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Ask Mi Linda Luz Your Own Question

Mi Linda Luz
Mi Linda Luz, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 4
Experience:  Pastoral Counselor, Survivor, Comforter
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Should I stay or should I go

Customer Question

I have been married my entire adult life, To two women. I have children with my ex and my wife of present. I love my children but have a hard time getting along with the wife. She is a working mom and I have been the home caretaker for 2 years now. She has thrown me out numerous times. But she always brings me back. We do have fun times together, but nothing like before. Our daughter is almost 10 and all of her sisters are from my previous wife AND HAVE CHILDREN OF THERE OWN. I get along great with my Ex and children ,now that we arn't together anymore. but now I have to do all the cleaning, cooking laundry and anything else that pertains to a home, children ,pets ,etc. etc.... I do not want to leave my daughter in her hands, nor do I want to leave my daughter. But my wife says that she can't stand me and wishes I wasn't around. But she always brings me back. I like being with my family and don't mind the backbreaking work I have to do to maintain our home. She does nothing except go to work 9-5 and sit at her desk all day and night long at home give no attention to her daughter and treats her pets as if they were her own blood. I do not have any income nor any financial aid. The only place to take my child would be out of state and with relatives. Please Help, I can not stand her always changing wants and needs. Always yells and never helps only thinks of money and shopping. Is there someone else in her life and I am only around to be the Butler.
Submitted: 11 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Anne replied 11 years ago.

 Hello,   I would like to ask you a question after reviewing you letter.   Is there a reason that you are not employed?


Customer: replied 11 years ago.
Reply to Anne's Post: I have been a hard working supporter of my familys and always took care of all the bills aswell as all the home chores. Untill I spent my 6th or 7th time locked up behind bars. Reason for this is my Present wife is Call a cop happy, She has ruined my reputation by having me arrested for drinking, talking to loud, not wanting to stay in the same hotel room with her mother, Not making sure her tv show was taping while she was out of town, And more. Seriouly I do not lie about this, She has cut me hit me and attacked me with weapons. My Background checks, due to the arests are costing me wonderful good paying jobs. I was never in trouble with the authorities my entire first marriage of 13 years raising 3 children, and at times working 2-3 jobs to support my family. and lived life in the fast lane working for 24 hour Casinos in Nevada. I was a father at the age of 19. I come from a large family and never ever even once was there ever a time when police were needed, yelling was needed, or throwing someone out of the home. My present wife has physically abused me on many occasions and than call the cops to have me taken away. And she always gets away with it. She does make very good money and we don't spent much over our needs. If she would just put her trash in the garbage, feed a pet, cary her dishes to the kitchen or even one just one load of laundry a week. I would be able to free up time to work and care for my child. If I go to work full time I will not be able to tolerate what I will be coming home to. It would only cause another visit to the Judge.
Expert:  Mi Linda Luz replied 11 years ago.
DearCustomer Their are many that will argue that at least no one is being physically abused; unfortunetly, that couldn't be further from the truth. Psychological abuse is damage that is done to someone from the inside out. The verbal abuse you suffer now is being taught to your children. You mentioned daughters, well children learn how to treat other people including their future husbands by watching their parents. I was raised in a family where the mother ran the show. The violence in that house both physical and mental was unbelievable. My sisters grew up being rewarded for spying on my father and sometimes my brother. I was punished because I wouldn't play the game. I began to separate myself from the situations and watch the characters play their parts. My father tells me I never spoke a word until I was three or four. I understood perfectly, I just wouldn't say anything. Now that he looks back he realizes what I was doing. I was trying to disappear so they wouldn't come after me! I wouldn't trade my father for anything. If it wasn't for him taking the time to seperate himself from the activity around him and watch me shrink into a corner or hide behind a couch I would have turned out like my sisters and brother. All drug abusers and alcoholics. Very abusive to their children and significant others(which change like the seasons). He and I have a bond that I will treasure forever. I know how embarrasing this is for you, but you must seek shelter in the same manner that women who leave abusive men do. My father says I gave him the strength to look at what was happening around us and see that the longer he stayed the more lives would be lost to the chain of abuse that is so often passed down from one generation to another. I call him my Bald Eagle. In my eyes he has soared hieghts that very few have had the strength and courage to fly. By accepting the fact that his staying was in a great sence 'condoning' the situation he broke free and made a way for me to live with love and understanding for what men go through behind closed doors. Pray dear sir, pray. You must find the strength and pray for the path that will break the chain. Please break the chain. If not for you do it for your babies. Sincerely, XXXXX XXXXX Luz
Expert:  Michelle Mix replied 11 years ago.
There is always two sides to a story; but if i go by what you are
saying, it sounds like a bad situation. I havent been a firm believer
in "staying together for the kids"; because i have seen where that can
cause more harm to the child emotionally than it can to help the child

How does that child get along with her mother? and vice versa?

Yes, i would feel that it is tougher on the father, it is tougher when
there is domestic disputes because we do tend to feel it is the male
who is doing the abuse. I know that it goes the other way also.

I guess what i would suggest, is talk to your child. Be completely open
and dont put blame on the other parent to the child, but let her know
what is happening, (if you are to separate) then do the breaking up
smoothly.  You said you now get along with your ex, make this
situation the same.

I understand where being arrested makes it hard to get a job, try to
get a job; that way if you want to have custody, you will have a better
chance in front of a judge. If you will let your wife have custody, BE

I guess my point is to put your child first. What is best for her? What
will help her grow up and have a better chance at a good relationship
with who ever she meets someday.

Hope this helps.

Customer: replied 11 years ago.
Dear, Mi Linda Luz, Thankyou for your response it hit me right where there used to be a loving soul, apparantly that soul is still with me. I know that this home though very nice and in a beautiful neighborhood is so much worse than when I had three children, had only one bedroom for them all and had to steal food at times just to feed them. We lived in the worst part of town and always drove old beat up cars. But oh what fun did we have. All we did was spend every day playing going to parks, lakes, rivers, friends and relatives homes, and loved playing in the snow or just to the schools playground. My other daughters I have 4 total, are ages 24, 21,and 19. All are wonderfull girls and have children of their own. They constantly tell me that I am not the loser/taker that my wife has made me out to be for 14 years. But the most loving caring and nicest father anyone could ask for. Even my first wife who divorsed me Has giving me the praise that I havn't gotten for years. I can only hope that my curent wife is shown these questions and answers by someone who can help her to understand that, sure dad can take a punch, but our child will be living with the assumption that what she sees and hears at home is what a mother is supposed to be like. She will grow up not worrying about others or how to even have a normal loving household. My wife, I truely love very much. I praise her for how she is able to work a full time job and communte 40 miles a day in city traffic. We sleeep together and help each other with our weakneeses, But we are not the ones who can maintain a long pattern of good behavior. We are not bad parents just in need of some 3rd party help I think. Thankyou again for your responce and believe me I will never give up. I will never abandon my child. I will pray for you and yours , will you please pray for me and mine. God Bless You
Expert:  Anne replied 11 years ago.
 Hello,  thank you for responding to my question.  I am sorry for your situation.  Judging from what you have explained to me, it appears as though this has gone on for a long time. I would suggest that you seek professional counseling to come to an understanding as to why you continue to stay in a unhealthy relationship such as you describe.  The primary concern would be your daughter, who is wittnessing all this abusive interaction with your wife.  This has to be creating a great deal of emotional turmoil for  your daughter.  Ten years old and living under stressful conditions such as this can affect her the rest of her life.   If you have suffered abuse from your wife, physical , emotional or any other type of abuse and you are seeing that she is not giving your daughter loving attention,  I would seek counseling as soon as possible for you and your daughter.  If the Police have been called on several occassions regarding abusive behavior, it has to be documented.  This documentation may serve as a stepping stone to get you the help that is available.  From what you have described in your letter, you and your daughter need to remove yourself from this unheathly enviroment as soon as possible.  Abuse in any form is devistating and can have life long affects on someone's life.  By staying in the situation, you are enabling your spouse to continue this abusive trend, and the end result can only be tragic.   If you truely wish to obtain gainful employment as you suggested in your letter, to support your daughter and give her a stable home, you will have to seek outside help and counseling to achieve your goals.     If you feel that there is a chance in saving your marriage and creating a better, non abusive relationship, I would suggest discussing your thoughts and feelings with your present wife and both agree to obtain professional counseling for the sake of the both of you and your daughter.   I wish you the best for you and your daughter.  If you have any more questions, please contact us at Just Answer and we will do our best to help you.
Expert:  Mi Linda Luz replied 11 years ago.
DearCustomer My prays are with you and your family. God Bless, Mi Linda Luz
Customer: replied 11 years ago.
I live in a large metropolitan city. And love it here, but all my relatives and very good friends live in another state. I am by law not allowed to leave the stae especially with our child. I have no monetar resources and feel that i can not ask my family to help in this matter financially. I will hopefully find any kind of employment and ease the stress that my wife encounters by me not helping to support this home financially. I will go untill I drop. I did not get to be with my first 3 daughters when ther were going through ther teenage years and I feel that If I was not able to be with my youngest for hers that my life was wasted. I know it sounds strange but my mother who has 9 children, and only had 2 bedrooms for us was able to feed us cloth us and give us all the love and happiness that I wouldn't trade for anything. She is still alive in her 80's and works a full time job. I don't know how she was ever able to do it but all 9 of us get along better than any family I have ever met. I just wish that I am able to give my current family even just a taste of what a loving, caring and God believing family is like.
Expert:  Mi Linda Luz replied 11 years ago.
Dear Kd, Don't give up. You know satan is going to be riding your back for trying so hard to do the right thing. Don't let him win. If it seems too easy for the pay it probably is a trap just waiting for you to fall for. We have to sweat to earn what is worth having in our lives. When looking for work, think small at first. The thought of working at MickeyD's may seem embarrassing but if it pays the bills and leaves you a little time to do things with the wife and kids take it. It's a job. Work. It does not in any way define you as a person. Actually, if you were to take a job like that or a cleaning job it would show everyone just how serious you are about doing right by your babies and their mommas. Can you see the picture I'm painting? Here's something I want you to repeat to yourself and your children, "God Don't Make No Trash." Don't let anyone convince you that what you are and what you have is'nt worth saving. Just smile and say to yourself,"My treasure can not be stolen because it's in my heart, and there ain't no man on this sad little planet that can take it away from me." There will always be times when we feel like letting go. The thing people forget is you may let go but if you've done your best to prove to Jehovah that your trying HE WON'T LET GO. It takes two to hold hands and walk this walk. When we are weak, you better believe that all you have to do is let him know you can't hold on anymore and ask him to hold on to you till you get your strength back. He will, I promise you he will. Sincerely, XXXXX XXXXX Luz
Expert:  Steve -- a.k.a. Oreport replied 11 years ago.

It is informative that you label your stay-at-home-Dad, duties as 'back
breaking'.  My guess is that -- unless you live in a 40 room mansion -- your emotional pain is,
understandably, inflating the housework burden.

You, admirably. want to 'stick it out' for your daughter's sake.

In order to make doing so more realistic, I strongly advise you to get
a part-time job while your daughter is at school.  If paid work is
not forthcoming -- volunteer.  Nothing works better to change one's
outlook for the better than helping someone else carry their load

Your 'dead soul' needs feeding and dreaming about old times with your
ex will only feed the 'indigestion' of your current situation. 
Getting out more and making a difference somewhere will help greatly.

You should also have a thorough physical exam and be screened for
possible clinical depression (abuse, stress and worry can bring it
on).  If depression is present, counseling and/or medication can

Good Luck!



Customer: replied 11 years ago.
Dear XXXXX thank you for your responce. I have been on anti-depresents for 3 years now. I am currently out and have been taking a smaller dosage of my wife's. I am a recovering alcoholic. And untill I spent my longest stretch of time in jail that I ever had. I have not had any suggest with it. I was not able to be cured by Medication or Counseling. even in-patient treatment, I've lived in a no holds back world in Las Vegas, where I drank, gambled, and partied all the time. Most would not even notice. I was an Executive Chef in Charge of 17 Restaurants and over 700 Employees. I was the most efficient, Supervisor in the Kitchen Department and the most well liked. I had whatever I wanted practically handed to me. Sure I worked alot of hours and had a very demanding job But I was used to that. Always in charge always the responsible one. To become a person in control at such a young age. Married w/Kids and responsible for so many others. Was the most fullfilling and happiest time of my life. Never had a new car owned a home or sent any of my kids to College. Not untill I went for the money, the lights, and the action. In Las Vegas. Now I'm in charge of 2 dogs, 2 cats, a gerbile. and the Laundry, dishes, trash, etc. I go back to a Hotel in Nevada and I'm treated like I was still in charge, People did whatever I asked of them, not out of fear of losing there job, but out of respect and loyalty. For I treated every one from the Man who mops the floors to the man who signed my check the same. I would treat my employees as if I worked for them. I could still be there. Maybe not alive, but back home in Nevada. I was only able to pull myself out of my downfall by being arrested. And forced to going cold turkey. 38 days, of wondering where I was going to live, who would take me. My wife was out of the question. She even brought our daughter to visit me while I was locked up. And at that time she told me that I would not be coming to ther new house by the ocean, and that she was having another man move in with them. I didn't get upset I only asked if he was a nice person. I felt that it was better to have a better person there for my daughter than a dying, pain-pill popping depressed alcoholic by her side. Though I was physically Ill, and spent more time in emergency rooms or hospital beds than I did with my child . I was content with the fact that I wasn't good enough for my wife and child. So I would just lay in my cell and read, not worry about myself , that drink or smoke but about my child and how she would remember me. I read all the time never. I wouldn't get depressed about what my future was going to have instore for me, or if anyone was even going to be there in this large city where I know nobody except the people I met in my dependency groups. And the gentlemen I met in jail. Sure I was offered a few short term living quarters but that would have led me back to my drinking and drugs. So I decided to put my life in Gods hands. I am not a large overpowering intimidating looking individual, one that can take care of himself in a cell block. But I am not afraid of any man or men. I have been telling them what to do my whole life. They always listened before, why not now? I went to church with my family and attended church classes. I always helped the needy and tried to give all my contacts anything that they needed or aske for; A day off, A baby sitter, A ride, A shoulder to lean on or even just an open ear to listen them. This was my 7th time being locked up for something that I've always felt I didn't deserve. I harmed no one. Not physically anyway. Then I realized that I wasn't being punised, I was being saved. Yes when every cent we had couldn't buy me sobriety, what every doctor, counselor, or even my good friends couldn,t do for me was cure me. The almighty put me in that brick building with bars not to keep me from society but to keep society and all it's evil from me. He gave me a place where I had complete lack of responsibility. All I had to do was get up and eat. That was my cure, I needed to relax take a break in life Mend my body, mind ,and soul. Nobody harrassed me while I was in there we were all in the same boat. Since I learned that a man is who he is and not what he looks like to others. I was able to meet other's someone to talk to. All that hard work, long working hours, after shift nite life was gone. Owning my own Home in a brand new beautiful neighborhood, swimming in our own pool, Driving new cars and vacationing wherever I wanted . I was still just another guy, using the same shower and eating the same food as everybody else. That never bothered me. I was not responsible for anything. Yet still felt like I was on the team. For the first time in my life nobody needed me RIGHT NOW! I could do as I pleased. And best of all no alcohol to persuade my thoughts. God put me in there alright, He heard my prayers. So I put myself in his care. Didn't stress my departure or the direction I was going when released. It was the most content that I had been since a child. I used to have to have a cigarette and a drink to go along with my dozen or so prescription drugs. Now all I needed was a toothbrush and enough light to read and write with. When I was released ,I had remembered that every other time that I was released fromn a jailhouse,and this includes 3 days in Jail in Orlando, Fla 3000+ miles from home I had been given a ride even up to my front doorsteps. By complete strangers. But this time It wasn't a stranger it was my Wife and child. The wife who said I had been replaced had picked me up and took me to her new home where I was supposedly never to step foot in or even know of it's location. Steve, thankyou for your suggestion. And it probably is a better way for alot of people but my. choice is the Lord. I will continue with him and not give up. My child needs me, I need her and we both need her mother. She will realize one day that spirituality is a good thing for your body. The Lord will help me through another tough spot in life. He always has he just needs me to jump back on the field and play ball again.
Expert:  Mi Linda Luz replied 11 years ago.
DearCustomer Before I signed off tonight I wanted to leave you with one final thought,"Sometimes God calms the storm. Sometimes he lets the storm rage and calms the child." Take care, Mi Linda Luz
Customer: replied 11 years ago.
I have been thinking that I would like to hear a married or divorsed womans point of view. I admit that I could be a better Husband. But To be Shot down again and being so far from the rest of my relatives would be very unpleasant and may lead to a relapse in my recovery. So Women put there husband/boyfriends down to try to get them motivated. Why is it always to the extreme with my wife. From being calm to calling the cops and having me thrown out of the house. From hot to cold to hot so fast and so often. Why, Is she bipolar.
Expert:  Anne replied 11 years ago.

 I am a married woman, and a divorced woman.  You mentioned that you would like to hear a point of view.

I was married to a full blown alcoholic as well as his being bipolar.  He did not take medication.  This was a marriage from hell. We were together for 15 years and everyday it got a little worse.  There was no physical abuse, but the emotional abuse crept up to the point that I had no friends, I was not aloud to take a walk on a nice day,  the phone got ripped off the wall if I was talking to a family member, The car keys were taken away and when I had to pay the bills, I had to ride a bike.  I was intimidated as to what I was suppose to wear, how I was to wear my hair, what color my hair was suppose to be.  I was talked over, under , around and through and I was really not allowed to talk.   The house was kept immaculate by me,  we had a very large kitchen,  as soon as I completed cleaning the floor, he would walk right on it with muddy boots, look at me and grin.  If I made a roast for dinner,  I was screamed at that it was the wrong roast.  If I accidently made the same thing for dinner that he had for lunch...  the temper was unbearable.  His drinking would start about noon while he was at work,  it continued until late at night.  I will add also, that he rarely missed a day of work.  He would stop in at the house all hours during the day while working.  When the time came that I knew he would be done for the day,  I would start to shake because I never knew what was going to happen when he got home.  I had to be very careful of the tone of voice I used and what words I used when talking to him, because one wrong tone or word and it would set him off.  It was like walking on egg shells.  The last 2 years of the marriage was hell,  he would stand in the doorway of a room if I was trying to pass him, and just stare at me as if he wanted to kill me.  He would pick a fight over anything and not talk to me for weeks.  I never knew if he was coming home or not from one minute to the next.  Suddenly both my parents became ill. I was the only one who could take care of them until I got outside help.  My husband threatened me not to take care of them,  that he was the one who came first.  Everyday I made 2 different dinners, one to take to my Mom and Dad, then I would have to leave and cook a different one for him because he would not eat what I made for them.   This went on for 8 months everyday. I had to appear happy in front of my parents.  The pressure got very hard to bare and I became suicidle.  By the grace of God and a wonderful family physician..  I ended up on medication for severe depression,  I weighed 105 lbs,  I was under counseling and managed to keep all of this away from my parents until the day that they both died.  My Dad passed away, then my Mom.  God and the counselor gave me the courage to walk away from my marriage and my home and start all over again.  It was a blessing.  The total amount of time envolved from the time my parents became ill was almost 2 years.  I ran back and forth all day everyday,(I lived 2 miles away) for 8 months..  then my Dad died.  There was only my Mom. I chose to stay with her 24/7 because she needed me and that was the beginning of the end of the marriage.  During this time, I had 2 wonderful woman helping me with the illness of my mother and I gathered the strength to start divorce proceedings.   As my Mom's illness progressed, so did the threats from my husband.  It got to the point that I had to stop the proceedings because I could not think anymore.  I had been overwhelmed with everything. I had to learn my parents finances,  I had to learn my Mom's disease, I had to learn to grieve silently for my Dad,  I had to learn to watch my Mother die a slow death , I had to learn who I was, and I had to learn that it was ok to give into my emotions.  I had to learn that it was ok to breathe.  I was 44 years old.   My husband got a girlfriend.   As I look back,  I dont regret a thing.  God gave me the chance to learn things I never would have known.  God took my parents home, but He gave me my life back and the knowledge to know the signs of when He is talking to me.  Thank God, I listened.  Emotional abuse is a very slow form of abuse.   It robs you of your self esteem, it conforms you, molds and shapes you to the image that the spouse wants.  It creeps in to destroy your self respect, it takes away your ability to converse with others, it destroys your ability to make decisions, it effects your health over time and it makes you a meer shell of a person that you once were.   Emotional abuse ranks up there with High Blood pressure,  it is a silent killer and you can wake up some morning feeling as though you are just dust in the wind.  It makes you walk with fear and your body is hunched over, it gives you fear to look someone in the eye.  You walk with small undertermined steps instead of long, steady strides of confidence.  Emotional abuse can and will destroy, just like drugs and alcohol,  slowly but surely.  

     There is the opinion of a married and divorced woman.  I hope that through my letter, there has been something that you can use to apply to your situation.   God bless you and your family.  Just to add,  I never took any drugs, nor did I ever drink any alcohol at any point in my life.   I was simply very unaware and my husband saw that to his advantage.  There is much more that I could have gone into regarding the abusive marriage, but it would have taken pages to do so.

Customer: replied 11 years ago.
Thank you very much for your letter Anne. I want to tell you that being in that situation is very harmfull to your physical self as well as your mentsl health. When I was depressed I would go to emergency and end up staying for days. tThis would happen twice a month. I would only feel relief from my pain by having the doctors give me morphene. How I thought I could never live without some sort of buzz. But you are right , God is always there, and yes he listens . Thankyou again and gl in life.   God Bless You.
Customer: replied 11 years ago.
I appreciate your responce and over the last 2 days I have tried my best to be not only very kind to her but to continue doing everything I can at home to make it a very peacefull place. My wife was ok for 2 days, she was quiet and unhelpfull but caused no problems. I spent all of yeasterday cleaning and sorting all of her desk. This is where she spends all of her time at home. It is always a mess if I don't do it doesnt get done. She barely noticed and seemed put out when I asked her to decide what items would stay at her desk and which could be moved or filed elsewhere. She did help a bit though did not enjoy this 20 minutes of helping out. This morning I got up with her and went to my computer. My desk being a total mess from moving everything from hers to mine, I cleared it of and went to my mail, in hopes that I had a response to any of my job applications. When I finally got to my E-mails and started searching she yells to me from the bathroom that she needs my help. I get up go to the bathroom and she hands me a steamer to unwrinkle her pants for her. I was not pleased and told her it was not a good time for me. She starts screaming at me in front of our child saying why won't anyone ever help me, do I have to do everything for mnyself. I just went back to my computer. So she makes her daughter steam her pants. Has her use a steaming hot iron above her head. I just let them be. 5 minutes later she comes busting through the door and immediatly starts yelling at me. I got up not to let her at my computer. She explodes and starts caling me every name she can think of and at her highest tone of voice, all while our daughter is right there. Ofcourse than she leaves the room to explain to our daughter how much of a loser I am and that I started the fight. It is always the same. She starts the yelling and than passes the blame. My daughters pet hamster died last night from a wound from my wifes cat. She blamed it on me saying that if I would have shut the bathroom door it wouldn't have happened. The truth being my wife put the hamster in the bathtub and left it in ther while my daughter was in bed and I was in the garage. But it is my fault. Why would she do this Put the hamster in the bathtub? Leave the door open? not tell us? and than blame it on me. That was my daughter's favorite pet she has ever had, and she has had lots. I need someone to explain to me Why she continually has to pass blame and not take responsibility for her actions. And rarely ever says she is sory or that it was her fault. She can do no wrong in her mind and always comes up with an excuse. Nothing is good enough for her. She gets of at five but never comes home untill after 8-9pm. She is either totaly depressed or has other interests. Should I let her read these passages that I have sent? I don't know.
Customer: replied 11 years ago.
Thankyou for your message and I hope others could give there thoughts also. Any and all responces would be appreciated.
Customer: replied 11 years ago.
Reply to Anne's Post: Thankyou for your response, I hope there are others that could give me some advise as well as you have Thanks again

Expert:  Mi Linda Luz replied 11 years ago.
DearCustomer I had to go through three horrible marriages before my prayers for a god-fearer husband and step-father for my son came along. It sounds like your wife has alot of my mother in her. Paranoid all the time, accusing us of saying bad things about her. Accussing my father of trying to kill her. Always trying to turn me against my father(remember in my earlier messages I explained what a close bound we have), I was astonished, to say the least, at the wild imagination she would put into her stories. Here are a few examples; Your dad murdered a police officer when you were a before you were born. Your father hits me all the time and never gives me enough money for food for you. Your father has a lot of girlfriends that's why he comes home so late at night from work. Your father doesn't love you or else he would work more jobs and make more money to buy you the things he knows you want. (This was the two worst that I will never forget-Your father had sex with men when he was in jail. Your father told me he use to have sex with his friends dog). Besides her lies about him and her put-downs, it was her that always swung at my father. She would get so close to his face when she would yell at him she could have kissed him instead. She would always say "hit me, hit me, you know you want to, do it you coward." I don't know how my father always had the strength to hold back. When my mother realized that her lies and killing my pets(yes she killed two hamsters, my four Giant Pigions, and my cat), she decided to threaten me. But not in the way most would think. Her threat was this, "If you don't go wake up your dad and tell him you don't want him to talk to you any more and that you've decided that you hate him, I'm going to hurt him and make him lose his job and leave so you never see him again. She yelled at me for what felt like an eternity. Finally, she dragged me into their bedroom where I poor father was fast asleep and she whispered, "do it now, or else". So in blubbering tears I woke him and whispered the words she said I had to say to save his life. I can honestly say Not even the birth of my son years later could top the pain I felt that night. The next morning in the kitchen when my mother was outside my father snuck over to me and put his arm around me and said he knew that it was my mothers words I was repeating. I told him I was sorry and that I was really scared my mother would really hurt him if I didn't do exactly what she said. He said remember this baby, there is nothing in this world that your mother can do to me that will would hurt me more than losing your love. We both had to wipe away tears and walk quickly away from each other because she came in the front door. My mother years later was diagnosed as bipolar with some sort of paranoid sycosis. She only took her meds for about two months then she said she quit because she felt better. Of, then she turned back into the black widow we all remembered from our childhood. I believe it is very possible that your wife may be suffering from something. But it could be so many different things, menopause, depression, Bipolar disorder or just plain guilt because she knows how much she's hurting all of you and can't stop. I would definatly not show her your support system(these e-mail conversations) because if she's trying desperatly to break you and see's where you are getting your strength and reassurance she will find a way to destroy it also. You need to find a way to reassure your children that there is something wrong with their mom and it's not really her talking when she gets mean. That's what my father always told me to remember and honestly if it wasn't for my father continually telling me that I would have grown up carrying hate in my heart and mind for her instead of pity and sorrow for the lost soul that my father helped me to realize was there. I still pray for her at night, that some day she will find peace. It also helped me realize(since I was a child) that momma's anger was not my fault, mom and dad arguing was not my fault, mom hitting me was not my fault, mom said she hated me and wishes I was born dead-but that wasn't mom talking. Mom didn't know what she was doing, none of it was my fault. Please help your children to know for certain that "she doesn't realize that she's hurting you when shes mean like that, she's not doing it on purpose, sometimes she doesn't even remember saying the things she says and doing the mean things that she does." They need to know that now before it's too late. Before they start to feed a seed of hate in their hearts and minds for her and you and even themselves. Sincerely, XXXXX XXXXX Luz
Customer: replied 11 years ago.
Thankyou so much for your input. I will not let her read these passages. I almost did today. She told me today that she was going to pack me 1 suitcase and take me to my out of state Relatives. I told her that 1 suitcase wasn't enough and why so she can get rid of me and kep everything. She asked why I would want to stay with someone who didn't like them. I told her that I would not leave my child alone with her. That she would take all her frustrations out on her and that I wouldn,t be here to shield her from them. I do believe that she would be even more abusive without me here. I know it sounds like my out, but I just can not let my daughter be alone with her. The last time I was gone 38 days. She left our 9 year old alone many time. To go to work, or go out partying with her friends, both male and female. My daughter would have to go to school with nobody there, come home to nobody and be alone at night while her mother was out doing whatever she was doing. The only reason she brought me back I believe was to care for the home and child. Now that We are making a stand she just says time to go again. I know that even if I leave for good or for a short time it is just repeating the same actions as the past. I leave and she either calls and says take this kid I don't want her. Or she calls and says You can come back if? Well I have to let my daughter finish the school year and I don't mind taking a break from my wife, but once a gain we are just repeating what always happens. SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO? I only want the best for my child, My marriage is not my main concern right now.
Expert:  Andy replied 11 years ago.

How dare you say that all she does all day is leave the home and work 9:00 to 5:00!! That's what you should be doing too. Why aren't you out flipping burgers? Mc. Donald's will hire anybody. (You were a chef right?)Why are you living off this woman and providing nothing back in terms of financial support? You need to get out of the house and associate with other members of the human species and become socialized again. Your daughter needs you. Be a responsible dad. You seem to trivialize her emotions when you mention whether you should leave her with your wife and take off. You also say that your marriage is not your main concern right now. No wonder it's in trouble Where's the commitment? You blame your wife for taking you back everytime? Whats that all about? You seem to be blaming everybody else for your problems.

I don't know what's best for your child but you certainly are not providing that now. I say this at the risk of being chastised by some of the other specialist who have already turned me in for stating my opinion in other forums but I am telling you what I have noticed through all the dialog between you and the other specialist. I think you are depressed, overwhelmed and need counseling. 

Sharing my life experience may not be "professional" but I use it to share with others with the hope that it may help them. (I have received positive feedback from a moderator that it was ok to share one's experiences after I received a nasty and rude comment from another specialist who felt that I was not a "professional" and I should keep my opinions to myself.)

Anyway, your wife can't be cop happy, we are only getting one side of the story, in one communication you are stating that you are drinking and in another you say that you are a recovering alcoholic. Which one is it? You are contradicting yourself all over the place. You must be doing something wrong, after all, you did spend six or seven times in jail. You'd think that after the first time you would get the hint. Take it from another guy who tells it like he (thinks) he sees it. You gotta help yourself, no one is going to do it for you. Grab yourself by the bootstraps and get going forward. Stop your whining, you are a grown man. Get help if you need it.

I suffered from physical, sexual, and psychological abuse growing up and I grew up being able to take care of three children, my wife, (whom I told to stay home while the kids were little), and myself. I am now president of my own company, drive a new car every 3 years, own a home, take vacations with my lovely wife, and have excellent credit. I got off the bottle 14 years ago, quit smoking ten years ago, and walk for health every day. Start slow and work your way towards achieving little goals and add more as you progress.

I am 51 years old and already partly retired. I feel better than I ever did in my entire life so it's never too late. Don't wait for somebody to do it for you pal. Let's go, start right now today. Sorry but you are getting enough sympathy from the other specialists in this forum. All I can do is talk to you man to man.

 Good luck :)

Expert:  Mi Linda Luz replied 11 years ago.
DearCustomer Wow seems to me that someone needs to work on his bedside manner. I believe waiting for your daughter to finish this year of school is not much to ask, it's already into May. Summer break usually starts in June. See if she will let you stay till then, till your daughter gets out of school. As for it being the same old thing nows your chance to "break the chain" of "the same old thing". When and if she wants you back say no. When you and your daughter get back to your family you will have a support system for yourself as well as your daughter. Start divorce proceedings as soon as you get there. Specify that you should recieve full custody not only because of the abusive nature your wife has towards you both but also because your wife works full time, and will not give up her social life to be home for your daughter. On the other hand, you have family around you and when you get a job your daughter will have a hourd of family fighting for the chance to watch her while you work. I'm only telling you this because it sounds to me like "the horn is blowing"(in ancient times when it was time to run someone always warned everyone else by blowing a horn). Just softly explain to your wife that you and your daughter will go to where your family is for the summer. Then after the summer the two of you can sort things out. In the mean time make your plans where you and your daughter might stay, every city has free legal so ask your family to look into what a divorce lawyer can do for you when you get there. Once you get you and your daughter to a safe place the ball is in your court. When I was finally able to leave my last husband who was an alcoholic and drug addict, I made sure my son was with me. We only took everything that belonged to my son and my clothing. The reason I didn't want to take anything else was because I knew how much my ex thought having an abundance of material things made him look and feel more successful. The material things and how everything looked was what mattered to him, what mattered to me was the safety of my son and myself. So set your priorities and decide that what ever you leave behind can be replaced by you and your daughter, which will make the new material things have meaning to you both. Your first couch, your first set of silverware, you first bikes, etc. I borrowed silverware and pots and pans and dishes from my friends untill my son and I could buy our own,and alot came from garage sales. :) Your escape and your daughters seems to be planning itself out but I know and I hope you know that there is only one being that could plan this out so well for you. So, don't get nervous just play along for a little while longer and when you go take nothing but what ever is truely your daughters and your clothing. If she allows you to take your computer(tell her your daughter would like to keep in touch with her friends via e-mail because phone calls would be too expensive.) :) Don't take anything that you two have but as a couple. If you have your own guy stuff that's different, I wouldn't think she would care about your personal things. But, don't take so much that she starts asking questions. Make sure it looks like you might come back if she calls you. I hope this helps some I know you can do it. You should watch the movie "Enough" with XXXXX XXXXX. Not that I'm telling you to bait her and then beat the snot out of her like JLo does to her ex. What I want you to pay attention to is the abuse and how JLo's character gets away. It's not easy. It's heart pounding. I believe in you, and even if you were a jerk like the last "Specialist" incinuated, the truth is no one should have to live with abuse of any kind. Especially where children are involved. Don't lose your cool. You need it to save your baby. Sincerely, XXXXX XXXXX Luz

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