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Anne, Non professional
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 20
Experience:  High school Diploma, college, advice columist, writer
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Sexual Problems

Customer Question

I love my husband very much. We have been married for about a year and I feel like Im always begging him for sex these days. It used to be the other way around but lately he doesnt seem interested at all. I have been tracking over the past 7 months how often we have sex and it is only about 3-4 times a month. He has gained some weight and attributes his low sex drive to that and stress. I have tried everything. At first I gave him a hard time about it and he seemed to withdraw more so now I hardly ever mention it b/c I thought that this would help, to not feel like Im nagginhim. I try many things to get him in the mood but he dissmisses me like it is crazy for me to propose sex. I am at my wits end and need help!! Im afraid this will be a problem for my marraige.
Submitted: 11 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Anne replied 11 years ago.
 Hello,    could you tell me your ages please,  and how long you have been together,  not just married but the term of the relationship?
Customer: replied 11 years ago.
Reply to Anne's Post: We have been together for about two years, married for one. He is 41 and I am 21. Anything else?
Expert:  Anne replied 11 years ago.

 Thank you.  There may be a possiblity that he is experiencing difficulty in obtaining an erection.  You said that he has gained weight, has a low sex drive and is under stress.

Stress alone can contribute to a low sex drive with a male or female.  An unexplained weight gain can have a underlying medical reason, which can also contibute to the low sex drive. When a male feels that he cannot adequately gain or maintain an erection, he will show little interest in sex.  Some men are very intimidated as well as embarrassed with this situation.  Considering the 20 year age difference between the 2 of you, I would take that into consideration.  He may feel as though he is very inadequate to fulfill your needs and is too embarassed to discuss it with you. Try to be understanding and let him know that he can comfortably discuss this with you.  He may want to see his medical Dr. to rule out any medical condition that could be causing his lack of interest.  As Men mature, the male harmone,Testosterone, declines which can slow down his sex drive also.   I hope I have helped you, if you have any other questions please contact us.  Thank you.

Customer: replied 11 years ago.
Reply to Anne's Post: Let me clarify by also saying that I strongly do not believe that he has a problem getting or keeping an erection. 9I wish thats all it was!) I have considered this and it could be a problem I don't know about but its never been a problem Im aware of. But I do believe he masturbates much more frequently than we have sex. I don't know if this is b/c he doesn't want sex or if there is less work involved with masturbating???
Expert:  The Mystic Wave replied 11 years ago.


I would not worry about not being able to engage in sex with your husband at this time. It appears that your husband is going through some emotional issues right now - as you say he has gained some weight - thus, it does appear to be that he is feeling a bit self-conscious. I would count your blessings that your husband is still able to make love with you - even though it is 3-4 times a month....some can't at all.  I would suggest that your husband schedule an appointment with his primary physician for a physical exam.

Your question comes across as a need for your own fulfillment - -  I am a little there shouldn't be a problem with your marriage if your husband does not engage in sex for a period of time - or longer - being married - loving another human being is not just about "sex" it's about committment - it's about loving unconditionally, it's about caring, it's about compassion - (it's not based merely on sexual pleasure)..... 

You must forgive me, but (and with all due respect).....I do need to state that I am puzzled to see that you have listed yourself as a "Human Sexuality Specialist/Teacher" - and yet you are seeking information on how to deal with a personal "sexual problem" for I don't see this as a problem - I see it as a situation that needs to be looked upon as a possible physical condition - and the fact that your husband has even admitted to you about stress - well, that right there says a whole lot.

Please have him seek the advice of a professional medical practitioner - I believe that before long, he will be himself again...and hopefully, things can get back to "normal".....what you are accustomed to.

I wish you nothing but the best in your marriage.

Bright Blessings.

Peace, Love & Happiness,

The Mystic Wave


Expert:  Anne replied 11 years ago.
 I would assume that you did not notice this type of behavior before you were married.  I also am assuming that you had sexual relations before you were married.  If this is a sudden onset of a few months,  this is why I lean toward a medical problem.  Masturbation does not mean that there is not a problem now, with erection.  If it appears that his masturbation has increased...  it is telling me that there may be some type of physical  or emotional problem that he is not discussing with you.   If you have not tried to calmly talk with him about this and what you have noticed, then I would give that a try.   If you have tried to discuss this and have had no result,  there are many reasons that this could be happening. It could be a "control"  matter,  it could be out of anger,  it could be because of fear of inadequacy,  there are many reasons that someone suddenly prefers self gratification. Some of them can be physical reasons.  Laziness is really not a reason for increased masturbation.  Your profile indicates that you teach Human Sexuality..   it is a college course that I took also.  As you stated in your post, "you have considered that erection could be a problem, but it has never been a problem that you are aware of".   This may be something that has developed over time, and he doesn't understand why it  may be happening.  If you haven't already,  try to talk with him, you may be able to learn more that will help you.  Please contact us again if you need more help.  We are here.  Thank you.

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