I'm sorry for your situation. My prayers and thoughts are with you.
Here is the website link to T.D. Jakes Ministry:
The Potter's Touch - T.D. Jakes Ministries
The Potter's House (further info on T.D.Jake)
To send him mail, please click on the link below:
Nexo Service Page
Church Location & telephone number:
The Potter's House 6777 W. Kiest BlvdDallas, Texas 75236(214)(NNN) NNN-NNNN
Please take care.
Peace, Love & Happiness,
The Mystic Wave
I hope you realize that you can longer rely on this person for your happiness. You have allowed yourself to be a victim over time but it is now time to take care of you (even before the children). You are not going to be good to anyone, including them, if you don't take matters into your own control.
Alcohol is a terrible disease. I have had it all my life. Even AA didn't help in my case because I couldn't stand being surrounded by people who have hit rock bottom. It was depressing. That was over 20 years ago. The only way I was able to quit was when my wife asked me to leave and not come back until I was serious about quiting.
I never left but what I did do is decide that I wasn't going to let alcohol ruin my life and drag those who loved me with it. My wife was not gonna take it. Her stern ultimatum was all I needed. I threw out all my beer (a major achievement) but one can in the refrigerator. That can sat in the fridge for over a year before I threw it out. Everyday I looked at it and reminded myself that just opening that beer was the end of my life as I knew it.
What I am trying to say is that I quit because I wanted to, not because of my wife's threat. Your husband is apparently not interested in controlling his illness. If he really loved you and you gave him an ultimatum, maybe he would seek help and quit. I doubt that he will go to counseling because alcoholics deny they have a problem to begin with. I think you need to take stock in yourself and where you are in life and make a real decision as to where you want to go.
You probably have low self-esteem because alcoholics are very manipulative and controlling. They deny they have a problem and will make you feel like you're stupid or dumb. You can go to an al-anon meeting others who are in the same situation as you. You will feel very relieved to know that you are not alone and that it is not you who has a problem. They will help you and help you through your hard times.
Your husband lies and cheats and you can't trust him according to your own admission so why are you letting him get away with it? His disease has taken over his (and your) lives and there is nothing you can do unless he wants to change. Remember, you can't change him, only he can do that. In the meantime, start making a life for yourself, get some couseling (you can get it free if you are of limited income in many communities). GO FOR IT GIRL!
I don't believe your husband is playing you - I believe that his problem is his physical condition. However, you must do what you feel is right for you.
Being involved with someone who is under the influence of drugs and alcohol is naturally an emotional roller-coaster ride, mostly on a daily basis - but, spiritually speaking, perhaps you are meant to be together for lessons to be learned - and/or that you came into this life to be his protector - one can only know for certain by what they feel from within. As well, one can only know how much they can tolerate. Some people will not stand for anything - as soon as they find out about a matter, they quickly walk away. Others can go to the extreme and say that no matter what another one has done to them, they will stand by their partner's side - which is one's own prerogative and free will - a right given to each and every single human being on the planet.
Of my own belief/opinion and experience, one has a "general" idea of what they are getting involved in and the person they are getting involved with concerning any type of a relationship - and especially marriage, and they "generally" know the true character of the individual - thus, they have the desire to be with the other - Why? Because something was attractive/appealing in the beginning and/or for a certain period of time - - Was it due to caring? Was it a physical attraction? Was it emotionally fulfilling? Was it love?......................and now?- What could possibly have happened along the way?
Understand that the use of alcohol and drugs does not define the true character of a human being - (that is merely a mask- and, if the sober person is able to put all things aside - not taking things personal - one can then look beyond the surface to see the truth). Should the one who is addicted be treated like they are worthless? Personally, I don't believe that should be so - I do feel that everyone is deserved -- and no one has to be played, nor one has to be used by someone under the influence - as long as one does not allow for it to happen.
As I will admit, I am psychic/clairvoyant/ empathic/spiritualist - have great personal insight which was gifted to me by "God" for whom I strongly believe in - (do not mistake me for a "gypsy fortune teller").....I could tell you all kinds of things right now - however, I don't have that right - and I strongly believe that no one can tell anyone what to do - everyone must walk their own path - one must follow what they believe is "right" for them (unless we're talking about doing something that goes against the laws that govern our society).-- but one can help guide - yet, not guide to suit self - but guide to suit the individual for whom they are attempting to help.
The answers you seek come from within - it comes from without - it comes from above, it comes from hopes, prayers and faith - it comes from your heart and soul!
The fact is, your husband is ill - and I'm not talking about his addiction - I'm talking about the fact that he is suffering from a bone disease. In our day and age, it would seem that more people would understand that not everything is as it appears to be. Many people can develop illnesses and react to same - yet go undiagnosed for years and years - in the meantime, the ill person pacifies their condition (for which they are only made privy to - by their own body talking to them, more so subconsciously) by resorting to alcohol, drugs, gambling, caffeine, nicotine - and any other such vice that's naturally judged, labeled unacceptable by our societies' standards - although this doesn't make it all "peaches and cream" for the partner of the "ill" person. How much can and will be tolerated - well, that's up to the individuals involved.
I also believe in the sanctity of marriage - two people take vows "in sickness and in health" "for better or for worse" - yet - if one is suffering from abuse - that's a different story - certainly, any kind of abuse is bad - and should not be tolerated - but, the situation could be remedied if one so desires to seek counseling or other such assistance - naturally though, the decision of ending a marriage depends upon the morals and beliefs of the individuals involved.
Should you truly feel that you can no longer be with your husband, I believe that you should take the necessary steps to change the situation at your earliest convenience so that you no longer suffer - Life is certainly not meant for suffering, it's meant for living - and time passes by ever so quickly.
I wish you the very best - and my thoughts and prayers are with you.
ballen47, you said that your grandson runs races. How does he get there? Can't he pick you up on the way? It sounds like you have had everything possible happen to you from cancer to heart attacks to several mini-strokes, beatings, rapes, skull and other fractures, mean stepmother, alcoholic husband, a shotgun put to your head but you survived when he pulled the trigger because it jammed, had a baby at 15 and now you want $1,500 for a van.
What's wrong with this picture? You have allowed yourself to be a victim your whole life and now I hear desperation and depression. Yes you have had it really bad, worse than anybody I have ever known but isn't it time to do something about it?
You call on God and say he has been really good to you. I'm sure he has but God wants you to help yourself too. Excuse me for sounding rude but there many others in this forum that can help you through the compassionate side but me, I have been there too and I did not get out of it until I decided I've had had enough. I didn't get anywhere brooding over my situation and I say this at the risk of getting more scathing responses from other specialist.
Like one person posted earlier. Stop being a victim. Get off the computer and seek a proffesional therapist because you really need one at this point in your life. A hug for you.