Hello, I would like to ask you a question after reviewing you letter. Is there a reason that you are not employed?
I am a married woman, and a divorced woman. You mentioned that you would like to hear a point of view.
I was married to a full blown alcoholic as well as his being bipolar. He did not take medication. This was a marriage from hell. We were together for 15 years and everyday it got a little worse. There was no physical abuse, but the emotional abuse crept up to the point that I had no friends, I was not aloud to take a walk on a nice day, the phone got ripped off the wall if I was talking to a family member, The car keys were taken away and when I had to pay the bills, I had to ride a bike. I was intimidated as to what I was suppose to wear, how I was to wear my hair, what color my hair was suppose to be. I was talked over, under , around and through and I was really not allowed to talk. The house was kept immaculate by me, we had a very large kitchen, as soon as I completed cleaning the floor, he would walk right on it with muddy boots, look at me and grin. If I made a roast for dinner, I was screamed at that it was the wrong roast. If I accidently made the same thing for dinner that he had for lunch... the temper was unbearable. His drinking would start about noon while he was at work, it continued until late at night. I will add also, that he rarely missed a day of work. He would stop in at the house all hours during the day while working. When the time came that I knew he would be done for the day, I would start to shake because I never knew what was going to happen when he got home. I had to be very careful of the tone of voice I used and what words I used when talking to him, because one wrong tone or word and it would set him off. It was like walking on egg shells. The last 2 years of the marriage was hell, he would stand in the doorway of a room if I was trying to pass him, and just stare at me as if he wanted to kill me. He would pick a fight over anything and not talk to me for weeks. I never knew if he was coming home or not from one minute to the next. Suddenly both my parents became ill. I was the only one who could take care of them until I got outside help. My husband threatened me not to take care of them, that he was the one who came first. Everyday I made 2 different dinners, one to take to my Mom and Dad, then I would have to leave and cook a different one for him because he would not eat what I made for them. This went on for 8 months everyday. I had to appear happy in front of my parents. The pressure got very hard to bare and I became suicidle. By the grace of God and a wonderful family physician.. I ended up on medication for severe depression, I weighed 105 lbs, I was under counseling and managed to keep all of this away from my parents until the day that they both died. My Dad passed away, then my Mom. God and the counselor gave me the courage to walk away from my marriage and my home and start all over again. It was a blessing. The total amount of time envolved from the time my parents became ill was almost 2 years. I ran back and forth all day everyday,(I lived 2 miles away) for 8 months.. then my Dad died. There was only my Mom. I chose to stay with her 24/7 because she needed me and that was the beginning of the end of the marriage. During this time, I had 2 wonderful woman helping me with the illness of my mother and I gathered the strength to start divorce proceedings. As my Mom's illness progressed, so did the threats from my husband. It got to the point that I had to stop the proceedings because I could not think anymore. I had been overwhelmed with everything. I had to learn my parents finances, I had to learn my Mom's disease, I had to learn to grieve silently for my Dad, I had to learn to watch my Mother die a slow death , I had to learn who I was, and I had to learn that it was ok to give into my emotions. I had to learn that it was ok to breathe. I was 44 years old. My husband got a girlfriend. As I look back, I dont regret a thing. God gave me the chance to learn things I never would have known. God took my parents home, but He gave me my life back and the knowledge to know the signs of when He is talking to me. Thank God, I listened. Emotional abuse is a very slow form of abuse. It robs you of your self esteem, it conforms you, molds and shapes you to the image that the spouse wants. It creeps in to destroy your self respect, it takes away your ability to converse with others, it destroys your ability to make decisions, it effects your health over time and it makes you a meer shell of a person that you once were. Emotional abuse ranks up there with High Blood pressure, it is a silent killer and you can wake up some morning feeling as though you are just dust in the wind. It makes you walk with fear and your body is hunched over, it gives you fear to look someone in the eye. You walk with small undertermined steps instead of long, steady strides of confidence. Emotional abuse can and will destroy, just like drugs and alcohol, slowly but surely.
There is the opinion of a married and divorced woman. I hope that through my letter, there has been something that you can use to apply to your situation. God bless you and your family. Just to add, I never took any drugs, nor did I ever drink any alcohol at any point in my life. I was simply very unaware and my husband saw that to his advantage. There is much more that I could have gone into regarding the abusive marriage, but it would have taken pages to do so.
How dare you say that all she does all day is leave the home and work 9:00 to 5:00!! That's what you should be doing too. Why aren't you out flipping burgers? Mc. Donald's will hire anybody. (You were a chef right?)Why are you living off this woman and providing nothing back in terms of financial support? You need to get out of the house and associate with other members of the human species and become socialized again. Your daughter needs you. Be a responsible dad. You seem to trivialize her emotions when you mention whether you should leave her with your wife and take off. You also say that your marriage is not your main concern right now. No wonder it's in trouble Where's the commitment? You blame your wife for taking you back everytime? Whats that all about? You seem to be blaming everybody else for your problems.
I don't know what's best for your child but you certainly are not providing that now. I say this at the risk of being chastised by some of the other specialist who have already turned me in for stating my opinion in other forums but I am telling you what I have noticed through all the dialog between you and the other specialist. I think you are depressed, overwhelmed and need counseling.
Sharing my life experience may not be "professional" but I use it to share with others with the hope that it may help them. (I have received positive feedback from a moderator that it was ok to share one's experiences after I received a nasty and rude comment from another specialist who felt that I was not a "professional" and I should keep my opinions to myself.)
Anyway, your wife can't be cop happy, we are only getting one side of the story, in one communication you are stating that you are drinking and in another you say that you are a recovering alcoholic. Which one is it? You are contradicting yourself all over the place. You must be doing something wrong, after all, you did spend six or seven times in jail. You'd think that after the first time you would get the hint. Take it from another guy who tells it like he (thinks) he sees it. You gotta help yourself, no one is going to do it for you. Grab yourself by the bootstraps and get going forward. Stop your whining, you are a grown man. Get help if you need it.
I suffered from physical, sexual, and psychological abuse growing up and I grew up being able to take care of three children, my wife, (whom I told to stay home while the kids were little), and myself. I am now president of my own company, drive a new car every 3 years, own a home, take vacations with my lovely wife, and have excellent credit. I got off the bottle 14 years ago, quit smoking ten years ago, and walk for health every day. Start slow and work your way towards achieving little goals and add more as you progress.
I am 51 years old and already partly retired. I feel better than I ever did in my entire life so it's never too late. Don't wait for somebody to do it for you pal. Let's go, start right now today. Sorry but you are getting enough sympathy from the other specialists in this forum. All I can do is talk to you man to man.
Good luck :)