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The Mystic Wave
The Mystic Wave, Relationship Advisor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 427
Experience:  Natural born empath, spiritualist, clairvoyant, gifted psychic. 36 yrs - offering advice & guidance
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Relationship problems

Customer Question

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 in a half years. We have a 9 month old son...He works a part time job, and i am staying at home with our son. He goes to his friends all the time, and hangs out with other girls...I am really jealous, but he tells me that he leaves, because he cannot stand being around me! THis hurts me so bad, I love him. but, then I stop to think if i really love him, and I think i do, but i hate the way that he is. I hate his habits and i hate the way he treats me. Isn't that what love is all about? Kindness, and being caring for the one that you love. He never helps me with the baby. I am with the baby 24-7, left at home with no vehicle all day long. I have no friends, so, i think sometimes, i am taking my anger out on my boyfriend, because I am upset about the fact that i have no friends. I need some answers...I am confused. He says he loves me, but he mostly is here just because of the baby, is this wrong? What should i do?
Submitted: 11 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Coleen Hoffmeister replied 11 years ago.
Please look in your phone book or call information to see about Battered Women's Shelter for yourself and your child.

There are a number of things going on here. Your boyfriend is mentally abusing you and you do not deserve this. It is possible that he is having that age old problem of being now jealous of the baby because you have to spend more time with the baby and not take care of him.

Another thing that happens after a baby is born is the mother spends so much time with the baby, she forgets about herself. Are you taking extra care to remember your boyfriend also needs attention and that you need to continue to look your best for him and take care of him too? In this I do not mean sexually, I mean quality time together and quiet time together. If not, this will create a problem.

Your boyfriend took on the responsibility of you and your child and now he is not holding up to the deal. If you have no family and no way to get out, please call the Battered Women's Task Force and they will help you get placed somewhere temporarily.

Whether or not you two get back together should be up to him. If they put you in a shelter, he will not be able to know where you are, nor will he be able to visit you. If you have parents or siblings who are willing, you could move home temporarily to give him some room to think about what he is doing. If he does not improve, you need to get on with your life for your sake.

If you cannot do this, think about the fact that a child is more of an intrusion on a lifestyle than anyone knows and there is always a period of confusion and problems. Calm your nerves by taking a nap when the baby does, taking a hot tub and fixing yourself up when the baby is asleep. Set up a special meal for the two of you and don't do that additionally irritating age old problem of becoming too tired to be nice to your boyfriend.

Good luck and I hope this helps.
Customer: replied 11 years ago.
Reply to Coleen Hoffmeister's Post: I do try to give him attention. I say, lets go to see a movie, or have dinner together. He says that there is no one he trusts to watch our son. He says that he just doesn't think that i am fun anymore. he says i am way different then when before i got pregnant. well, i do have family i could go to, but the reason why i haven't left, is because i truly believe that he will change. I know, that people say, that people never change. But, i have seen it done. I know he emotionally abuses me. But, i am probably just as guilty. I do dress up, and get myself all pretty just to see if i will get at least a comment. He doesn't say much to me anymore about the way i look. I still have 25lbs baby fat..and i can't get it off. I am a very insecure person, and he knows that, so i think he takes advantage of it. The good thing is though, that when we are all together as a family, we get along great...its usually when the baby is asleep at night when we fight..and it sucks too because thats the time that i want to spend together. What should i do?
Expert:  Coleen Hoffmeister replied 11 years ago.
Again, hun, if you don't want to leave, you need to give it lot's of time. This young man has had a blow to his independence and is probably scared of his responsibility. He is still picking on you and you have a choice to either don't let him play the mental games with a response to his comments "I don't think you're fun anymore" with complete silence or remind him that you are the one carrying for a newborn with no help from him. Of course, the last comment will cause an argument, no doubt.

You are doing the right thing about keeping yourself up and trying to give him attention, but if it doesn't work out, when you get tired of it and have kept it in for so long, you will blow up at him and there will be a huge fight. Don't be a grouch all the time, even though you are probably tired from carrying for your son. Try to lighten up and have fun with him, but you must defend yourself in order to vent your frustration.

Don't worry about the baby fat, it is normal and you shouldn't be concerned with it. Of course, you're no fun anymore, you have to be serious about your position and he is being very immature.

One way to change the habit of not letting him drag you into a fight. . . If he says something wrong and tries to get you to a fight, act like you didn't hear it, don't respond and/or just go to bed or roll over. If he keeps prodding, change the subject, pretend to be asleep or go in the other room on the couch to sleep.

Another way would be to seek counseling for yourself and if he will go along, him too. If he doesn't you go.

I think if you show some independence and unwillingness to be bullied and pulled into a fight, he will see that you have some intelligence about you and things will change. I do stand by my first answer to you, if it keeps up and you cannot tolerate it anymore, I suggest you take a vacation and go home for a few days and/or the Women's Shelter.

Good Luck.
Expert:  Mi Linda Luz replied 11 years ago.
Dear Aubrey,  I believe you should get in contact with your family.  Start planning your future, for you and the baby.  If your boyfriend wants to help that's great.  If he decides that he misses you and wants to try a relationship with you, go ahead and start over-but with you and your baby in your own home and him in his.  Moving in together just because you have a baby makes for a horrible start.  He needs to see your good qualities, the way you can care for yourself and the baby.  Respect is something you have to work hard to get, and right now he see's you as a weight on his shoulders.  He doesn't see you as a woman in control, strong, loving  to your son, confident(maybe get a part-time job).  Every state has programs that can give you free insurance and child-care and help you find a job.  See yourself as the warrior that you are.  Create a life for you and your baby without your boyfriends help than when you are settled down if he wants in on your boat(that  you built and set to sail), let him in little by little.  Never abandon the strength you were born with in hopes that someone else will be strong for you.  Hold on to your pride sweetie; be strong and show the world you don't need to be labeled a as a weight on someones shoulders.  I know you can do it.  You popped that baby out of you didn't you?  Well, don't tell me that was easy!  I have yet to see a man accomplish that.  Come on get up shake off the dust he's slowly been encouraging you to acumulate.  Time to call family and see who can help you stand back up.  Just like your leg goes numb when you sit for too long, you become numb also.  So the first few steps are gonna feel irritating, but keep getting up on your feet soon you'll be ready to walk, your own walk.  God Bless you dear, I know you can do it.  Sincerely, XXXXX XXXXX Luz
Customer: replied 11 years ago.
Reply to Coleen Hoffmeister's Post: Thanks again...I just am still having problems. For instance, It is 1:45am here right now. He has been gone since 6pm. No phone call or nothing and he is still gone. I do not understand. I want to spend time with him when the baby is sleeping and how can i if he is not here. Now, I have suspicion that he is cheating on me. Is there a way to find out for sure. I would hope that he would have enough respect to just tell me if he had feelings for someone else. But, my intuition tells me that he would not do that. He has been gone a lot lately acting very distant. Its so hard to try to keep my self together. I want to be a good mother to my son, but when I am thinking about everything that is going on, i know my son feels the tension as well. I am pretty good at not letting it affect my motherhood...but my long will i be able to do that? I am so stressed all the time. I want my life with my boyfriend to be normal, and have a loving family. But, I feel that he just wants to be a bachelor and live the party life and doesn;'t want responsiblity. I need more answers?
Customer: replied 11 years ago.
Reply to Mi Linda Luz's Post: OH..we have lived together since way before i got pregnant. It just has gone all down hill since i had the baby. He thinks that I am boring now. I try to explain to him that i am a mother and i have bigger responsibilities then going out and partying. Ya know? My son is way more important. I know..I feel like I should leave a lot to better mine and my sons life. I grew up without a father, and i know how much it sucks. I want my son to have his dad around. Where i would have to move is to far away for that to happen. I agree about the job..I think that it would bost my confidence, and he would see that i am doing something for myself, and contributing. I think that he totally thinks i am a burden. Why do you think he is never here? You would think that this whole love thing would be easier to understand. I just wish I had a nice man, who complimented me, who was sweet and told me that they loved me, and mean it. And most importantly loves God. See, my boyfriends perception, on christianity is not very nice. My mom is active in church and when we go to visit he hates it because he has to go to church, its like everything else that we disagree on, you think that there could not be anymore, but oh..there is. Thank you for being so supportive. This site is such a great idea
I just need someone to talk too. I don't have anyone that i can talk to about this. My mom and i talk about everything and anything, except our relationship..I tend to keep it from her..because i know exactly what she would say. I think i need to do some praying and soul searching, becuase i want what is best for my son, and I.
Expert:  Coleen Hoffmeister replied 11 years ago.
My son did this a lot when his first child was born. That boy is now 15 years old and my son realizes his mistake now. There is really no way you can stop it and you do have a choice. You can accept the way things are now and be patient or you can leave.

It is not going to change no matter what you do right now. No matter how much I griped at my son for missing out on a lot of things, no matter what anyone did, he went out and played with the boys. I honestly think this is the sign of this generation. Some men are not very good with responsibility and some men never grow up. Mine did when the woman left and he just had his last son, whom he can't get enough of . . . because his first son is out of his reach.

If you love him enough to be patient, do it. If you are bored and lonely, find something constructive to do. Keep the cleanest house possible, keep yourself up, read, keep time with your child, improve your reading, learn something new. What will happen is that you will grow and your boyfriend will still be a boy. I am sorry to say, most likely you will bud into a beautiful flower and grow away from this boy/man and find a life of happiness where you are appreciated for being the person you are and the great mother you are.

Take care and I hope you follow this last message here. It is the best there is to offer.
Expert:  The Mystic Wave replied 11 years ago.


The truth is "love" is not easy - if it was, everyone would be in it. You make an important statement here though, you indicate that you have to stop and think if you really love him - and your response is "I think I do"...this, right here, is telling you something. However, people come in and out of our lives for many reasons - in one such instance for you concerning your boyfriend, you have been gifted a child by him...this is a blessing.

We do not live in a "perfect" world - with "perfect" people doing all the "right" things every single second of each and every day - it takes all kinds - and men, even though they become fathers, do not always behave in an adult/responsible manner....but, this certainly applies to women as well.

Know that just like some mothers that may suffer changes to their body during and after birth, including psychological changes, so do fathers in their own way - Certainly you have heard of men having pains for their pregnant wives - and this can linger for some months after birth - I am not making any kind of excuses for your boyfriend - but, fact is that some men do not take on the role of a father immediately - and some men are not ready for a full commitment with their mate/spouse. Certain men can go a little wild .........Is it appropriate? Well, not in society's eyes...but, again...NO ONE IS PERFECT! We all have our moments.....but, there is such a thing as a fine line...

Thus, with all relationships, it takes communication, sharing points of views, finding out if the one we are with, want to be with, happens to be truly compatible with our own thinking, feeling, morals, beliefs,well-being, lifestyle.

Of my experience, personal and professional, following one's own heart and soul is where the truth is - for no one is in the relationship but the two people in question - no one can live another's life. But, I will say that if it begins to hurt, then there's a problem - and with the fact that you, personally, have a child involved, it's important to stop and take notice - for it's so important to provide a happy, loving and safe environment for you and your baby. With you not being to sure if you are in love with your baby's father, as time goes by, being in the company of your boyfriend, with any problems that may arise, your baby will grow up seeing and feeling this about the two of you, especially since you state that you "hate" his habits and the way he treats you. Not a good way to live - and certainly not a good scene for a child - it's not emotionally, physically or spiritually healthy for you or for your baby.

I suggest that you try to talk to your boyfriend, sharing with him everything and all that bothers you (if you feel your relationship is worth saving), especially sharing your feelings with him about him hanging out with other girls....but, the way I sense this for you (and/or for anyone with such problems) - having to stop and think about whether or not you have love in your heart for him can spell unhappiness and a short lived relationship.

Being happy and content for you and your baby needs to be a top priority.

Does your boyfriend really fill your heart with love and compassion, wholeness? Is your boyfriend the one you want to spend the rest of your life with? Are the two of you truly meant for each other? Will your boyfriend truly see that he has responsibilities as a father and that he will realize what is truly right to make a loving home for you and your baby? These are some questions to consider. Ultimately, the decision is yours - just know that you and your baby are entitled to love and happiness.

Should you have any further questions, please let me know.

I wish you the very best.

Bright Blessings.

Peace, Love & Happiness,

The Mystic Wave


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