How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Anne Your Own Question

Anne
Anne, Non professional
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 20
Experience:  High school Diploma, college, advice columist, writer
88721
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Anne is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

should I divorce husband hooked on porn

Customer Question

I have been married for almost 4 years. I found out that my husband was addicted to online porn. He even bought it 3 days after we were married! After 3 conversations with him about this and conveying my feelings that I found this practice VERY hurtful as a woman ( he would stay on line for 4-6 hours a night while I slept) I found out that he has been doing it again while I am at work. He told me before he has been doing this for over 10 years. I would have never married him had I known he had this addiction. I told him our marriage was over if he did this again. The reason I know he is doing this is because I have spyware on the computer. I installed the spyware because I thought he was cheating after a photo of a strange woman popped up on our "C" drive...which he claims to have no knowledge of. He will not go to a therapist. I felt so ugly and undesirable! I am no prude...but I don't do the things in the porn flicks( threesomes,groups)Am I right to divorce him? We have no kids together, I don't know what to tell my 9 yr old. I am so confused. He does not know that I know of these recent episodes. Please be honest.
Submitted: 11 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  jon_050 replied 11 years ago.
 Porn is degrading to women who usually only do porn because of drug addiction.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being appalled by his interest. Couple that with the fact that he is addicted and won't respond to your intervention...


You don't need permission from anyone to end your relationship with him... and more importantly protect your child (boy or girl) from  that filth.


There is a better life out there. Tell your child you can not be happy in the relationship and and must move on. A child will always follow there mother (at least during the younger years).


 

 
Expert:  Michele Sayre replied 11 years ago.
DearCustomer

I definitely feel for you. The position you find yourself in is not a position that most of us would enjoy at all.

Frankly, if your husband's not willing to seek help or agree to get some kind of help (whether it is with a counselor, psychologist, or clergy person with counseling experience), then I guess it falls upon your shoulders to decide exactly what you are and aren't willing to put up with.

From what you said, the fact that he's addicted to this online porn really bothers you a lot. I think, though, that what is the worst thing for you is the fact that he lied to you--he pretended to be someone he wasn't and I think that there's a part of you that wonders deep down inside that if he could lie about this thing (and hide it so well for four years), then what else is he lying about and hiding from you (other than the porn). Am I right?

Just out of curiosity--how long have you known your husband? You had to have at least known him for five years, which means that your child has known your husband for more than half of his/her life. How will your leaving your husband affect the emotional health of your child? (You're going to have to come up with some kind of a reason why you want to leave.) How will your staying affect him/her? (If you do decide to stay, just be aware that there might come a time when your child might accidently become exposed to this pornography. That's a sight, once seen by innocent eyes, that can never be taken back or erased from one's memory. (Plus, you could end up with the unenviable problem that your child might think that all of this is acceptable behavior--and then the cycle continues.)

To be honest with you, I'd give your husband the chance to get the help he so obviously needs. Explain to him that it's either get help or say goodbye to you and your child because you will not accept his addiction as a normal part of everyday life for either you or your kid. [At least that's what I'd do if I was in your position, but I'm not you. You're the one who's in love with the guy. You're the one who knows what behavior you will and will not tolerate in your mate.)

At least give him that chance to get help. If he doesn't take it, which he might not--addictions and changes in behaviors do not have timetables, then you will have tried and now you need to do what is best for you and your child. (A marriage no longer can be considered a marriage if only one of the people in it is trying.)

Frankly, I think that you already know what you want to do, but you just wanted another opinion to help you make up your mind for sure.

Good luck with your predicament. I truly hope things work out for you.

Mic Sayre
Expert:  Steve -- a.k.a. Oreport replied 11 years ago.

No one can decide your next step for you.  That said, your
reaction and feelings are valid.  As much as he may disagree,
utilizing porn in any format or manner constitutes infidelity.



In addition, pornography turns women in general (and one's wife) into an object for selfish sexual gratification.



The fact that you have a child adds to the seriousness of the situation
and the need for action.  If you have a daughter it may be only a
matter of time until she becomes a sexual target -- as addicts need
more and more stimulation as time goes by.  Even if you have a son
there is till some chance of direct sexual abuse -- and if not -- is
your husband the kind of gender role model you want for your son?



With all this said, porn use is an addiction and it is very hard to
break even when a problem is admitted to and faced -- which your
husband has not done.  Even some churches are waking up to the
fact that porn addicts need help rather than comdemnation -- but those
addicted have to want the help.



While you certainly can try to help him get help, your first duty is to
your child's safety and well being.  In your position I would be
much less willing to stay and 'work things out' with a child in the
picture.



As to your obligation to the marriage -- I don't think you are morally
bound to stay.  Your husband clearly turned out to be 'not as
advertised'.  As you state: 'I would have never married him had I
known he had this addiction'.  And further: 'I told him our
marriage was over if he did this again'.



My advise is to follow through on your ultimatum and leave.



Good Luck!



Steve






 


















Expert:  xarqi replied 11 years ago.
Short answer: Yes.

Given the apparent strength of your feelings about his activities,
coupled with your feeling of having been deceived, I don't see a
happy future for you two together.
Expert:  Anne replied 11 years ago.
HelloCustomer
     After carefully reading your letter, I can sense your anger and pain. Four things jump out at me. You are hurt and feel threatened with your husbands behavior. You have no control over the situation. You have lost trust in your husband. Your self esteem has been greatly damaged.
        Before jumping into a divorce... let me ask you why you married him in the first place. There had to be a reason and maybe loving him was one of them. You have been married nearly 4 years, how was your relationship before you got married? Could it be that because you are at a loss of what to do and that you have no control over this problem of porn, you want to jump ship. I can readily understand how you feel. It is an empty, lonly feeling and a feeling of betrayal. There is no easy solution to this if your husband refuses counseling. Apparantly he feels that there is nothing wrong with what he is doing. Would it be possible for you to go to counseling alone? Sometimes professional input is what we all need in a situation such as you describe. It would depend on how badly you wish to save your marriage, or if you are using this as the final straw to a much bigger picture of problems and you want out of the marriage. Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Previous | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Kate McCoy

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1664
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1664
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    915
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/mschase2u/2009-01-04_010319_chaseface.jpg Ms Chase's Avatar

    Ms Chase

    Life Coach

    Satisfied Customers:

    853
    Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/AL/aliciamiller/2012-4-9_21330_profilepicture.64x64.jpg Alicia_MSW's Avatar

    Alicia_MSW

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    453
    Specializing in relationship/family counseling
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/NP/nphbrown/2012-7-30_24048_ImYrManSerious1.64x64.jpg Dr. Norman Brown's Avatar

    Dr. Norman Brown

    Marriage Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    414
    Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    366
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
 
 
 

Related Relationship Questions