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Ask Steve -- a.k.a. Oreport Your Own Ques...

Steve -- a.k.a. Oreport
Steve -- a.k.a. Oreport, Master's Degree Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1079
Experience:  I tell you what I believe you need to hear (not what you may wish to hear) regarding relationships.
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Customer Question

After 20 + years of marrage, six months ago my husband suddenly started masterbating EVERY night while laying next to me. He tried to say that it was subconceious and he couldnt help it but I now know that he is in complete control of it - yet it continues. Driving me crazy as if I was not doing it for him any more and either he has some one else, or just a fantasy someone or really just prefers himself? eITHER WAY, I am obvisouly not sexually appealling to him anymore. HELP me please I am about to leave him because I cant take it anymore!
Submitted: 11 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Anne replied 11 years ago.


It is understandable that you are upset. However, the problem may not be with you. The problem may be with your husband. It is only natural that your first reaction would be that your husband doesn't want you anymore, that being said, it may be that your husband is experiencing some difficulty with erection. It may also be, that your husband's behavior is out of anger. Take into consideration, that this is not being hidden. It may be a suggestion to talk with him about this ,calmly, and try to find a reasonable solution that will suit both of you. For some reason, I can't help but wonder if there is something that you may have over looked when asking your question. There are many factors that can lead to sudden and consistant masturbation, dementia is one example, stroke, is another, there mitigating reasons that can result in this type of behavior. You are the only one that can judge this. I do not know his age, health, medications or any other stats that can help answer this question. Have you noticed any other new behavior patterns?

Customer: replied 11 years ago.
Reply to Anne's Post: well, he is 43 - works in high rise construction - as a superintendant - forman he runs the crews. He has done this for twenty years also. He takes no medication, does no drugs but has always had a issue with alcohol. Beer. I lost my job 11/2 years ago in a hostile take over of my company and suffered depression. He was absolutly not consoling or understanding of any of it. I have started again and am getting my company up and running. Not makeing much money when I was used to making 80,000./year. His job has had one change. The owner- who used to praise him and show his gratification in the way of bonuses etc. suddenly this last christmas - gave nothing. But this routine started before christmas.

He denied it at first but now just trys to hide it and be sure that I dont see him. But I do. He is fully awake and consious most of the time. I have to think some of it is subconsious because this is without fail, every night - all night!

Expert:  Steve -- a.k.a. Oreport replied 11 years ago.
Can you recall any, event, change, stressor, that involved or impacted
either one or both of you -- which occurred or started at the same time
as your husband's 'do it yourself project'.

Was he 'doing it all night' right from the start?

Does he tend to be compulsive in general?

Has he had a recent physical?

Have you considered/xuggested/tried counseling?

Thanks in advance.


Customer: replied 11 years ago.
Reply to Oreport's Post: No
No, communication IS our problem. He would never even consider counseling. This is a male macho pride issue as much as a relationship between us issue. We have always had trouble clearly communicating the really big issues in our lives wether it be stressors between us or each one's own personal "childhood" type issues to deal with. Like a death in the family etc. As much as we both know it, we cant seem to break that way of being.

I am afraid that this is that "stupid reason" that ends up breaking up a 20 year marrage before either one of us can fix it.
Expert:  Steve -- a.k.a. Oreport replied 11 years ago.

In the absence of any direct
information or insights from your husband -- let me make what I hope is an
educated guess regarding what might be at least part of the motivation behind
his recent compulsive sexual behavior.

He Is Feeling Out Of Control -- because he is getting older and because he has
seen several aspects of his world change in the recent past -- namely, his
relationship with his boss -- you're losing your job -- you getting a new job.
These are very upsetting changes for a person who is used to believing that he
can actually control his little corner of reality.

Why Compulsive Masturbation?

  • It provides an easily
    accessible, and relatively instant means of stress reduction -- which is
    also helpful if he is having trouble sleeping.

  • the fantasy involved provides
    a ready-made place to hide from unpleasant things he can no longer control
    or change.

  • Is an (at least somewhat)
    plausible way of acting out his anger at you -- while affording him
    'plausible deniability'-- a.k.a. passive aggression.

On top of all this, there is a good chance that he (and
quite probably both of you) are clinically depressed. Your husband does need a
good physical examination and both of you should be screened for depression.

All of this brings us to the question of what to do.

In spite of his being the one who is throwing a nightly sexualized temper
tantrum -- both of you are into this battle up to your eyebrows.

For his part, your husband is so tired/angry/fed up/bored with you and with the
relationship that he (at most) tries only halfheartedly to hide the
masturbation from you.

For your part, you seem all-too-ready to call a taxi while simultaneously
pulling the suitcases down from atop the closet as soon as you get through
reading this answer.

As you say, this problem is not masturbation based -- it has a firm foundation
in years of two-way non-communication -- with plenty of blame to lay at each of
your feet.

A 20-year problem doesn't get fixed with an answer from an advice forum -- no
matter how clever that answer may be.

That said, your husband playing with himself -- even compulsively -- even every
night-- is not something that should end a 20-year marriage.

If you make that choice at this point -- and for that reason -- you will be, in
my opinion, using it as a convenient excuse. Taking the proverbial 'easy way
out' without having to face, let alone deal with, the real problems which lie

The hard truth is that neither one of you can change the other person or
control their behavior.

You need to decide if you still love and care about your husband enough to
reach across the bed and offer him something else to hold onto.

It would be a start...

Let me know if you need more input. If not, thanks for the opportunity to
assist you... I would really appreciate your honoring my efforts by 'pushing
the button' and Accepting this answer. Adding a bonus -- should you wish to do
so -- is always warmly welcomed.

Good Luck!


Customer: replied 11 years ago.
Reply to Oreport's Post: Well Steve, In the beginning, I did reach across and offer him something else. At least my "help" with it. He turned away, said he was tired, and continued on his own - all the while, denying he was doing so.

He says he is not having sexual dreams, has no one in mind that he is thinking of, is not fantasizing etc.    

You have got to understand, I have been through the depression screening and was treated, breifly, just enough to get myself out of the doom of a life I was in for an entire year. I was virtually non existant. All the while, just trying to keep breathing everyday was all I could do. Meanwhile, my stepmother and my best friend died. I had a husband who not only was not what you would call the "broad shoulders" to cry on kind of person. No, no, he joined in and bashed my daily (verbally) until I was in tears again, and again. Only to tell me to quite crying, shake it off and "Get over it"!

He wont talk to me about this - and I know he would never tak to anyone else either. I try to talk about it and he gets ANGRY. Saying that he doesnt want to get into this discussion again. He dosent want to hear it. He has even gone as far as to say, I'm not going to discuss this again so now what?

We had the most gratifying physical relationship of anyone I know. Age and availablility aside, I understand these things slow down after this much time - but ours stopped. I can see he is fantasizing about somene or something. As he moans and writhes in delight laying next to me every night. I havent slept for more that two or three hours in months. I start each day tired, upset, and with no hope for anything getting any better. It is killy me at this point. Leaving is purely self preservation. I cannot focus on my business, I cannot focus period. I am irritable, forgetful, clumbsy, constantly falling down or hurting myself and just not myself. If he isnt going to stop it or try to get help somewhere, am I supposed to just sit here and slowly die!

While my husband pleasures himself with someone else (even if only in his mind) while laying right next to me. Every minute of which takes another piece of my heart away and another chunk of our relationship dies. Its as if I am laying there watching him enjoy someone else in out bed and I am just to shut up and deal with it?

My self asteam has never been lower than it was when my business world came tumbling down. And then this started. Well, I no longer have any self asteam. I cant figure out what the hell I am doing here - or anywhere else for that matter any more. If I were to take the easy way out, I would slit my wrists, in our bed, and be done with all the pain. Leaving is the only strangth I can find. I cant control or change him thats true. All I can change or control is myself. So??? Now what?
Expert:  Steve -- a.k.a. Oreport replied 11 years ago.

I really appreciate your open and honest response to what was an admittedly (and purposefully) tough post on my part.

Your previous reply didn't provide very much background
information. That being the case, I figured that my last
post might get you off of what what appeared to me at the time to
be the 'self-righteous pity pot'.

Given the painful detail you provided in your last post -- it now seems
obvious to me that your husband's nighttime behavior is (whether
conscious or subconscious) meant to purposely hurt and demean you.

Leaving your husband -- at least temporarily -- is both in your self-interest and also very necessary.

Nothing else has worked to break your husband out of his self-involved
and selfish shell -- your leaving might do the trick -- but I wouldn't
hold my breath.

Even if it doesn't change his sickening and hurtful behavior -- at the
very least you will no longer be forced to occupy a front row seat
during your husband's nightly horrid spectacle.

If, for any reason, you are unable to leave right away -- please at least sleep in another room.

Please avail yourself of the support of family and friends at this
difficult time -- and please, get professional help if getting out of
the situation doesn't provide immediate relief of any self-harming
thoughts you may be having.

It now sounds to me like you have 'gone beyond the call of duty' as far
as your husband -- in your marriage relationship is concerned.
Your primary duty is now to your own well-being -- along with the
well-being of your children (if any).

You have my prayers and best wishes -- along with my sincere apology
for any additional discomfort which my last reply may have caused you.

Let me know if you need more input. If not, thanks for the
opportunity to assist you... I would really appreciate your honoring my
efforts by 'pushing the button' and Accepting this answer. Adding
a bonus -- should you wish to do so -- is always warmly welcomed.

Good Luck!


Expert:  Vickie replied 11 years ago.


Don't put yourself through this every night. Refuse to sleep in the same room with him until he changes his habits. I wouldn't ask him or even tell him. I would either move to another room, or sleep on the couch. I would refuse to even be in the same room with him as long as he is going to continue this disgusting little game. Don't be fooled, he knows exactly what he is doing to you, and doesn't care. How would he feel if the tables were turned? He wouldn't like it either. I think that he is being rude, disgusting, and has no regard what so ever for your feelings. I would tell him "if you want to be a little pervert then you can do it on your own". He is only doing this because he knows he has an "audience" every night...and that is probably what is exciting him...somewhat like the enjoyment a exhibitionist gets from "flashing" someone. So don't give him his "audience" anymore. He knows how this is upsetting you, and this in his warped mind at the moment is the accelerant he is seeking for who knows what reason....and you may never know. You try this for as long as you feel that you can, and see if there is any changes that happen. Of course at first you can expect him to be a little "pissy" toward you....if any of this was his purpose to begin with, and if you do start seeing a little "pissiness", then you will find yourself a tad bit closer to maybe figuring out what is going on. If you see in the next week or so of you being out of the bed at night - or any time he is in it...that there is no change in him, then leave. He obviously don't give a darn, and you have wasted enough of your time. I guarantee you that there is someone else out there that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated, and consider him...just another bad memory that you learned from.

Good luck to you, and my prayers are with you!

P.S. If he tries begging you to "come to bed"...Do Not Give In!!! Hold your ground, You know what you're gonna get when you get there...don't let him fool you!

Customer: replied 11 years ago.
I don't know what to do. One of the responses did confirm exavtly what I tried to tell my husband were the only excuses I could think of and nether one of them was looking too good for me. Those were the statements about
   1. his being too tired/angry/bored with me and our relationship

   2. The part about the obvious fantasixing.

He denies both, but never even tries to giv Once again, just leaving me to my thoughts and imagination, I am so tired right now, I can hardly type. So please excuse the typos. This is usually the only time I can sleeo - when I an so exhausted that I pass out for hopefully a good couple of hours. I just wish I new what I am supposed to do..........................
Expert:  Steve -- a.k.a. Oreport replied 11 years ago.
Why are you seemingly ignoring the advice to at least stop sharing the same bed with him?

Thanks in advance.


Expert:  The Mystic Wave replied 11 years ago.

Greetings Laura:

Please know that my prayers and thoughts are with you. I know what it's like to get little sleep although, my husband has a medical condition so his sleep pattern is disturbed - which in turn keeps me awake - Yet, I also know what it's like to have other such difficulties, not knowing where to turn. My situation is entirely different - but, I believe we all have had moments with our very own issues/concerns that can leave us at times wondering - and some more than others suffering so that they just want a way out - and feel they just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, if and when it ever comes about.

Specifically regarding your situation, I have yet to see anything that is an "absolute" concerning your true feelings for him - thus, putting aside this act of his, ARE YOU IN LOVE WITH HIM? Do you want to be with him?

Offering my personal observation - it may be that finances may have something to do with what's going on with him - including his EGO! By any chance, does your husband drink or take any drugs?...for this can also cause this type of behavior.

Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. If you wish to share more, please let me know.

My very best to you, hon.

Bright Blessings.

Peace, Love & Happiness,

The Mystic Wave

Expert:  The Mystic Wave replied 11 years ago.

Greetings Laura:

I correct my response above and apologize as I did not read all responses - I see now that you stated that your husband doesn't take drugs - but drinks beer - well, this can be a problem - excessive drinking causes damages. Does he drink anything else?

Bright Blessings.

Peace, Love & Happiness,

The Mystic Wave

Customer: replied 11 years ago.
Customer: replied 11 years ago.
Reply to The Mystic Wave's Post: Yes I love him. I dont even want to think of being without him. But I also dont want to be where I am not just as wanted.

We have been in much worse financially challenged times. We went through me having ovarian cancer 1 year after my sone was born (1985) We have been through much worse everything.
Customer: replied 11 years ago.
Reply to Oreport's Post: I am not ignoring this suggestion. I have been telling him that from the start of this behaviour. He only voluntarily slept in the guest room a couple of times and since then refuses. I dont think I should be punished into sleeping in another bed because of his acts. If I end up having to do this, it wont be in the same house.
Expert:  Vickie replied 11 years ago.


You said that he "voluntarily" slept in the guest room... and You don't think that you should be punished into sleeping in another bed because of his acts...You don't want to be where you're not wanted??? I guess I just don't understand. First off you have in "YOUR" power to stop this and won't even leave the room? you should not feel as though it is a punishment if he is masturbating so much, and so loudly in front of you that you can not sleep...Seems to me, it would be heaven. You said you are lucky to get even a few hours of sleep a night because of this, and you have a "guest room"? Do you really think he wants you in there anyway? and if he does...and is treating you in this mannor...then it is just a sick little game he is playing and you are letting him. If you love the man, and don't want to leave him, but dislike this behavior...then at least switch rooms, stand up for yourself a little bit, and don't be around it! I don't hate it but want to stay in the same room and just "hope" he will think enough of you and stop? He hasn't yet...and it don't look like he's going to anytime in the future...He knows you're letting him do it and has no reason to stop. He has no respect for you. He probably thinks deep down that you like it....or you would do something about it. All I can say...and mark my are only setting yourself up for more unhappiness in the end. He is doing the masturbation thing this'll be something else next.

Good luck to you, You are in my prayers.

Expert:  Steve -- a.k.a. Oreport replied 11 years ago.
"I dont think I should be punished into sleeping in another bed because of his acts."

I am not very often left with nothing to say by a comment or
question. For what it's worth, your comment above comes close to
leaving me speechless.

Do you actually believe that you should continue to sleep with your
husband -- under the current circumstances -- as a matter of

How can you believe that your moving to the guest room will involve
more punishment (not to mention humiliation) for you -- than your
continuing to share a bed with him?

I am beginning to think that I didn't mis-read the situation ais much
as I thought I had when sending you my 'tough' response.
With that in mind, please allow me to speak very bluntly.

Your willingness to put up with your husband's behavior -- by
continuing to share a bed with him as long as it continues -- is a sign
that you are receiving some troublingly bizarre emotional payoff from
this. My guess is that you and your husband are both passive
aggressive manipulators -- who, deep down, are enjoying the hell out of
this sick battle.

The only other possibility that occurs to me is that you have become
the 'classic abuse victim' who actually believes she deserves to be
treated like dirt -- and therefore receives some comfort from it.

Personally, I don't for a minute believe that you are either that weak,
or that self-hating. I believe you have both the brains, and the
strength, to extricate yourself from this mess.

I sincerely XXXXX XXXXX pray that you think enough of yourself to find the will and self-respect do just that -- tonight...

Let me know if you need more input. If not, thanks for the
opportunity to assist you... I would really appreciate your honoring my
efforts by 'pushing the button' and Accepting this answer. Adding
a bonus -- should you wish to do so -- is always warmly welcomed.

Good Luck!


Customer: replied 11 years ago.

maybe I didnt convey my point clearly. I have continually gone to sleep in the guest room. Angrily getting up in the middle of the night when he starts this. He sees me (and hears me cursing him out all the while) and it dosent bother him a bit.

I am very particular about my bed, sheets and pillows. I always have been. He, on the other hand, could sleep on a rock (and has!) and be just fine with it. My guest room (for lack of a better term) has a fold out bed that is very uncomfortable and I dont sleep well to begin with.

I guess this is the part of me that dosent want to let him win. Me going to the other room feels like he is winning --- all the way around.

Expert:  The Mystic Wave replied 11 years ago.


Well, hon - thank you for your response to my post - and this explains it. I thought so and you confirmed it.

Hon, please know that this can change - but, you need to discuss this with him - even though he may not want to hear it - and especially, if you are willing to hang in there. Please try not to take this in a personal way, it's part of the influence he's under. You state that you love him and that you don't even want to think of being without him - that says a whole lot.

Perhaps anyone else reading this can see that my views differ greatly, as my words and advice may appear to be of great tolerance - it is far from stupidity though for LOVE IS NOT EASY - if it was, everyone would be in it. Love is not always all so perfect and easy, would be nice - but reality speaks otherwise. The main thing through is dealing with your sleepless nights and feeling hurt by his actions.

In my opinion, just because you don't want to sleep in another room doesn't mean you are allowing him to continue with his behavior - let's face it here, you are married to him - and the vows which you took some years ago are 'FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE, IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH"

But, what can you do about getting a good night's sleep? Easy - turn this around for both of you - as right now there is negativity - break this energy - Suggest to him that both of you need to sleep in the guest room for a time so you can redecorate the master room - add new colors to the room, surround the room with candles, plants, flowers - get new life in the room. Instead of feeding into what is going wrong - turn everything around in a very positive way.

I know you are hurting but give a little more - ask him if he would like to go to the movies - or rent a movie if you are able to - cook up a dinner and have the meal by candle light -with soft music playing in the background - ask him to dance with a funny movie so you can both laugh - it is said that laughter heals troubled relationships.

If the evening turns into something intimate between the two of you - that's wonderful - but that doesn't necessarily have to be the goal - actually, it should just be a "getting reacquainted" night...I believe that the two of you may just be in a rut - a breath of fresh air is all you two need.

Perhaps on the weekend, pack a picnic basket - and find a nice spot for relaxing.....perhaps the beach - water is a natural healer - go to a park - hug a tree - be out in nature, another natural healer.

It doesn't have to be so grim and tormenting - not all is lost - there is something that remains - a lot does - it is just seeing things in a different perspective - if there's hope and faith, anything is possible.

My thoughts and prayers are with you both.

If you wish for further assistance, please let me know.

Bright Blessings.

Peace, Love & Happiness,

The Mystic Wave

Expert:  Steve -- a.k.a. Oreport replied 11 years ago.

"...getting up in the middle of the night when he starts this..."

Why wait until he inevitably starts masturbating -- before you, in a dramatic scene, go to the 'guestroom'?

"My guest room... has a fold out bed that is very uncomfortable and I dont sleep well"

Buy, or rent, a real bed -- or an apartment.

Setting aside the final outcome of the relationship for some future
point when you can calmly cross that bridge -- You are throwing
pathetic, childish, excuses about.

You say you don't want to let him win -- win what? I see no prizes at all in this situation.

It's time to grow up and stop playing the game with him already.

If this was your Daughter and this was happening in her marriage --
would you let her feed you these 'reasons' for staying in the same bed
with her hubby while he masturbated all night -- every night?

I am done with this -- and I hope you are as well.

Good Luck!


Customer: replied 11 years ago.
Reply to Oreport's Post:

YOU REALLY DONT LISTEN VERY WELL, or perhaps it is a reading comprehension issue. I said " I have continually gone to sleep in the guest room. Angrily getting up in the middle of the night when he starts this.

So what is the point with the earplugs again? In any event, Steve, I am DONE with your so called advise!

Expert:  Steve -- a.k.a. Oreport replied 11 years ago.
I am only responding to answer your question.

The point of ear plugs is the same -- whether you start out in the
guest room, or end up there -- so you won't have to hear your husband's
carrying on.


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