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Catherine
Catherine, Councelor Of Friends
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Mother,Adult Survivor,Preachers Daughter,Open Minded,Logical and Gifted
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what am i doing wrong

Customer Question

hi,i love my boyfriend with all of my heart,i treat him like a king,i hand wait on him,do his laundry,cook fro him,clean up his home,make sure he stays satisfied but i dont feel like im doing enough,how can i be sure i mean what can i do to make sure he knows im the only one who will ever love him this much,i do all of this and yet girls still call,his ex's still call,ya know,he never wants to have sex that much,,and sometimes when i tell him i love him,he acts as if he doesnt here me,please help
Submitted: 11 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  becat replied 11 years ago.

 Hi Angie,


I realize that this is an on going question for you. You've gotten some good advice about this realtionship. I felt a need to respond this time, maybe because the way you've worded this question.


It's just my opinion about this, but I hope you get something worthy from it. No man is going to truely respect a partner that is more like his mother. If you do everything for him and it seems he doesn't return this manner of care to you.......What are you getting from him?


My attention is more focused on you. How worthy do you see your heart and love? If you know that you are worthy of good things, you may see him with different eyes. Realationships are not often 50/50, but it seems that you are not receiving even the best attempt from this man. Many of us can say that we have loved a person that probably wasn't best for us. Your love is not misgudied, but your man may be.


I think you've stated before that you have told him how you felt about the other "girls" or his friends. His response seems to show lack of empathy to you. Certainly, ignoring the I love You's you give would concern me. Although, this pharse used to often will become noise, not a feeling.


Angie, your willingness to care for him, love him through tough times, and your willingness to work on this realtionship is apparent. Your worth the same type of love and care. Your worth the same level of commitment. Your worth a partner that thinks you rise with the sun and shine with the moon. No one is worth the cost of you.


You need to decide if this is how you want to feel later down the road? Unless he shows a true change of course, you may not have found the man you deserve. I think that the fact that you still question his motives really might be you heart trying to flag down your head. Take notice at the bigger picture. Those little moments of happiness, how many are there? Can you see the two of you growing old together? Who is going to help you in your time of need? Does he do nice things for you.


It's really your's to decide. I think your worth what your willing to give. I know that people will give you what they can get away with. I hope the best for you.


Good Luck.


 

Expert:  Michele Sayre replied 11 years ago.

Dear XXXXX,


I'd like to share with you a little lesson I learned growing up.  Some people do NOT respect you when you bend over backwards for them.  My paternal grandmother always treated her five grandchildren differently.  The two children of my Aunt C were always treated differently from my brothers and me.  The only thing that I could see that was different between the two sets of children and grandchildren was that Aunt C and her two children did everything for Grandma.  They often bent over backwards, and for their trouble they were often disrespected and not thought well of.  My dad, my brothers, and I, on the other hand, were always greeted with respect--if anything, Grandma always bent over backwards for us because we didn't often see her everyday like my aunt and my cousins did.  The only difference that I could see between the two groups was 1) we didn't bend over backwards for Grandma (We did not live our lives waiting for her approval.), and 2) we thought enough of ourselves to not give in to any of Grandma's guilt trips.


The lesson of this story is:  Have more respect for yourself.  Stop waiting on him hand and foot.  Obviously he doesn't appreciate it, and frankly, I think that all it's doing is helping him to think less and less of you.  At this point, you're practically acting like his slave, NOT his equal, and that's what you are--his EQUAL!


If you want some drastic, life-changing advice, then here it is:


1)  Stop being his slave.  If he doesn't appreciate the little extra things that you do for him, then stop doing them.  Maybe he'll really appreciate the things that you did for him if you're no longer doing them and being at his beck-and-call.


2)  Stop being so dependable.  He knows where you are all the time.  Do you know where he is all the time? 


3)  Get dressed and go out.  Go visit your friends.  Go out to clubs when you can.  Stop waiting at home and driving yourself insane with the wondering of what he is or isn't doing.  (By the way, I'm am NOT saying to pay him back in kind by cheating on him.  That kind of confusion doesn't help anyone.)


4)  Demand respect--if not from him, then at least from yourself!  Expect more for yourself.  You deserve better than this guy.  You deserve better than your ex, too.  Stop thinking that this is all you will ever get--that you have to stay with this man because you are afraid that he is your last chance at love.  If you truly believe that, then you're probably right.  We get out of this world those things that we believe we deserve.  I could say this to you a billion times, but until you believe it for yourself, you will never believe these words:  "You are special in the eyes of God.  No matter what you're situation is now, it WILL get better.  You have only to ask for help, and it shall be given to you."


5)  Be strong.  You have all the strength within yourself that you will ever need.  Use it. 


6)  Be prepared to take a breather (or walk away).  You might actually need to take a break from this relationship (for a couple of days or longer) to get some perspective on your problems.  When you do so, you might realize what everyone's been trying to tell you, find someone who will appreciate you, who will set your heart on fire.  I know that you think that this guy does that for you, but where's the balance in this relationship?  It seems that the crap that he's piling upon you now far outweighs the good that he has done.


Good luck with your life, Angela.  I hope you find what you're looking for.


Mic Sayre

Expert:  Catherine replied 11 years ago.
Dear Angie,
     What you have done is what all Women in love
should do for their Man. You have already gotten some good advice, however for you to be able to effectively accept any suggestions you have to be ready to take one more big risk. Detach. Pull back a little. Indifference is sometimes the red flag a Man needs. It is hard to tell by your letter just how much he does not appreciate you, or at least doesnt express it to
the extent of your needs.
     Honey if you can't communicate your concerns with him and you continue to feel used and neglected you will never know peace and contentment.
     I suggest that you attempt in an appropriate way to express your needs and continue to do what You have been doing that is good along with setting aside some quality time doing what you enjoy doing alone. Start your days looking your best for You. Being Healthy and alive for you. Look for your happiness from within yourself, and start practicing the art of self love. Men are attracted to Women who are self assured and confortaable in their own skin. Learn how to be healthy selfish. Take all the space you can stand to explore something beautiful every day and soak it up.
     You might have to reconsider your thinking on what this relationship is compared to what you wanted it to be. Don't allow yourself to be stuck on stop any longer. If The expectancies in your relationship are not what you were led to believe than turn it around and romance yourself. Grow within yourself and become the sensous Woman you know you are inspite of his lack of encouragement. And if He is not intrigued with the new you, then you are that much more attractive for the attentions of other Men.
     You have to take a risk that in becoming a less needy Woman that you may discover that Your love for him could be better directed and his love for you less important.

Be Strong
Catheriene    

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