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Ask Michele Sayre Your Own Question

Michele Sayre
Michele Sayre, No professional title
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 52
Experience:  Writer--I study human nature to understand why people do the things they do.
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Trust Issues continued part 2

Customer Question

I previously asked a question, titled trust issues. I
received great advice. To sum it up, my boyfriend at the
time was accusing me of cheating on him because my
ex texted message me. I never did cheat on him. He
broke up with me accusing me and being paranoid.
During that time I tried to contact and see him but he
made no attempt back. He said he needed his space.
I finally let it be. I gave up. This past week out of
nowhere, a month after the breakup, he texted
me saying that he wishes I never dogged him, that he
misses me and thinks about me, and that it sucks that
we can't be together. He was aware that I had a minor
operation that Monday. It was nothing big. After that
text, two days later I received one ( the day before the
operation) that said good luck tommorrow. Then we
started texting each other and he kept pleading with me
to hang out. I went over that night. We ended up
having sex. It wasn't just sex though. He couldn't
keep his hands off of me. He kept holding me and
cuddling, telling me how pretty I am and how much he
missed me. He seemed to always want me in his arms.
He then called me to make sure I got home okay. Ive
talked to him since. We contact each other daily, either
through text or call. He wants to hang out again this
weekend going to dinner, movie, and shopping. I'd
love to try to work things out, but nothing really has
been mentioned. I'm scared to bring it up because he's
finally starting to come around and I
don't want ruin things and push him away. He also
knows that if i see him this weekend that we can't have
sex because of my operation. I'm confused. I don't
know why he came back and if he's just playing mind
games. I don't want to get hurt again. I was just starting
to be okay with everything. Please help!!!
Submitted: 11 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  The Mystic Wave replied 11 years ago.

I suggest that you get a direct answer from him concerning what he wishes to do about your relationship. Certainly, there's no sense in wondering. He may have been a bit apprehensive about moving in together and used the telephone incident as an excuse, but that didn't help you. It is not necessary to prove anything to him.

You do have to follow your own heart but you don't have to let it get trampled on. I am hoping that all will work out for you.

Please take care.

Bright Blessings.

Peace, Love & Happiness,

The Mystic Wave

Customer: replied 11 years ago.
Reply to TheMysticWave's Post: Thank you for your response. I know that I have to sit
down and talk to him. We just started talking agin but
I'm scared that if I bring up the subject of "us" to quickly I
will push him away again. I also don't know how to
bring up the subject without causing an argumwnt and
to get honest straight answers. He wants to hang out
this weekend should I be available any day or give him
the day and time that I want to hang out? Please help
Expert:  jon_050 replied 11 years ago.

 Ask yourself this question-

Did he come back to you because he didn't find someone else?


Because he realized he had made a mistake?

Trust is the foundation to all relationships. If he don't trust you the math is easy.

If you don't commnad respect we (guys) have a tendancy not to give it.

Do keep in mind he came back practically begging. Don't think for a minute that you don't have any 'girl power' over him.

Customer: replied 11 years ago.
That's the hard part. I know that he wasn't looking for anybody
else. He never really went out. He left his house twice since we
broke up, over a month ago. He is not a party - bar kind of
person plus he is laid off during the winter. He likes to sit home
and play playstation all day during his time off. I'm not sure
what made him come back but i wish i did. For him not to trust
me is sad, because I never gave him a reason not to trust me. In
order to gain some respect should I then pick the time and date
when we hang out this weekend and not be available whenever
he wants to hang? I know that I shouldn't have sex with him
anymore either it was a mistake. I don't know where to go from
this point. Should I hang out with him or make him sweat it? If I
do hang out with him, I don't know how to act because I don't
know what he wants.
Customer: replied 11 years ago.
Reply to jon_050's Post: 1 Accepts/2 Questions

Posted: January 21 2005 at 11:19am     

That's the hard part. I know that he wasn't looking for anybody
else. He never really went out. He left his house twice since we
broke up, over a month ago. He is not a party - bar kind of
person plus he is laid off during the winter. He likes to sit home
and play playstation all day during his time off. I'm not sure
what made him come back but i wish i did. For him not to trust
me is sad, because I never gave him a reason not to trust me. In
order to gain some respect should I then pick the time and date
when we hang out this weekend and not be available whenever
he wants to hang? I know that I shouldn't have sex with him
anymore either it was a mistake. I don't know where to go from
this point. Should I hang out with him or make him sweat it? If I
do hang out with him, I don't know how to act because I don't
know what he wants.
Expert:  jon_050 replied 11 years ago.

Playing games does work, at least sometimes. You come across as someone that has class. Don't change (game players usually have no class). Besides, making him sweat will only confirm what we already know (be confident).

Be yourself. Show high spirits and a positive attitude. Give him a little time to admit his mistakes. He cares about you, or wouldn't have become so upset over the prospect of losing you.

If he can't admit his mistake move on. Above all else, you deserve someone who trusts you.

On your question about what to do this weekend. Make your decision based on all your oppurtunities. Choose the one gives the best opportunity to have a good time.

Many of my friends are just like him. I call them territorial rednecks. They are not evil, but have issues. We all have flaws.

One more thing. You don't need permission from anyone to communicate with whomever you please. Don't hesitate to let him know this.

Expert:  The Mystic Wave replied 11 years ago.


Thank you for providing more information.

Honestly........a real relationship is not about games - it's not about needing to "act" a certain way - it's not about "not being sure" - it's about being "real" and "honest"  - and it helps to communicate, to share interests, to be friends - and being "in love" -

If you feel that he is worth it - if you feel that he is someone that you wish to have in your life - if you feel that you are able to rise above what he has done to you, to be willing to forgive and try to forget - if you have love in your heart and soul for him - then there's your answer - it's quite simple.

The mind plays tricks, hon - and it's most important to understand that not everything is as it seems to be! It's a given that humans do things according to the way that they think, feel and believe - and, most definitely, we all seem to have our own agenda. What I'm saying here is that, although he did what he did to you, if you dig way down, deep inside of where he's coming from, you may just see that it was nothing personal - it was about HIM - Certainly, though, I am not condoning his actions as it was unjust for you - but, don't get me wrong, for I'm not actually saying that he was being selfish -

It is very well possible that he has some hangups - but note that I cannot tell you for a fact that he does, at this time, for I'm merely providing you with my own "opinion" not my psychic insight - and certainly, I'm not him - but, take a look at his behavior, do you not think that perhaps he is insecure and/or possibly jealous? By what you have stated, with him believing you cheated - could it not also be that he said that to you for fear of being rejected by you - people do say unfounded things at times - and more than just a few times, in order to protect self from being hurt (it's a defense mechanism)....What's your impression of him? Do you believe he is someone who goes out of his way to hurt another - to hurt you? Would you really fall for someone who hurts others, let alone you?  - Remember, no one is infallible.

Thus, the answer to your question truly lies within and without you - Within is from the heart and soul (how do you really feel about him?)  -Without is what you are seeing and hearing (can you handle it? - Do you want to?) Next is to incorporate the two - which one outweighs the other? Once you make such deduction, you will know what to do.

As I stated above, the mind plays all kinds of tricks (for not everything is as it seems) - the only thing that is real is one's heart and soul. Also, note that love is not easy - it has many ups and downs and can cut like a knife  - there's a saying- "if love was easy, everyone would be in it" - and you certainly know that is not the case.

Know that I feel for you - it was not right for what he said - and did to you - but, sometimes people need to look past self and look at the other in a more adult and enlightened way- What truly motivated him to say and do what he did? - What is really wrong with him, if anything? A little compassion for another doesn't hurt - Why take revenge and/or dump him - certainly humans aren't yesterday's garbage. Of course, we all have our tolerance level, we may all wish to be treated with respect, certainly we all deserve it - Thus, if one is wanting to have a relationship, then one may wish to consider handling matters wherein healing can take place (to resolve the issues).

Personally, I believe that everyone deserves a second chance, and more, but your situation is yours, not mine. Truly, it would help to find out what is going on with him - and be up front and honest with him, letting him know what he said and did to you was uncalled for - and how he has hurt you. If you do not wish for him to treat you so unjust (accusing you of cheating, or anything else) then you need to let him know. Whatever the outcome may be - you will certainly be led on the right path, the path for which you have followed your own heart and soul.

I hope this information has helped you. If I can help you further, please do not hesitate to let me know.

My very best to you  - my prayers and thoughts are with you.

Please take care.

Bright Blessings.

Peace, Love & Happiness,

The Mystic Wave

Expert:  Michele Sayre replied 11 years ago.

Whether you slept with your boyfriend or not is all water under the bridge now, so don't worry about it.

You wanted suggestions about what to do with your boyfriend situation, so here are my suggestions:

1) Think about what you want. Before you even see him, you need to consider what it is that you want from this relationship. Obviously, judging from his actions, lack of trust is a major issue here, so that's the one thing you two should really focus on. What kind of relationship is going to make you happy? If you want trust, respect, and understanding, then there is no reason why you can't have them.

You just need to get clear in your mind exactly what you will and WILL NOT put up with anymore from your boyfriend. To help you decide this, think about how much pain he just put you through this past month. You had been faithful to him and never lied to him (If I understood you right.), and yet he was willing to listen to his guy friends instead of with you--the woman he was supposed to love and be building a long-term relationship with. He wouldn't talk to you most of the time to even let you try to explain, and even if he had given you the chance, he wasn't in the right mind-frame to believe your answers.    

2) Sit down, talk, and share your real feelings. Don't be afraid to let him know how his prior behavior made you feel, that it hurt even more because you loved him and that you were innocent of all his accusations and you couldn't do anything about it because he wouldn't give you a chance to explain. Here's some more things to discuss: A) What do you both want out of this relationship? Is it going anywhere? What are the qualities or issues that you both would like to focus on or emphasize? B) Trust. You need to take my prior suggestion (get copies of your phone records to prove that--one, you never contacted your ex in any way, shape, or form; and two, that you did change your phone number like you originally professed that you did.) Calmly hand this stuff over to your boyfriend and explain to him that you're sharing these records because you WANT to NOT because you must. You are sharing them because you want to put his lack of trust completely to rest. Explain to him that you don't want to hear about this subject ever again, at least not about the ex. [If he brings this up again at a later date--after you've done all this, then you need to decide if this relationship is for you because obviously nothing will please this guy--not even indisputely proof of your innocence.] C) Rumors. You need to tell him that if he has a problem with the relationship, then he should discuss that problem with you [since you're the other half of the relationship]. He needs to spend more time trusting you and less time listening to his guy friends' opinions. They don't know you, so they don't know what you are thinking or what you have or haven't done. D) Ex-boyfriend. What will it take for your guy to believe you that your past relationship with your ex is just that--in the past? Perhaps you could write a final letter that he could review [that is ONLY if you want to give him that privilege] and send it to your ex-boyfriend telling him that you've changed your cell phone number, so he needs to stop contacting you. [This is what caused all the problems to begin with.] E) Text-messaging. Do yourself a favor. Try not to check messages in front of your boyfriend. Maybe it might be worth your while to turn the phone off during your time together. [If someone needs to get ahold of you because of an emergency, then check your phone from time to time--maybe in the bathroom out of watchful eyes or in front of him if he thinks he can handle it.] F) Boundaries. If he's mad, he needs to TALK to you after he's had a day or so to cool off (but it shouldn't be any longer than that). A relationship only works if BOTH people are willing to work on it. If he can't do that, then technically, you're not in a relationship anymore if he's cut himself off from you.   

3) Slow things down and build up trust. Why don't you two decide to put a hold on the sex for an agreed amount of time (whether a week or month or whatever). Give yourselves time to know and trust each other without all the complications that sex adds to the mix. That doesn't mean that you can't cuddle and hug and whatever. Just give each other time to let your emotions (like trust and faith) have time to grow stronger.

4) Be fearless. You can't be afraid to lose him every time you talk to him. That's just ridiculous. No one can live like that. A true relationship should be begun with love, but it only lasts if true communication is able to occur without fear of being punished (Your boyfriend leaving every time he gets mad or distrusts you.). You deserve better than that.

5) Consider going to a counselor. If you both agree that you'd like this relationship to last, then you both might consider going to a counselor to safely work out any unresolved relationship issues.

Whatever you do, trust your instincts. Listen to your gut. You are the only person who is an expert on you. You know how much you can put up with and what you're breaking point is.

Good luck!

Mic Sayre   
Customer: replied 11 years ago.
I have recently posted a few questions before. i am
just confused again and i dont have many people to talk
to. you can check my other posts please. my family and i
are not close at all. i posted a question about my ex
not trusting me or making false acusations. We recently
got back together again for the past 6 months.
everythng was wondeful. i basically moved back in and
everything was great. i tried to show him that he could
trust me because i wasnt doing anything wrong. i was
with him everyday for the past six months. i didnt even
go out with my friends at all in the past 6 months
because i wanted to show him that he could trust me by
seeing me evry moment. i cooked him dinner everyday,
made his lunches for work everyday, cleaned up after us,
did his laundry for him, etc. then this past friday, my
cousin came up from florida because she had a
misscarriage. I asked shaun if he would mind if i
visited her because he had to work in the morn. he said
no. i left on good terms. he knew that i wasnt going
to a bar because she cant drink cause of all the meds
that she is on. i even called her in front of him. he
knew that i wouldnt be out late because i had to get up
early to get my brakes fixed on my car and my mom was
helping me drop off my car. I was home at my moms that
night pretty early about 1 am. i didnt leave shauns
untill 11. now mind you he did move to batavia, which
is about 45 minutes from where my mom lives. I make
that drive everyday just to see him after working 9 hour
days or so and pay so mcuh in gas and tolls. he told me
just to stay home that night so i could get my brakes
fixed plus he had to be up at 5 for work. I went to get
gas in the morn and ran into my friend tia there. I
havent seen my friends in ages so i grabbed a quick cup
of coffee with her before i wnt to get my breaks fixed.
I then left my car at her house which was right down the
road. Shaun was working and saw my car at tias early in
the morning. He called me when he got home after
ignoring me all day. He called asked me what i did last
night. I told him the truth and i even told him that i
went out for coffee with tia in the morn. He then
accused me of being a lier and that i went out with tia
to the bar to get drunk and meet men and just stayed at
her house. I went to the apt. to talk and grabbed all
of my things because he told me that he was done with me
and didnt want anything to do with me because he cant
trust me. I even offered to call tia or my cousin in
front of him. I am telling the truth i didnt do
anything worng. He texted me yest. to tell me that he
loved me and that hes sorry things are like this. I am
a very honest person. he even caled me selfish. i do
so much for him. Im heatbroken and devasteated i dont
know what to do or where to go with this. I know he
cares i dont like being blamed fo sh*t that im not
doing. he's acting like he saw my car at some guys
house which he didnt it was at my friends house. he
knows this. Please ehlp im so depressed and crying all
the time i dont even want to get out of bed!
Expert:  Michele Sayre replied 11 years ago.

I really don't know what else I can say to you that will make anymore difference to your life than the suggestions I posted above. I just reread all of the above posted suggestions (by other specialists, as well as my own), and frankly, you DIDN'T listen to ANY of us, so, no, I'm not surprised that you are in the boat that you are currently in now.

You, my dear, have been duped, and worse yet, you willingly let Shaun dupe you. You were so desperate to take him back that you took him back under HIS conditions and NOT your own! From what you've written above, you mentally bought into his world view of how a woman should cater to a man's every freakin' need and wish, and you did. You gave up your LIFE! You gave up your FRIENDS! And you gave up your independence! You're Shaun is controlling and mentally abusive because he has managed to effectively cut you off from anyone and anything that you ever loved or wanted to do. By willingly agreeing to all of his conditions, you have literally made yourself a PRISONER in this relationship. You're confined to house arrest and are only allowed out on work detail, and if that isn't bad enough, you're not even allowed very many visitors (or only the pre-approved kind like family). For God's sakes, there are hardened criminals in prison who get more, as well as better privileges than your boyfriend has given you!!

Please, please, please, wake up and get the hell out of this relationship for good! Walk, don't run to the exits! This guy is NEVER going to change, and if you don't want to spend a lifetime (years and years) of repeating the same last six months over and over again, my advice to you is to get the hell out while the getting is good.

Try rereading the above advice, and maybe LISTENING to it THIS time. Hopefully, you'll be ready to hear all the good advice that was offered the first time you posted.

Good luck!

Mic Sayre

P.S. Let me hazard a guess--you never did have that conversation with your boyfriend and discuss your past relationship together? The reason that I know you didn't is because you were too afraid to rock the boat. Well, honey, rock the damn thing before it overturns on you and drowns you. Good luck!

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