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Vickie, Nurse (RN)
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 85
Experience:  27 years relationship experience, 14 years happily married, have counseled many
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my relationship on verge

Customer Question

what will i do with my current relationship?me & my boyfriend had plans of moving in together...we live 380 miles away from each other he tried to move here for 3 weeks and left his hometown & his kids to be with me but unfortunately he didnt get to find a job here so we both decided to move to his hometown. When he left my house i started browsing online and saw pictures of him and his baby's mom having contact. they have issues and obviuosly pretended about it...she knows about me and his family knows that i am the present girlfriend.what i dont understand is....why would he do that? obviously i was right that if he doesnt really doesnt wanna do anything about her he wouldnt bother picking up her calls but he still does at that time and tells me they are talking about the kids....and i cheated on him 3 months ago too just because i am so uncertain about him.i am so devastated but then again what i did 2 months ago haunts me.what should i do? i already quit my job because i am about to move with him. and i talked to him about this but ofcourse he denied which is i know thats what excuse his going to give me...
Submitted: 11 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Isabella Sachs replied 11 years ago.

 Dear Netty,

It sounds like you are emotionally connected to this man and have been intimate with him.  Your head however, is also telling you something else...

If the love between the two of you was as strong as it takes to endure the many, many challenges that come with relationships and the future you would know without a doubt this was the man.  There are many, many areas of concern I hear in your note... for instance, I know you know this... if you are truly in love and have a strong relationship built on TRUST, common goals, values, and beliefs then you would not have a desire to cheat on him.  You also really would trust whatever he says is going on with him and his ex. you would not be uncertain.  From the sounds of it a key part of a good relationship is definitely lacking with the two of you... TRUST. 

I wish I could tell you everything will be groovy in your future with this man because I know how difficult it is to pull away from someone we care for greatly.  You can still care for this man but you know your relationship is not what it should be.

You can find another job but this is your life and you deserve to be loved better than what you have in this relationship.  Be strong.  Think about the future ahead of you because it is bright!

Expert:  Vickie replied 11 years ago.

 Dear Netty,

Well dear, first of all...does his "ex", live in the same town you are wanting to move to?? If she does, and you have been 380 miles away, how do you know exactly what their relationship is or has been all this time? Have you ever caught him in a lie? Most of the time when you decide to get into a relationship where there is an ex will work out one of three different ways. Either they will pretty much "hate" each other, and be fighting constantly even though they are divorced, with her never coming around....or, they will have a "kids only" type relationship where they are only civil to each other while the kids are around, seeing each other the least amount possible....or, they will have this "love/hate" relationship where they tend to argue a lot, but are still jealous of each other, using the kids as an excuse to slip out and see each other, fighting to "make-up", and you will never get rid of her, as when you say anything about her to your boyfriend he will get defensive taking up for her, and she will come around more than wanted by you, still trying to run things. I don't know which would be worse...I guess it depends a lot on what kind of person you are, maybe you are the kind of person that would not mind having the ex over for dinner - and watching them play "footsie" under the table, knowing that you better "never" say a bad thing about her....oooh heeew, that one makes me mad just thinking about it...I couldn't/wouldn't do it for even 1 minute, 1 time. I am sorry though, I just don't know if he ever really tried very hard to find a job where you are at...from the way it sounds to me...and it is only "my" opinion...I'm not so sure he really wanted to move to where you are at. I think he gave it a "half baked" attempt so you would think that he is trying, and quickly retreated back to "his" stompin grounds...if you know what I mean. I believe that you have a lot of thinking to do before you pull up stakes and move 380 miles away. If he is treating you like this now...what is he going to do 6 mo. from now when he gets tired of his playhouse being messed up? I might also add...that now he has fuel. The fact that you cheated on him awhile back just gave him an excuse, he may figure that you "owe him one", that I am sure he will pull out as needed when you are actually there to see pretty much everything that is going on. After you get there is when you will start hearing the little rumors if anything is or has went on, as there are always people out there that is more than willing to cause a little trouble every now and then. Another thing to you are moving to "HIS" home town, where all of "THEIR" friends are or were, and are more than likely still "their" friends, and now the wives of his friends might tend to look down on you and give you a hard time, especially if the wives are still friends with his ex, along with his family, etc. etc. if you are getting what I mean...I would think that this might wind up being pretty hard to deal with, unless you have a "very" strong, loving, truthful, faithful, tolerant, and NON JEALOUS relationship. If you think you can do this you are a very strong woman, as I would not be. If you two can overcome all of this extra baggage which will pretty much all be his, cause he won't be around your ex, family and friends on a regular long did you say he tried living with you...3 weeks?? You will just have to learn that this is the way things are going to be. He will still see his ex wife "for the kids", he will continue taking her phone calls "for the kids", I think that you get the point..

Good Luck to you my dear, I sure hope things work out for you, You are in my prayers.


Customer: replied 11 years ago.
Hi vickie,

Thank you for your reply.
His ex wife lives in the same city as well....And mostly all of his relatives knows me as his girlfriend now. I met his whole clan and im very close to his grandmother that he lives with him right now.I met all of his friends and they both dont have "MUTUAL FRIENDS". I have mad family by his area too. so basically we have this relationship that both of our parties are involved.
About me cheated on him before..he didnt know about now what he knows deep inside of him is....he messed up and i didnt. but after all..when i decided to stay with him and make the relationship work,i stopped talking to the other guy that i was talking to completely. Just because it aint right.
And yes vickie..he moved and stayed here for 3 weeks and in teh other hand i am not happy with my location right now anyways.....even before he exists i tried moving to his area regardless.
Now that i found out the lies...that him & she pulled againsts feelings for him totally changed...its like a 180 degrees outcome. she knows about me and ofcourse it wouldnt stop her anyways.
I talked to him and ofcourse he "DENIED" i told him i dont trust him...and it will never be teh same. i aint even sweatin them he radio and calls me hour after hour to check in bla bla bla...and i was telling him..this aint gna help.
im an honest person...i would tell anybody whats up...and he knows this.
and let me add...within the whole relationship....we would see each other every weeknd constantly.thats why i just dont get what he did.
thank you vicky and god bless


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