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Michele Sayre
Michele Sayre, No professional title
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 52
Experience:  Writer--I study human nature to understand why people do the things they do.
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Trust issues

Customer Question

I was dating this guy for the past year. We were going
to move in together. Things were serious. I saw him
everyday from the time I got out of work till the time I
went to work. In the middle of the relationship, my ex
texted me on my cell phone that he missed me and
wanted to see or talk to me. Shaun, my current ex, went
through my cell and saw the text. He flipped
out but we worked things out. Then recently, my ex
texted me again with the same kind of message. I then
changed my cell phone number but my boyfriend didn’t
believe me and broke things off accusing me of
cheating even though I spent every waking moment
with hime. I love him dearly. What should I do? He
has it in his head that I cheated on him and I never did
or even thought of it.
Submitted: 11 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jess replied 11 years ago.
It sounds as though he is a controlling person. I am not a professional, but he still seems to be controlling you because someone who flips out when they have a suspicion that is not accurate and breaks up with you feels as though he lost control. I think that maybe you should think about what type of person you would like to be with, someone who is more dominant or not.
Expert:  Michele Sayre replied 11 years ago.

DearCustomer


As I'm sure you know very well by now, once trust has been broken in a relationship, then it's really hard to get it back.


What I'm confused about, though, is your guy's reaction.  It seems way too serious and extreme for him to overreact just because your old boyfriend text messaged you.  To me, it seems like he reacted this way for the following reasons:  1) either he really is very insecure in your relationship, which means that you two need to spend some time really being honest with each other about where you both see your relationship going in the future and the things you both might need to do to help strengthen your relationship (maybe be more honest and open with each other, praise each other more, spend more quality time together, etc.), OR 2) maybe he's trying to find an excuse to either cool down or slow down things for a while because the relationship had heated up too quickly for his mind and emotions to process it.


Basically, you'll never know how or what he's feeling until you both sit down and really talk to each other.  Tell him how you feel about him, how much you truly love him, and then ask him what he needs from you to feel secure in this relationship.  Maybe it means that TOGETHER you both go and change your cell phone number or you write a letter to your old boyfriend (one in which he can read and know what's going on) telling him to stop trying to contact you.  Frankly, he shouldn't be contacting you anyway if your old relationship with him is truly over.  (It sounds more like your old boyfriend wants to cause problems with your new relationship--and is!) 


Just remember, when making these concessions to your boyfriend, that it's not your job to give up everything.  There comes a certain point where if you've done everything humanly possible to help him feel safe and secure in your relationship and yet he still has doubts and insecurities, then you might have decide if this relationship is really worth continuing.


I don't know your guy, but if he's constantly doubting you and you really haven't given him a reason to, then maybe he's a controller, especially if you're having to make all the concessions to stay together.  If that is the case (and I'm not saying it is), then you need to decide if this is really what you want.  If it is, then God bless.  If it isn't, then just remember that there are other men out there who are more confident and secure and who are probably more emotionally ready to make you happy if you decide to give them a try.


Good luck!  I hope things work out with your current beau.


Mic Sayre

Michele Sayre, No professional title
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 52
Experience: Writer--I study human nature to understand why people do the things they do.
Michele Sayre and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 11 years ago.
i've tried to contact him and he is being very cold. He
believes that either I was talking to him on the side or
that I was cheating on him. I was with him and slept in
the same bed with him every night. I've never cheated
on him and am being accused of it. He claims to still
love me but that he is scared of staying their with the
possibility that it may happen and he will get hurt in the
end. i did change my number to prove to him that I
did'nt do anything and that I dont want him contacting
me. He said that he doesn't believe me but if I can
prove it to him than everyting would be okay. i can't
think of a way to prove it to him. I'm stuck. He asked his
friends for advice but they told him that I was being
dishonest. Typical male advice.
Expert:  Michele Sayre replied 11 years ago.

DearCustomer


I understood from your previous posting that you were obviously innocent of his groundless accusations.


If he won't let you talk to him, then there's not a lot that you can do about the situation except give him time to decide what he is willing to do or not do about your relationship.  Maybe writing him a very sincere note, expressing to him exactly how you truly feel about him might be one way to try.  Otherwise, you're just going to have to wait for him to come around.


You can prove to him how sincere you are by having him go and change your phone number together.


One thing I would address with him when you get the chance to is why the hell is he listening so much to his friends and less to you?  Who is he in a relationship with--you or them?


At least if they are going to give advice, then maybe they had better provide him with the proof to back up their claims.  If they can't, then they need to shut up and let you two get on with your lives.


My question to you is--why do you want to be with someone who doesn't respect your word or trust your integrity?  Maybe it's time to think about moving on.  There are a lot of men out there who are more secure and less likely to make you jump through the "hoops of hell" to prove that you are the decent person that you know yourself to be.


Good luck!


Mic Sayre

Customer: replied 11 years ago.
I have tried to contact him and he's been avoiding me. At times,
he will text me but he claims that he needs time and that he
wants to hang out but that he doesn't know when. He seems
very shady. I have attempted several times. We had made plans
but he has called to cancel due to different circumstances. What
should I do? I want to have a mature conversation but it's hard
when he doesn't return my calls or calls days later and seems
not ready to hang out but claims he wants to.
Customer: replied 11 years ago.
I have tried to contact him and he's been avoiding me. At times,
he will text me but he claims that he needs time and that he
wants to hang out but that he doesn't know when. He seems
very shady. I have attempted several times. We had made plans
but he has called to cancel due to different circumstances. What
should I do? I want to have a mature conversation but it's hard
when he doesn't return my calls or calls days later and seems
not ready to hang out but claims he wants to.

 


<< Simple View
Expert:  Michele Sayre replied 11 years ago.

DearCustomer


Just how important is this relationship to you?  What I got from your last posting is that this guy has pretty much made up his mind about your relationship--it seems like he's putting you off because he doesn't know how (or is reluctant) to completely end this relationship for good.


He says he wants to see you, but he can't find the time to hook up with you.  He says he needs time, and it sounds like he does.


At this point, there's nothing you can do about this situation but go on with your life.  If that means going out and meeting other people (dates or just spending time with friends--new and old), then go do it.  At least it will give you something to do besides obsessing on this impossible situation in which you now find yourself. 


Who knows?  Maybe all he does need is time to process everything and one day in the future you two might end up together.  Also, maybe while you're out living your life (instead of sitting around waiting for him to make up his mind), you'll meet someone who is better suited for you, who will trust you more than this guy has because this potential new guy has enough confidence in himself and you to believe everything that you tell him.  Everyone deserves to be trusted implicitly.


I know that all of this is hard to hear, but maybe it's what you need to hear to get on with your life.  Good luck.  Sincerely.


Mic Sayre

Expert:  The Mystic Wave replied 11 years ago.

Greetings:


I suggest that you try to contact him one way or another and let him know the exact truth - and get a direct answer from him concerning what he wishes to do about your relationship. Certainly, there's no sense in wondering. He may have been a bit apprehensive about moving into together and used this telephone incident as an excuse, but that doesn't help you. You can wait for a certain period of time to see if he will come around, but that is time taken away from your life. If you did nothing wrong, let him know, straight to the point....it is not necessary to prove anything to him....just tell him how it is!...


You do have to follow your own heart but don't let it get trampled on. I am hoping that all will work out for you.


Wishing you the very best.


Bright Blessings.


Peace, Love & Happiness,


The Mystic Wave


 

Customer: replied 11 years ago.
I finally talked to him last night. We are going to get together on
Sunday. If it works out. He promised me so. I'm nervous. He
claims that he cannot trust me because of the first text. We
talked and he said that he cannot be with someone he doesn't
trust and he is afraid of me cheating on him and giving him an
STD. He's paranoid about that. I swore up and down that
nothing happened and that he is making accusations over a text
message and with no evidence. He said that tht was all the
evidence that he needed. I don't know how to act on Sunday or
what to say. I do have some of his belongings to give back to
him. My friends told me not to see him because it will be torture
but I want to have a calm discussion face to face. What should I
do? I'm trying for at least a friendship. I haven't seen him in
weeks. It's going to be weird but I need the closure in person.
Expert:  Vickie replied 11 years ago.
Dear Natalie,
Are you sure you will be able to have a calm conversation with him knowing that he is already not believing what you are saying? Are you sure that he is not using this "text messaging" thing as an excuse to break up with you to begin with? It sounds to me like he has no reason to NOT believe you. You have been faithful to him, it is not like you lied and he caught you with someone, but this is how he is treating you. Trust has to be formost in a relationship. Without it you don't have much. Some men tend to try to use this "reverse psychology" on women to kind of throw them off track when in reality they are the ones that have something to hide. Could this be a possibility with him? I would not tear yourself up over this guy. Obviously their is something going on with him, and I'm not sure that anything you say to him is going to make much difference at the moment. I don't know that I would give him the opportunity to treat me in that way again. I would tell him once and for all that you are not a liar, and if he still doesn't believe you, then that is his problem - and go on with your life. There are tons of men out there that would be more than willing to treat you with respect and make you feel good about yourself. Why hang on to someone that makes you feel bad, frustrated, and probably doesn't even want to be there anyway? Think of YOU for a change. You deserve better than that!
Take care, I hope everything works out the way you want it to.
Expert:  Michele Sayre replied 11 years ago.

Dear Natalie8087,


It just occurred to me that there is a very good way for you to provide undeniable proof to your boyfriend that you have NOT been cheating on him with your old boyfriend.  Have you kept any of your cell phone records?  If you haven't, I'm sure that you can go to the cell phone company and order back records (for a fee, I'm sure).  You can show these bill statements to your boyfriend and prove two things:  1) that you did change your phone number because that information will show up on your bill statement (Just make sure you order several bills back until so that you have the bill with the old number on it, and the current bill with the new number on it.) AND 2) The bill statements show exactly who you have been calling on your cell phone.  He can see for himself whether your old boyfriend's number is XXXXX there or not.  [I will advice caution to you at this point.  If you did at any point call your old boyfriend, then it will show up on these bills, and then you might not want to share these statements.  Also, I'm not sure how text messaging shows up on a bill (whether it is recorded or not.  I don't have it on my cell phone myself, but that is also something that you should look for on your bill before you think about sharing it with your boyfriend).


As for meeting the guy on Sunday, I'm glad that you have that chance to talk to him.  If you're nervous about seeing him and afraid that you might forget the kinds of things that you would like to discuss with him, then take a piece of paper and write down all of the things that you'd like to discuss about your relationship together.  This will help you remember and also help you focus your thoughts.


Another thing, if your boyfriend is so afraid of catching an STD, then why don't you propose to him that you guys cool the sexual side of your relationship down for a while and try some casual dating.  This will give you both time to work on your trust issues and learn to connect with each other again emotionally, which wouldn't be a bad thing if you both hope to spend the rest of your lives together.


Also, you really need to decide for yourself how much more of this bullsh*t that you are really wanting to put up with, and I do mean bullsh*t.  I'm sorry, honey, but if this guy had put me through the kind of hell that he has put you through, then I would have tossed him to the curbside long ago. 


When it comes right down to it, you are a human being and with that status comes certain rights, one of which is the right to be considered innocent UNTIL proven guilty.  If all he has is a text message and rumors to prove his side, then he doesn't have anything.  In this day of e-mails and text messages, it doesn't take a lot of effort or thought for one person to contact another.  That doesn't mean that the recipient wants the message.  It just means that you receive it because that is the nature of the medium.


Well, that's all I can think of now to advise you.  I hope it helps, and if this relationship is really want you want and worth continuing for you, then I truly wish you luck in your endeavors!


Mic Sayre

Expert:  angela replied 11 years ago.
dont worry about it.he is blaming you for something he has done,you know as well as any body else you havent done a thing wrong.sounds to me,like he is the one who has the problem,and he just is blaming you to make him feel better.he isnt worth it,let it go now,he isnt what you want ,,,no one deserves to be controlled and blamed for others actions
Expert:  angela replied 11 years ago.
you have 5 aspects in a rtelationship,if u dont have all 5 then the relationship will not last
respect
honosty
communication
loyalty
commitment
            without these,a relationship will not work
he sounds like a controlling,lying,manipulative,arrogant,self centered ,shovinist butt hole.be glad you aint having to deal with his,you arent the one to blame,like i said,he is blaming you for something he has done,go find you someone with the 5 aspects,dont settle for less
Expert:  The Mystic Wave replied 11 years ago.

Greetings:


He is being very foolish. He refuses to acknowledge your truth. I would tell him that it is too bad that he feels that way about you and let him know, to set the record straight, in your own heart and mind, that you did not cheat. Tell him that it is his loss that he doesn't believe you - and wish him a very happy life and hope that he finds what he's looking for - then get up and walk away.


Of course, you can continue to try to convince him until you're blue in the face, and have spent all your energy - but he appears to be dead set in his thinking. All this will get you is pain, suffering, heartache and sleepless nights. If he is meant to be in your life, then perhaps one day he will wake up and see the light and apologize to you - but, in the meantime, keep your heart from being trampled on! - for you will be much happier and healthier as a result.


My very best to you, hon.


Please take care.


Bright Blessings.


Peace, Love & Happiness,


The Mystic Wave


 

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