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nursehope
nursehope, Nurse (RN)
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 222
Experience:  Therapist w/ > 20 yrs. experience working w/ adults & teens w/ relationship & communication issues
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please help im stuck in a decision

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i was with this guy on and off for 15 years and i have 3 kids with him,me and him fought on a regular basis about everything..he has cheated on me a few times with a few close friends of mine and i cheated on him for revenge..i met this new gyu on the internet a year ago....we get along great,he treats me like a queen,i love him so much....well 5 months ago me and the new guy broke up cause of a few family issues on my side,,but we just got back together 3 months ago and everything is going perfectly well,were even talking about marriage..but,my kids miss there dad so much,and there dad is calling me alot telling me to come home he loves me and the kids he will try to do a 100 percent better then he has in the past,ive been with there dad for 15 yrs,,sense high school,,but this new guy im with makes me feel the way i wanna befeeling,i dont know what to do,please help...also,,when i was with my kids dad he verbal abused me on a everyday basis,,and metaly and physically every time he got mad,,this new guy talks to me very sweet and never says anything bad to me,,he always makes me feel happy,secure,safe,,and he has welcomed me into his home along with my 3 kids,,,why do i feel so guilty for not going back to my kids dad after he tells me he will change??
 I would suggest being on your own for awhile instead of rushing into another relationship.  Discover who you are and what got you into that kind of relationship.  I do not recommend going back to a man who abuses you.  It is unhealthy for you and your children.  See a therapist/ counselor and learn who you are.  Nurse Hope
nursehope, Nurse (RN)
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 222
Experience: Therapist w/ > 20 yrs. experience working w/ adults & teens w/ relationship & communication issues
nursehope and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

Dear XXXXX,


When making your decision, there's only one question that you should ask yourself--what do YOU want to do?  If you were on your own, without any kids to complicate the matter, then who would you choose?  Who makes you happy?  Who makes you feel treasured and treats you like the human being that you are?


You tried for fifteen years to make a relationship with your children's father work.  You put up with verbal and physical abuse, and, I think, you did things that maybe you wish you hadn't done (By cheating to get back at their father, you lowered your standards of what was acceptable behavior, which, I'm sure, didn't make you feel good about yourself.)


You wanted to know "Why do I feel so guilty for not going back to my kids dad after he tells me he will change??"  You feel guilty because there's a part of you that feels that you've failed at that relationship (even though there is only so much a person can put up with--or should have to put up with!).  A large part of your problems is that you love your kids and, as a parent, you naturally want to give your children most everything.  So, yes, of course, you want to give them their hearts desire (for you to get back with their father, even though, you dread the thought of doing it, let alone even thinking about it).


Don't let your children emotionally blackmail you.  Of course, they want you to get back with their father.  Most kids do--whether it's good for them or not.  As kids, they don't know what is good for them yet, and frankly, seeing their mother being verbally and physically abused is NOT good for them!  Your children begin to think that this is acceptable behavior and will one day either act out this behavior on their future mates or put up with it because they think that that's just what you do.


The beauty about kids is that they are more versatile than you might think that they are.  Most kids like positive behaviors and words in adults, whether they'll admit it or not.  Since they're wanting you to get back with their father, perhaps that is their way of telling you that they would like to see him more.  That is something you can do for them without actually getting back with the man (providing that he hasn't abused them before in the past.  Some word of advice--usually if a person abuses the mate, there is a strong possibility that they will try to abuse the kids.  Not always, but it's something to be aware of.) 


To help your kids accept your new guy, try spending a little more time with him doing fun activities with them (but only if you think this relationship might actually be going somewhere).


Considering that you have spent at least half of your life dealing with physical and verbal abuse, you should definitely try to see a counselor of some sort if you can afford it.  He/she can help you deal with any residual issues that have resulting from your 15 year relationship (and also help you identify those qualities in yourself and the children's father that kept you in that relationship for so long--and that still draw you back towards it).


As long as you aren't jumping from one man to the next every few months or years, I'd say that you might not have to give up your new beau or take some time away from him, BUT I would suggest that you try to set up some ME time for yourself (if you can afford it or can find the time).  ME time can be as simple as having a half an hour (at least) by yourself to read or take a bath or whatever makes you feel good about yourself OR it could mean going out with some gal pals once a week/two weeks/month or getting a massage or whatever.


I hope that these suggestions help.


Mic Sayre

Customer: replied 11 years ago.
Reply to MekaSair's Post: michelle,thank you for the advice,you seem to really understand,,the thing is,i live with my new boyfriend,me and all 3 of my children do.and my kids father always calls and cries and tells me im all he knows and he will change,he will do anything,but im in love with my new boyfriend,and im not actually in love with my kids father anymore.whenever i was with my kids father i had absolutely no sexual desire to be with him,i didnt want him to touch me,kiss me and i definitly didnt want to have sex with him,i dont know why that is,,my new beau is great,he is all i ever wanted in a man,i feel sorry for my ex,he has practically starved hisself sens i left him he use to weigh close to 400 pounds and now he has lost close to 200 pounds from being so depressed,i really dont know what to do,if i should give up my happiness with my new man to go back and try to make my family work with the kids father,what would you do?

Dear XXXXX,


The following are some helpful websites to help you deal with someone who is threatening suicide.  Just remember--you don't have to do all of these suggestions.  Do what is right for you:  http://www.healthyplace.com/communities/depression/related/suicide.asp


http://www.ohd.hr.state.or.us/chs/suicide/help.cfm


http://www.merck.com/mrkshared/mmanual/section15/chapter190/190a.jsp


One suggestion that I forgot to mention to you that you can do is immediately contact your ex's doctor and tell him about the suicidal threats of his (or you can go with him to the doctor for support AS A FRIEND, and stress that point).  When talking to the doctor, see if he/she has any suggestions of agencies you can contact or people that he would recommend for a counselor.


Here is a link for mental health (also substance abuse) resources in Pensacola, Florida:  http://findtreatment.samhsa.gov/ufds/detailedsearch_more?AD2=&ZIP=32501


Hope that helps!


Mic Sayre

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