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Michele Sayre
Michele Sayre, No professional title
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 52
Experience:  Writer--I study human nature to understand why people do the things they do.
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please help am i being cheated on

Customer Question

how can i tell if my live in boyfriend,so called fionsea is being true to me?he constantly has is female friends calling,it really makes me mad,stark raging mad,im tired of it,i just wanna snap and hurt the girls,but,am i over reacting?please help
Submitted: 11 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Vickie replied 11 years ago.
Dear XXXXX,
If this man is your fiance, then obviousley he should be aware of how you feel about other women, and his friendships with them also. By letting these women call on a regular basis to the point of making you so mad that you could hurt them, is not being very considerate of your feelings. This in itself is not helping with your feelings of jealously at the moment, and he knows it. Of course you are going to think that something might be going on - who wouldn't. I think that I would let him know in no uncertain terms that you will not continue on in this way. At the moment it really doesn't matter if he has went out on you or not because he is making you feel that he has by the way he is acting, do you see what I mean? He is not giving you much choice but to wonder what is going on. I do believe though that if he has went out on you, you would know it by now, you would feel it in your heart in more than one way. I have been there - and you do feel that hurt deep inside, you just know. If this man loves you, then he will not want to see you hurt, and what he is doing IS hurting you. If you let this go by without even talking to him and letting him know very firmly that you do not want someone that is going to cheat, then you might as well get used to it, because this will only be the beginning for you, and a life of hurt. And thats not counting the rage you will be feeling at every woman that walks by, while he sits there content that YOU will be the one always fighting to keep HIM. Is it all worth it? I would have a nice long talk very soon, and the phone calls needless to say, would come to a hault fast.
Good luck to you dear, You are in my prayers.
Expert:  Douglas Dykstra replied 11 years ago.
Dear XXXXX,

You won't like my answer:

Run--don't walk to the nearest exit.

Love is too precious to waste, my girl!


God bless you!

DougD
Expert:  Michele Sayre replied 11 years ago.

Dear XXXXX,


Why are you putting up with this disrespectful behavior?  You deserve better.


My suggestion to you (if you really have your heart set on trying to work on this relationship is the following things:


1)  Have a talk and share your feelings.  First, tell him about all the things that he does for you (or has done for you) that helped make you fall in love with him.  Start with the positive before you talk about the negative.  Then discuss all the things that he does now that hurt your feelings and why (like--when all these women call you, I feel like I am not enough for you, that you don't love me enough, and it hurts to feel that way.)  Try not to blame, but do tell him how you feel.


2)  Set some limits (mark the boundaries of your relationship clearly).  You could can try asking him to set some limits to the calls he gets from women.  I don't what hours of the day that they are calling, but you could ask that they not call him before 10 a.m. (or have him shut his cell phone off or let the answering machine pick up) and that they shouldn't call after 10 p.m. as well.  If you two are sharing quality time together, then let the phone ring and continue the activity.  You could also ask him not to contact old girlfriends (unless you feel comfortable with their friendship).


Set some boundaries.  Tell him if he continues to do things that make you feel insecure with your relationship, then you just might have to rethink the relationship (and then mean it.  How he treats you at this point is up to you.  If you continue to put up with his behavior, then you might as well as verbally tell him to "Go for it!")


3)  Keep your resolve.  I know that you love him, and believe me, he knows it, too, and that's the part he's counting on--that you'll love him so much that you will be willing to put up with almost anything to keep him.


4)  Accept the outcome.  Realize that the choice is ultimately up to him.  If he continues to do these things, then your relationship might have more problems to it than you originally thought.  If you can't talk to each other, then maybe you should consider some counseling.  Sometimes a third party can help to two people navigate treacherous relationship waters.


5)  Move on if need be.  There's only so much bullsh*t that a person should have to take in their life.  If you finally get tired of the load he's dumping on you, then just walk away and find someone else who's more deserving of your time, energy, and love.


Ultimately, trust your instincts.  If you feel like he's cheating, then he probably is.  The question is--can you live with that behavior or not?  Only you know what you're willing to put up with or not.


Good luck!


Mic Sayre

Expert:  The Mystic Wave replied 11 years ago.

Greetings:


You are his fiance - thus, it would appear that you can simply ask him if he is cheating! Are you going to get the truth from him if he is? - well, then there's a slight problem. Right away, I see not being secure in the relationship - not trusting him - and your fiance on the other hand, is not taking your relationship seriously. How long have you been in the relationship? How well do you know him? How well does he know you? There appears to be distrust on your part along with jealousy as you state that you want to hit the girls - and more so, anger from within. 


I believe that everything happens for a reason - even though it may be tragic/disasterous and, in relationship issues, this does apply - to wake us up - to make us see "self" better - to make us appreciate the one we're with better, to see what really matters in life. No one should feel threatened in a relationship or otherwise, if one is secure with self. Perhaps this has all happened in order for you to search within yourself and come to terms with your jealousy - for if you are to be married to this man, jealousy, anger and distrust are not good aspects to bring into a marriage...for it will surely sour any love shared.


Please understand that I am not taking his side for I cannot tell you for certain if he is cheating as you have not placed a request for my professional insight in order for me to look further, however, I am simply sharing my personal opinion, for what it's worth - and it seems that perhaps your fiance doesn't get it!......not an earth shattering statement - but, simply put, if you don't tell him how you feel about this, then it just may continue, and perhaps one day you will explode..which of course, is not the most appropriate action to take. So, there are several things to do here - talk to him and let him know how you feel, ask him if he's cheating - and with all due respect, try to work on your jealousy, anger and distrust. Heal yourself first and foremost - for again, if you are truly secure within, then nothing can shake you up too much in life- Know, however, the saying "you always hurt the one you love" is true - it's not intended - but in order to get through all the issues that each and every human being does carry (no one is immune) in life, those that we feel most comfortable with, we tend to lean on them/rely upon them to help us get over it....after all, we all need someone.


I simply see your situation as a time when you need to take personal inventory of yourself and take care of certain matters so that you can enter into your marriage with happiness and love - It may seem ugly - and quite frankly it is - but, that's what happens when we don't face the truth from within.


Ask him if he is cheating - let him know how you feel about the girls calling - and search within yourself to know the real truth about him...you will know what to do after that - just be true to yourself.


My very best to you.


Please take care.


Bright Blessings.


Peace, Love & Happiness,


The Mystic Wave


 

Customer: replied 11 years ago.
Reply to TheMysticWave's Post: last night we wnt to the emergency room cause he was real sick the nurse came in and was asking him some personal information and she ask the nearest contact and he gave her hiex's name,im like who?then he realized he messed up,we got home about 2:00 am and a girl called his cell phone at 2:30 he says hes been friends with her a long time,but 2 am calls is a little bit redicilous,i cant shake these feelings i am having,i mean,i dont like it one bit ya know
Customer: replied 11 years ago.
when i tell him i love him sometimes he doesnt say it back and i know good and well he hears me,,im bout tird of that also
Customer: replied 11 years ago.
Reply to Douglas Dykstra's Post: some times i feel like doing that,i do,but i dont know ya know,just last night a girl called at 2:30 am says he been friends with her a long time but damn ya no,,how nice,lol,i made the comment to him before about girls calling and he said,,,what im not allowed to have friends,,,i really am confused,i love this man more then life and i just dont know how to take him sometimes ya no..
Expert:  The Mystic Wave replied 11 years ago.

Greetings Angie:


I'm so sorry, my heart and soul goes out to you. Is he suffering from an illness? - if so, this may explain his attitude. Of course, I'm not condoning what he is doing, how he is acting - but certainly, if one is not well, physically, then one is not thinking clearly - and, unfortunately, the ones who are close to the individual, will get caught right in the middle.


How much true love the two of you share together will play an important role in how the relationship will proceed. If the two of you are the best of friends, if you feel that you have waited for your fiance all of your life - and he feels the same, then things will be overcome....


Love is not easy and love can be truly ugly at times - Love can also be a true fairytale - but, reality is life is full of all kinds of ups and downs - not everything is a "bowl of cherries"  - it takes much work, dedication, patience, understanding, compassion, forgiveness, to form a true and lasting relationship (I'm not saying that one should have to tolerate abuse)..and also, those that have had "past lives" - if you so believe in that....well, those are the ones that find the relationship more difficult because they are bringing things over from the past - things that weren't resolved.....but, I understand if you don't believe in that...again, to each his own.


Again, I wish to share with you that life is interesting - that everything is meant for a reason - if you can't seem to get him to understand that what he's doing is hurting you, then perhaps you may need to let him know that the two of you need time apart. It helps to be strong-willed. Should the two of you separate, this will allow you more time to work on anger, jealousy and distrust....and I want you to know that I don't believe you have severe issues of same - but, there is still a need to properly manage these impulses/feelings - and begin to be whole and centered within....for as I mentioned before, when one is whole from within then nothing can shake one up.....they accept and embrace.


With all due respect, your fiance may very well be unworldly, meaning that perhaps he doesn't really understand what a real relationship is all about  - perhaps he has never experienced true love - or had anyone truly care about him...that he is just running wild.....You may also wish to find out if he wants you in his life - if he truly wants to marry you and share the rest of his life with you - however, you may also be scared to ask him those questions....but, it's better to find out now then to sit back and let life pass you by.


I believe that when one loves another - you overlook certain things - I don't believe though in cheating, disrespect or abuse in a relationship - thus, I certainly would not tolerate it....however, being that we are all individuals, we all have our own pet peeves - and especially our own level of tolerance....and views on how one wishes to live one's own life. Thus, it would help to seek within, covering all aspects, is "he" the one for you? Is he a cheater? Is he truly "in love" with you? Are you really "in love" with him? etc.


Also, I truly believe that just because one is with another, that does not give anyone the right to control/manipulate or change the other....and no one should put a rope around their partner's neck - You can't change people because this is what you may want - you need to either accept them for who they are - or say thank you for coming into your life and walk away....otherwise, staying with them will only cause heartache....but, if that is what one wishes to do then that is the path that they have chosen...for which we are all entitled to walk our own way.....Decision time for you - what do you really want? What path do you really want to be on - and with whom?


If you wish for further information, please do not hesitate to let me know.


My very best to you.


Please take care.


Bright Blessings.


Peace, Love & Happiness,


The Mystic Wave


 

Expert:  Douglas Dykstra replied 11 years ago.
Dear XXXXX,

I really hear your pain. But please, bite the bullet. Get this relationship behind you--and go for a better life. You owe it to yourself, Angie!

Bless you!

DougD


Expert:  Michele Sayre replied 11 years ago.
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