again. If you do not like that, then don't come around...hopefully someday you will understand and get to know her too. But in the mean time, If you choose to stay away, then that is your perogitave...I love you, and hopefully "we" will see you soon". If he can not, or will not do that for you, then YOU refuse to see him, because it is "HIM" that needs to get his priority's straight.Don't waste years of your life being manipulated by someone allowing that to happen. If it is not stopped now...I am here to tell you that the next several years of your life will be hell. His daughter knows what she is doing, and she also knows that daddy is letting her do it. You won't stand a chance against them both. You deserve better.....and this my dear....Is my own opinion!

I wish you good luck, You stick it out...and if he really loves you, then he will be back...only on "your" terms.

Customer: replied 11 years ago.
The both of them DO need counseling, but they will not go. I think if I tried to pressure him to go, he will balk and tell me its not any of my concern, just like he has told his mother. His mother has tried several times to encourage him to go, but he is stubborn, and of course he thinks if he just does what his daughter wants, then she will be happy. She is a very selfish spoiled little girl. Always has been! Even when her mother and I did the "Moms and Kids" summer vacations together, she ALWAYS got her way all the time, since she was the only girl, having 2 brothers, and I have 2 boys. He thinks having to go to counseling is a sign of weakness, and he will not do it. He believes that time is a healer, and we just have to wait. But 10 years have gone by, and I don't see any healing happening. I would try to have a conversation with her, but you are right.... she would go run to daddy and tell him I am being mean to her. She is a fantastic manipulator, and of course daddy is going to take her word over mine, so I don't want to build the wall any higher than it is already. I have always thought it best not to pursue an avenue where you might think the out-come is not favorable. I am not ready to issue an ultimatum to him, because I don't think I could handle the negative results.
This girl has never had a date, (there is a reason for that - too snotty) and most of her friends are now paired off, and now even her "loser, pathetic, no-chance-in-a-lifetime" father has a relationship, and she is feeling way left behind! She is an attractive young girl, but her attitude turns boys off completely. She is rather emotionally unstable, as is obvious, but I don't have any idea how to help her,and I really don't think she cares to hear anything I have to say. I did tell her once that I love her father very much, and she rolled her eyes and said.."EWWWWWW" !, and walked away from me so there was no way to continue the conversation. She avoided me like the plague after that, and put the pressure on her dad to break it off with me. Now what?
She recently sent me a Thank You note for the graduation gift, (she didn't invite me to her party) and in the thank you note said "so sorry it didn't work out with my dad. Nice knowing you. Bye!"   As far as she is concerned, she won. I have not told her dad what her Thank You note said. Any reflection on this so far? Thanks for your help!
Expert:  Vickie replied 11 years ago.

Dear Queenie,

Well dear, I do feel for you, and I do know what you are going through. My husband and I have been married 14 years going on 15. He has 2 children from a previous marriage, and their own mother walked out on them, his youngest was only a newborn so when I got them, the oldest was 2 and the youngest was about 3-4 months old...sad situation...right....WELL, because of this my husband...and his ENTIRE family decided to compensate for these boy's mother walking out on them. I might also add, that she has never seen them, called them, or even sent a card to them one time in all these years. My husband and I also had a little girl together shortly after we got together, which should actually be his "baby". But instead, since everyone feels as though the oldest son got "such a raw deal" this boy has been (since day one) everyone's "baby". He is now almost 17, and has been one HOLY TERROR! I have 7 children that I gave birth to including his little girl, and then his "2". The 17 year old boy absolutely hates my guts because of all the times he has been at my husband's family's houses, and they hate me also...NO One will EVER be as good as THEIR mother...the one who walked away.... and I might add that she had 5 other children that was taken away from her because of neglect. so, needless to say...he has spent the last 17 years causing trouble between me and his father, and doing his absolute best to break us up. Because of this we have separated several times. My husband believes EVERYTHING he tells him, over me...lies like you would not believe, and almost every fight we have ever had has been over that child. My children were brought up not being allowed to act the way he does, and even though my oldest is almost 27, none of them understand why he is able to get away with everything. ? It is because he has never been allowed to be disciplined like the other children! He tells his father lies about me, and his father believes him, here is a very little few of the things he does and gets away with, because he lies about it and his dad calls everyone else that witnessed what he did a liar... He calls me a B***h on a regular basis in front of my other children,(but of course not in front of his dad), my 2 year old grandson is on Ritalin, and he stole the whole bottle, and sold the ones he didn't take himself at school, I have a truck that i absolutely adore...and yesterday he pissed all over the side and door of it, he steals money from my purse if I don't take it to the bathroom with me, He hurts the other children by ramming them with his shoulder into their stomach and up against the wall, my 2 year old grandson with ADHD, was standing in the kitchen and he kicked him very hard in the leg leaving proof of a huge red mark and mud on the baby's leg, and there was mud on his shoe..., when I try to talk to him he rolls his eyes laughs at me and walks away while I am talking, He steals the other kids things and sells them at school, smokes, when I ask him to pick up his clothes from the living room floor where he left them, he laughs at me and goes and sits on the couch and watches TV. He will not pick them up...but his father will, saying I'm making a big deal out of nothing, and believe me I could go on and on and on. It is to the point to where I can hardly stand the sight of him. I love his father, and have since the day I met him, but he takes up for that kid so much that all the children see it, and he even laughs and tells the other kids that he can do whatever he wants cus his dad will believe anything he says. When the other kids tell dad that, the son says "I didn't say that" and his father says "I didn't think so". THAT my dear is MY life. PLEASE don't find yourself in my situation. I have spent more days than you will ever know in tears. I am just living for the day he turns 18, then that kid is gone. And the worst thing is...that is not me. I absolutely love children, all my babies are my whole life, and yet this child has an inner hatred for me because he wants him and his dad to go back to their family,(where they go every time we split up), where they all worship him, and there are no boundary's. They would let this kid commit murder and think it is cute. So please, if you see any of this coming, don't be like me. I am also caught between the fact that I love his father and don't know what to do. I would hate to see you end up like me. That is the reason I told you to give her father an ultimatum now, hoping that you weren't to far into the relationship to be able to stop the abuse against you. This girl is going to do anything she can do to keep you and your boyfriend apart...and definitely prevent a marriage. I don't believe it has anything at all to do with her mother's death, its been to long. She just knows that she can control her dad and is playing it to the hilt. And will continue to do so. Its not fair, not fair to anyone and especially you. I know that you are probably like me - when you and your boyfriend are doing something that has nothing what so ever to do with her or around her, things are probably great! and that my dear, is what keeps you going on. My husband and I have had great times...but we can't even go to the store without him pulling something while we are gone. Awhile back we left to go to the store, and while we were gone, he was supposed to help our 12 year old daughter take a small pan of soup off of the stove so she wouldn't burn herself...and he did, and dumped it all down her arm and hand. Said she should have done it herself cus he didn't feel like it in the first place. Did he get in trouble for that??? what do you think. I just hope that you don't have to go through what I have. Just get a hold on things now if you can, and if she keeps causing trouble, with her dad behind are in for a lot of trouble. I wish you good luck, and you are in my prayers. I apologize for this being so long, you don't deserve not having her father's respect. Its to late for me, but you still have a chance. Don't let this girl ruin your life.

You are in my prayers!!

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