It is understandable that you are upset. However, the problem may not be with you. The problem may be with your husband. It is only natural that your first reaction would be that your husband doesn't want you anymore, that being said, it may be that your husband is experiencing some difficulty with erection. It may also be, that your husband's behavior is out of anger. Take into consideration, that this is not being hidden. It may be a suggestion to talk with him about this ,calmly, and try to find a reasonable solution that will suit both of you. For some reason, I can't help but wonder if there is something that you may have over looked when asking your question. There are many factors that can lead to sudden and consistant masturbation, dementia is one example, stroke, is another, there mitigating reasons that can result in this type of behavior. You are the only one that can judge this. I do not know his age, health, medications or any other stats that can help answer this question. Have you noticed any other new behavior patterns?
In the absence of any directinformation or insights from your husband -- let me make what I hope is aneducated guess regarding what might be at least part of the motivation behindhis recent compulsive sexual behavior.He Is Feeling Out Of Control -- because he is getting older and because he hasseen several aspects of his world change in the recent past -- namely, hisrelationship with his boss -- you're losing your job -- you getting a new job.These are very upsetting changes for a person who is used to believing that hecan actually control his little corner of reality.Why Compulsive Masturbation?
On top of all this, there is a good chance that he (andquite probably both of you) are clinically depressed. Your husband does need agood physical examination and both of you should be screened for depression.All of this brings us to the question of what to do.In spite of his being the one who is throwing a nightly sexualized tempertantrum -- both of you are into this battle up to your eyebrows.For his part, your husband is so tired/angry/fed up/bored with you and with therelationship that he (at most) tries only halfheartedly to hide themasturbation from you.For your part, you seem all-too-ready to call a taxi while simultaneouslypulling the suitcases down from atop the closet as soon as you get throughreading this answer.As you say, this problem is not masturbation based -- it has a firm foundationin years of two-way non-communication -- with plenty of blame to lay at each ofyour feet.A 20-year problem doesn't get fixed with an answer from an advice forum -- nomatter how clever that answer may be.That said, your husband playing with himself -- even compulsively -- even everynight-- is not something that should end a 20-year marriage.If you make that choice at this point -- and for that reason -- you will be, inmy opinion, using it as a convenient excuse. Taking the proverbial 'easy wayout' without having to face, let alone deal with, the real problems which liebelow.The hard truth is that neither one of you can change the other person orcontrol their behavior. You need to decide if you still love and care about your husband enough toreach across the bed and offer him something else to hold onto.It would be a start...Let me know if you need more input. If not, thanks for the opportunity toassist you... I would really appreciate your honoring my efforts by 'pushingthe button' and Accepting this answer. Adding a bonus -- should you wish to doso -- is always warmly welcomed.Good Luck!Steve
Don't put yourself through this every night. Refuse to sleep in the same room with him until he changes his habits. I wouldn't ask him or even tell him. I would either move to another room, or sleep on the couch. I would refuse to even be in the same room with him as long as he is going to continue this disgusting little game. Don't be fooled, he knows exactly what he is doing to you, and doesn't care. How would he feel if the tables were turned? He wouldn't like it either. I think that he is being rude, disgusting, and has no regard what so ever for your feelings. I would tell him "if you want to be a little pervert then you can do it on your own". He is only doing this because he knows he has an "audience" every night...and that is probably what is exciting him...somewhat like the enjoyment a exhibitionist gets from "flashing" someone. So don't give him his "audience" anymore. He knows how this is upsetting you, and this in his warped mind at the moment is the accelerant he is seeking for who knows what reason....and you may never know. You try this for as long as you feel that you can, and see if there is any changes that happen. Of course at first you can expect him to be a little "pissy" toward you....if any of this was his purpose to begin with, and if you do start seeing a little "pissiness", then you will find yourself a tad bit closer to maybe figuring out what is going on. If you see in the next week or so of you being out of the bed at night - or any time he is in it...that there is no change in him, then leave. He obviously don't give a darn, and you have wasted enough of your time. I guarantee you that there is someone else out there that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated, and consider him...just another bad memory that you learned from.
Good luck to you, and my prayers are with you!
P.S. If he tries begging you to "come to bed"...Do Not Give In!!! Hold your ground, You know what you're gonna get when you get there...don't let him fool you!
Please know that my prayers and thoughts are with you. I know what it's like to get little sleep although, my husband has a medical condition so his sleep pattern is disturbed - which in turn keeps me awake - Yet, I also know what it's like to have other such difficulties, not knowing where to turn. My situation is entirely different - but, I believe we all have had moments with our very own issues/concerns that can leave us at times wondering - and some more than others suffering so that they just want a way out - and feel they just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, if and when it ever comes about.
Specifically regarding your situation, I have yet to see anything that is an "absolute" concerning your true feelings for him - thus, putting aside this act of his, ARE YOU IN LOVE WITH HIM? Do you want to be with him?
Offering my personal observation - it may be that finances may have something to do with what's going on with him - including his EGO! By any chance, does your husband drink or take any drugs?...for this can also cause this type of behavior.
Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. If you wish to share more, please let me know.
My very best to you, hon.
Peace, Love & Happiness,
The Mystic Wave
I correct my response above and apologize as I did not read all responses - I see now that you stated that your husband doesn't take drugs - but drinks beer - well, this can be a problem - excessive drinking causes damages. Does he drink anything else?
You said that he "voluntarily" slept in the guest room... and You don't think that you should be punished into sleeping in another bed because of his acts...You don't want to be where you're not wanted??? I guess I just don't understand. First off you have in "YOUR" power to stop this and won't even leave the room? you should not feel as though it is a punishment if he is masturbating so much, and so loudly in front of you that you can not sleep...Seems to me, it would be heaven. You said you are lucky to get even a few hours of sleep a night because of this, and you have a "guest room"? Do you really think he wants you in there anyway? and if he does...and is treating you in this mannor...then it is just a sick little game he is playing and you are letting him. If you love the man, and don't want to leave him, but dislike this behavior...then at least switch rooms, stand up for yourself a little bit, and don't be around it! I don't understand...you hate it but want to stay in the same room and just "hope" he will think enough of you and stop? He hasn't yet...and it don't look like he's going to anytime in the future...He knows you're letting him do it and has no reason to stop. He has no respect for you. He probably thinks deep down that you like it....or you would do something about it. All I can say...and mark my words...you are only setting yourself up for more unhappiness in the end. He is doing the masturbation thing this week...it'll be something else next.
Good luck to you, You are in my prayers.
maybe I didnt convey my point clearly. I have continually gone to sleep in the guest room. Angrily getting up in the middle of the night when he starts this. He sees me (and hears me cursing him out all the while) and it dosent bother him a bit.
I am very particular about my bed, sheets and pillows. I always have been. He, on the other hand, could sleep on a rock (and has!) and be just fine with it. My guest room (for lack of a better term) has a fold out bed that is very uncomfortable and I dont sleep well to begin with.
I guess this is the part of me that dosent want to let him win. Me going to the other room feels like he is winning --- all the way around.
Well, hon - thank you for your response to my post - and this explains it. I thought so and you confirmed it.
Hon, please know that this can change - but, you need to discuss this with him - even though he may not want to hear it - and especially, if you are willing to hang in there. Please try not to take this in a personal way, it's part of the influence he's under. You state that you love him and that you don't even want to think of being without him - that says a whole lot.
Perhaps anyone else reading this can see that my views differ greatly, as my words and advice may appear to be of great tolerance - it is far from stupidity though for LOVE IS NOT EASY - if it was, everyone would be in it. Love is not always all so perfect and easy, would be nice - but reality speaks otherwise. The main thing through is dealing with your sleepless nights and feeling hurt by his actions.
In my opinion, just because you don't want to sleep in another room doesn't mean you are allowing him to continue with his behavior - let's face it here, you are married to him - and the vows which you took some years ago are 'FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE, IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH"
But, what can you do about getting a good night's sleep? Easy - turn this around for both of you - as right now there is negativity - break this energy - Suggest to him that both of you need to sleep in the guest room for a time so you can redecorate the master room - add new colors to the room, surround the room with candles, plants, flowers - get new life in the room. Instead of feeding into what is going wrong - turn everything around in a very positive way.
I know you are hurting but give a little more - ask him if he would like to go to the movies - or rent a movie if you are able to - cook up a dinner and have the meal by candle light -with soft music playing in the background - ask him to dance with you....watch a funny movie so you can both laugh - it is said that laughter heals troubled relationships.
If the evening turns into something intimate between the two of you - that's wonderful - but that doesn't necessarily have to be the goal - actually, it should just be a "getting reacquainted" night...I believe that the two of you may just be in a rut - a breath of fresh air is all you two need.
Perhaps on the weekend, pack a picnic basket - and find a nice spot for relaxing.....perhaps the beach - water is a natural healer - go to a park - hug a tree - be out in nature, another natural healer.
It doesn't have to be so grim and tormenting - not all is lost - there is something that remains - a lot does - it is just seeing things in a different perspective - if there's hope and faith, anything is possible.
My thoughts and prayers are with you both.
If you wish for further assistance, please let me know.
YOU REALLY DONT LISTEN VERY WELL, or perhaps it is a reading comprehension issue. I said " I have continually gone to sleep in the guest room. Angrily getting up in the middle of the night when he starts this.
So what is the point with the earplugs again? In any event, Steve, I am DONE with your so called advise!