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Ask Michele Sayre Your Own Question

Michele Sayre
Michele Sayre, No professional title
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 52
Experience:  Writer--I study human nature to understand why people do the things they do.
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Commonlaw vs. Marriage

Customer Question

We lived together for 10 years, but have been married
for a few months and all we do is fight. Why?
Submitted: 11 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Andy replied 11 years ago.

Welcome to the real world of marriage. It's probably got to do with compromising on some issues. I think that when you are living together there is no fear of being legally bound and one can always leave the other on a moments notice.

Now all of a sudden you realize that, although it's still an option, it is a lot harder to do. Was your spouse given an ultimatum to marry you? If so, there may be some bitterness there. 

There are so many reasons why newly married couples fight that you could write a book about it. It may just be the newlywed jitters that are fraying your nerves. Remember, just because you lived together for ten years you still are newly married.

You need to look at why you  got married and spoiled a seemingly "good" relationship. Are there some in-law issues? Stepchildren? Overall, what you are experiencing is very normal and if you are both commited to making it work, you'll just have to work out the issues and differences that make either one of you unique in your own special way. And remember, don't ever think that you can change the other spouse to be more to your liking.

For a marriage to work you also both need your own time away from each other so that you can enjoy each other when you do meet again.

Expert:  The Mystic Wave replied 11 years ago.


And, perhaps you will fight for some time, until you get accustomed to being married - it's a major change.

I have been with my soulmate for 16 years, we recently married last year - this has happened to us (with mock fights)- My husband and I are "in love" with each other so we have nothing to worry about.

Your fighting now is merely a transition stage....but, conflict inevitably arises in any type of relationship and, if handled properly, it can strengthen a relationship. As long as it doesn't lead to abuse, things can work out. 

The website below offers solid information to help with conflicts and outlines ground rules and step by step procedures on "fair fighting" - hope this helps you.

Fighting Fair to Resolve Conflict

Please take care - my best to you and your husband.

Bright Blessings.

Peace, Love & Happiness,

The Mystic Wave

Expert:  Michele Sayre replied 11 years ago.

You and your husband may not realize it, but maybe you have both changed some of your old routines now that you are both "married folk." What are you doing now that you didn't do when you were just living together--or maybe it's something that you two were doing then that you're not doing now.

Think back and see if you can find that routine or feeling again. Maybe it will help to occasionally act like you're both still single and go out and paint the town red (or whatever you consider fun). It could also help to repeat to yourselves that even though you are both married now, you are still "free" to end the marriage whenever you choose. The thing is, though, that you CHOOSE to remain in this marriage.

Perhaps it might help your marriage if you have guy pals and gal pals weekends where both you and your husband go on separate, occasional weekend mini-vacations with your closest friends. Maybe planning a guy and gals night once a week might help. This way you get to have all the benefits of a committed relationship (marriage) and still honor the fact that you're both individuals who had a life before the marriage (single and free of entanglements).

If the things you're fighting about seem really petty at the time, then maybe you should both take a time out and think about what is really bothering you.

Sometimes when people get married, they think that the honeymoon stage is over and they don't have to try so hard anymore or they start taking advantage of their mate. If any of these things have happened, then nip these things in the bud and say, "We may be married, but that's not a reason to stop caring about the little things," and then make an effort to hold your love for each other as being more sacred than you are holding it now.

Last but not least, try laughing more. It's hard to hate someone or fight with them if you are both sharing a joke--watch a funny movie, tv show, HBO special together or go to a comedy club from time to time. Place one night a week aside to be used as a special date night--whether that means going out to dinner and a movie, bowling, or just curling up on the couch together to "spoon." Just remember to have fun. Life is too short to worry about anything else!!!

I hope this helps!

Mic Sayre

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