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Ask Coleen Hoffmeister Your Own Question

Coleen Hoffmeister
Coleen Hoffmeister, Mother, Grandmother, Wife
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Experience, been there
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how long should a couple date before getting married

Customer Question

we have been dating for four months and have not had any type of physical contact. Yet we still love each other. He has asked me to marry him and I have accpeted. But my curiousity is wondering because my family and friends are saying it is too soon. I honestly dont think time matters.
Submitted: 11 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Coleen Hoffmeister replied 11 years ago.
You don't say how old you are? Time is all we have and to rush into anything could be painful and a mistake. Step back and look at some things to save both of you any discomfort.

Here is the real scoop that most people don't know.

YOU change at least 3-5 times in your lifetime. This means, your interests change, you grow towards different goals in life, etc. Many times, when we are young, we fall in love and that guy or girl is our life partner. Then, we hit a snag. He's started getting interested in race car shows. He stays on the tv for hours watching it. She decides she isn't loved anymore and gets into some other vice, such as bingo 6 nights a week. The love affair falls apart.

This is what your family is talking about it's too soon. It is good you haven't had the physical contact and still love each other. This is a strong, strong beginning and I applaud you.

Check out your interests and your goals. Sit down and write down what you would like to do with your life. Take a short vacation that interests each of you - and maintain the "no physical contact." If you have a blast, then there is a good chance that you are the best of friends and your relationship can grow.

The childhood love affair and/or highschool sweethearts is not a myth, but a miracle. People change so much throughout their lifetime, it's a wonder any of us stay married or together long. In a lot of instances a divorce is not a failure of anyone person, but a failure to grow on the same path or work at keeping the relationship going in the same direction.

I have been married to the same wonderful man for 24 years. We are the best of friends and he is my life. However, I rushed myself when I was 19 and married a man who seemed good and worked hard. He abused me terribly. After 7 years and two kids, I finally got out. But the damage it has done to me and my kids doesn't heal. And, the loss and damage it did to that man didn't heal either. God rest his soul, I forgave him a long time ago, but what a waste. This is the severity of your decision.

God Bless you guys and the best of luck. HAVE FUN FIRST and get serious later!

That's my wish for you!
Customer: replied 11 years ago.
Reply to Coleen Hoffmeister's Post: I am 26 years old and I have been in what they call "the High school sweetheart" love. ten years of my life and it did not work out. I have dated after this affair and given up when I met my Soldier. He is a bit older. We have a great deal in common yet our differences do not bother us. I want to be with him and I know he feels the same. But I fear the thoughts and comments of my family and his. I am not sure what to do. The only thing I am sure of is that we do love each other.
Expert:  Coleen Hoffmeister replied 11 years ago.
What a wonderful story. Relish in the fact that you have found this guy and don't worry about what everyone else says. Stick with it. You are old enough to make up your own mind. If you love him, stick with him. Your mind is mature enough to know the pros and cons. In your heart you know and I would suggest a strong meditation technique to tell you what is in your soul.

The bible says, we shall forsake all others. But beware, sometimes your family sees more than you do.

If you have no doubts about your love for this man, do not think of what others say. Listen to your heart with an open mind.

In my situation, my family love my husband more than I do, if that's possible. On the other hand, his Mom and Dad have told him, after 24 years of faithful, loving devotion of my husband, and for no apparent reason, he is welcome, but I am not. It hurts me, but I love this guy too much. He has given up on his Mom and Dad and even his sister knows they are wrong. They will regret it one day, I am sure, because my husband will not outlive them, even tho they are 70 and 75 years old.

Take each day one day at a time. Don't force anything. Wake up in the morning anxious for a new life as each day unfolds. If marriage is in the cards and that is what you want to do, go for it. It is about the age of 30, we become aware of what is best for us. So what if the guy is older than you. Women do mature faster than men. He's really probably about the same age mentally as you are.

Good luck, And God bless.
Both of you.

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