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The Mystic Wave
The Mystic Wave, Relationship Advisor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 427
Experience:  Natural born empath, spiritualist, clairvoyant, gifted psychic. 36 yrs - offering advice & guidance
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I have been in a relationship for about 8 years and I am having a hard time deciding what to do right now. I am a 33 year old professional male and with a 37 year old female of which has a 14 year old son to one man in 1990,of whom she divorced later because according to her he was an abuser, and later after that she had a 12 year old son in 1992 which she gave away for adoption as soon as she had him and kept this a secret in her life and lied when she had him and never told the father and told the adoption agency and hospital that she did not know how to get ahold of the man and kept this a secret to where no one really knew of this but her immediate family, and immediately right after she had another child to another man in 1993 whom was her comforter during this time and she realized that they were not together for the right reasons so they never married and she had a girl whom now is 11 and I got with the 37 year old mother in 1997 and we dated and eventually in January of 2000 I put my life savings up and bought a house for all of us being her two kids(14 yr old son and 11 yr old daughter current ages) and her and I . I started to rethink things after about 6 months into living together and tried to be a mature adult and discuss not going to much further so we dont make a mistake and she ended up informing oh i forgot to tell you i stopped taking my birth control and now i’m pregnant and now even though it was an accident in which it takes two , we have a wonderful 3 1/2 year old daughter . we never married and i have moved out now in October of 2004 and got us a relationship therapist to try and salvage us but my head tells me one thing and my heart tells me another . I am confused right now as to what to do and i am not depressed but do not want to make the wrong choice because it is not only my heart that says i still love her but it is also my daughters sake as well because i do not want to go through an ugly war, but i also know that sometimes it is better to be in loving seperate households than in chaotic together household, but my friends and family all say your head is telling you the right thing and you should run because she has told me things like when my daughter was still about a year old that she thought i was having sex with her since she was red rash in her genital area due to the baby sitter not changing her as frequent and when out of town she will say maybe i should call a cop and say you hit me since you dont know anyone in this area, since i am in lawenforcement. she is what they refer to as the adult child and she hates it when i try to talk with her about this because she says that i am not qualified to psychoanalize her but her mother is an alcoholic and her deceased father from what i’ve learned whom i never met because he died in 1992 was a coke and alcohol user and the rest of her family has mental health and substance or alcohol issues. the girl i’m with though doesnt drink or use and she is good hearted but is very manipulative and verbally attacking and no matter what i do it is never right and i continue to try to please her, she is also not very considerate of others feelings and does things for her alot of times, but there are alot of positive things about her also and she just donated a kidney to her cousin . some of my insecurity has been over her calling a guy that works at a store next to hers and she claims that it is work related and i have caught her in some lies and she has called him alot and even at 1 and 2 am when i am home and she thinks i am asleep. i have had things in the relationship that i realize now that i did wrong like put up an invisible block wall to shelter my feelings as a defense when she went and sleeps on the 3rd floor now for the past 1 1/2 yr when i should have been trying because she was but i took her tone as verbally attacking and tuned her out instead so she resorted to going to the 3rd floor to sleep. the guy she has called i confronted her about and she claims she never calls much and it is over work and i heard a voicemail once that he stated whats wrong call me back i love you in june of 2004 and she tried to take the phone from me and did so i could not hear the rest and i dont know why i still want to salvage the relation and also that i am doing things that dont make sense like if i really want this to work then why am i destructive towards it by not being able to deal with her needing time to decide what she wants to do so she doesnt make a mistake either since her kids now think i am some kind of monster because she treats them like adults and has always undermined any say of me to them by if she is working and i have all the kids and I say homework, showers, and bed and by the 4th time turn the tv off and ascertively say it then they call her crying and she interogates me infront of them later and they see this and she says i know how you are and they are not your kids. she is acknowledging now through therapy some mistakes but usually redirects that everything is my fault and the therapist informed why do you try to control him you cant and she is also a tic for tac type of person whom is usually right but some times it just encites hostility and is not about being right and i sometimes just want to be relating instead, but we end up sniping at one another until it becomes out of control. the main reason i have moved out was not only for her to have time which i have not really given her much of due to my anxiousness in wanting to know what does she want to do but also because her kids have called the cops on me 2 times and they realized that there was nothing going on and left the incidents alone and it embarassed me and also made me scared in my own house now because her kids now realize that they have the power of 911 and maybe sooner or later it could destroy my career and relation. she has racked up over $20,000 debt now and it is just in her name and doesnt tell me what it is about which is her business but i am concerned for the house that sooner or later a lien will occur and that she is not open with me. so i guess one of my questions is why am i having a hard time with what to do and also why am i really wanting this to work and at the same time doing counter productive things to destroy it so if it fails then i can feel ok with me by saying i’m ok with the outcome because i had alot to do with causing this and her to feel this way to not want it. I wonder at times if i am trying so hard to make this work because deep down inside she is a good person and also maybe because unconsciencely my parents divorced when i was about 24-25 years old and they were together forever and i always felt that my dad did not try to work at it with my mom because he has nothing to say bad about her other than she was just not his best friend and soul mate but he hung in there since they were together in highschool and until i was about 24-25 years old. my dad is remarried now and i get along with his new wife well and it took some time for me to get back in contact with my father at first when they split and i have realized that my girlfriend is alot like my father in which not her history but that they are very outspoken and say what is on their minds and that it is their way or the highway and difficult people in general but overall their intentions are usually for the right reasons. my girlfriend is very confrontational and most people will just agree with her to avoid conflict and i have always thought maybe it is just me until i heard others mention things and then i said things to her and she would go and confront them and they would of course say oh i didnt say that or mean that until finally our baby sitter one day called me and said i am going to stop watching your daughter because i can never get anything right even when i do what she said it is not right and i dont feel good about myself anymore and dont know what to do. i said wow that is how she makes me feel also and we tried to confront her as adults and she bailed and this is when i realized wow i dont know why i did not see this before that when she is verbally attacking it takes away from her and when you stand up to her back then she doesnt know what to do then and chokes up , but because of how dominant she is most people back down including other men . the only person that i have noticed that she backs down to and doesnt challenge or attack is my father. others have noticed this also.
 This woman has severe personality disorder.  She has never emotionally matured.  She may have A.D.D. as well.  She needs serious long term therapy to resolve her traumatic past.  She will be unable to have a relationship until she does and then the chances are slim.  Use your head to make your decision.  Nurse Hope
Customer: replied 11 years ago.
Response to nursehope's Post: I know that they say that i am a do gooder and an acts of service kind of guy.
so why do i still have my heart saying otherwise, I dont just think it is because of my daughter. I know that i will not be heart broken which seems strange and my head is very clear. I have already filed for custody and informed the attorney to wait until after the holidays because i dont have the heart to do this around christmas and i have asked my dad since when he divorced my mother he loaded up when she was at work and stuff as to how he felt then and he stated he continued to put it off all the time due to holidays and birthdays and this event and that event but you just have to do it and will have some guilt he said, and i have had a truck rented on a couple occassions and wanted to get my things and leave totally and then start the legal process which wont be to hard since we are not married, but i have canceled the rental each time and friends to help load up twice now and they all say if you dont she is going to get you in the end.
we only have the house to deal with since i let her sign the deed when i bought it and either i will have it in the end since she can not afford it or we will sell it or fight over a pay off to her, and a vehicle which is in both names since she could not get one herself which will be a no brainer . take my name off and she needs to get a loan solely for it , and our daughter in which i want shared custody because i dont think it is right to keep her from her mother and her side of the family inspite of her families issues , but she doesnt agree with this and said she needs to stay with her in her place where ever she ends up, but i would be the most secure and stable and we both love her but she is already making her a pawn by saying mommy loves you the most or more but is not around as much as i am and i think she does these things due to guilt. 1. why do i want this to work, does my loving heart think that we can fix this even though it is her that has to change because i cant change her and i am recognizing things i have to change about me as well through all of this.   2. why am i also being counter productive like doing things that push her further away like saying mean and nasty things which some of are true; so if in the end it doesnt work I feel good about myself in saying oh well i'm ok with it in the end because i helped cause alot of it.   how is this logical, if i want it to work then i should be doing things that are productive instead like giving her her space and time to think things through and not being anxious or confronting and looking back on her past and affairs of her ex's and saying things like a leopard doesnt change its spots you whore. this isnt right either, but after awhile of my buttons being pushed it comes out. 3. why am i having a hard time with what to do and kind of feel guilty. 4. am i trying so hard due to my parents divorce for some reason or another possibly .

Greetings:


Many times we get involved with others to help us resolve issues from our past. You indicate that your wife appears to be like your father  -and you state that it took some time to get back in contact with your father....thus, through your wife, you are indirectly working things out with your father.....but, this is just one theory!


Your wife is dealing with many issues - perhaps giving her time and space, as well as for yourself, would be a practical approach to take....


One question you have is "Why are you having a hard time of what to do?"......that is simple..it appears that you care for her and you have a daughter together - you are a responsible person...who has feelings, compassion and love...any other man would have walked out the door, not to mention any woman dealing with a husband carrying on like this....they would be out in a heartbeat....


Your other question was "Why do you really want it to work out?..... again, simple....because you indicate that you love her...so, your head says one things, and your heart says another...(conflicting)....but, honestly, we are all like that since we're all human!


Just because someone has personal issues and doesn't appear to be like so-called other "normal" people in society - doesn't mean that they are worthless and shouldn't be dealt with, cared for or loved...and who has claims to being truly normal anyway? No one on the face of the earth is perfect...we all have issues - all to various degrees - each and every one of us...(6 billion plus people on this planet)..anyone who says otherwise is in denial.......Certainly, you take your marriage vows seriously...and one of them is to "Love and Honor in sickness and in health"....well - I believe that is what you are doing...Yes, your wife appears to need some help, only because she is creating separation between the two of you...and she is doing and saying things to hurt you - It's so very interesting how so many people (who appear to be of the "norm") like to pick at the negative things about others and not the good... you on the other hand, are looking at good about her....I'm sure you are aware that your wife must be hurting more, deep down inside.


Personally, I would give her some time, time to think things through....and you, as well....hopefully, being that you say you love her - in time, things will work itself out...Perhaps you may need to seek counseling..Knowingly, Love is stronger than anything on the face of the earth...and if there's a will there's a way....Decide if you want to be with her for the rest of your life...I will send good thoughts your way that things work out to your satisfaction.


My very best to you, your wife, daughter and step children.


Bright Blessings.


Peace, Love & Happiness,


The Mystic Wave

Greetings:


It appears that I inadvertently mentioned that you are married... and taking your wedding vows seriously......my apologies...but, I still stand by my response above..


Bright Blessings.


Peace, Love & Happiness,


The Mystic Wave

Customer: replied 11 years ago.
well i was reading a reply from someone else and sending a further reply. I see that you took the time to read my questions alittle more so than the other respondant because I know i am all over the place with my wording and questions right now, but I know i cant change her and she has to change and i think my loving heart says we can fix this. I am recognizing things i have to change about me as well through all of this. another issue is that i am the one being counter productive in which it is me that is pushing her further apart like saying mean and nasty things which some are true and some are heat of the moment because i am hurting inside from all of this. and she doesnt get my invisible block wall defense which i realize is wrong now and that i need to try but i think i have caused alot of damage now and she may have been seeking out the attention of others then by talking with quote unquote guy friends at 1 and 2 am with over 100 calls in time and getting the attention that i was not giving her. of the mean and nasty things i have said in being counter productive which i do not understand because if i want this to work then why am i helping to destroy it by being this way; other than i know that if in the end it doesnt work i end up feeling ok with myself then because i can say oh well i'm ok with this because i caused alot of the relation to go bad. how is this logical, it isnt , and if i want it to work then i should be doing things that are productive instead like giving her space adn time to think things through and not be anxious or confronting and looking back on her past and affairs of her ex's and saying things like a leopard doesnt change its spots you whore. this isnt right either, but after awhile of my buttons being pushed it comes out. I feel guilty about getting a truck rented and i am going to get eveything out of the house that is mine until she leaves but i have canceled the truck twice now and cant do it on the holidays. am i trying so hard due to my parents divorce for some reason possibly. because all my friends and family say run. but for what ever reason i cant but in the mean time i am hurting her further inside i think, but i dont want to get burned either because i also think that she stays at the house because i left and still pay the bills and she has $20,000+ creditors after her and cant make ends meet now to get a place unless she goes to her families. so this is a matter of convenience for now until she can make a move. i have told my attorney to not put the custody papers that are done and paid for through because i dont have the heart yet to do this but i am scared that i am actually the one burning the bridge at the same time while she needs long term help also. thank you . I just saw a psychic and i first saw her in 1992 then a little while after and then in 1998 and now just this past month.

Greetings:


I have responded to you (above) but inadvertently mentioned that you were married - I apologized...I would like to respond further to your new post but do not wish to do so until I know for certain as I do not wish to intrude should you be addressing this to the other expert (NurseHope).


Please let me know. Thank you.


Bright Blessings.


Peace, Love & Happiness,


The Mystic Wave

Customer: replied 11 years ago.
I'm new to this and did not realize that everyone can read this all and should not have been so judgemental of her response because she may be right, but I also thought that she did not take the time to read it and address some of my questions as you did. which was also in a caring way but sometimes you need both perspectives as well and maybe i am being a dreamer of the fantasy love that works out happily ever after in the end despite all the bad times that there have been lately and maybe the writing is clearly on the walls, but you are the one responding to me for now and I am probably going to wait for one more response from you for today and call it a night because it is 11:34 pm on the east coast and my friend wants me to go to the ymca in the morning with him since i canceled the uhaul for tomarrow. and i know that now that i'm down to 178lbs i need to tone up a bit and be healthy. so no i dont think that you are intruding and i think that you are thoughtful and i havent responded other than my one response to nursehope. besides with your legal secretary background we have alot in common with my lawenforcement background, but i am trying to finish 12 more credits to get my 3rd degree which would be in piloting so i can become a number and a traveling paycheck instead although i do like what i do you need to go to your next goal in life sometimes and there is no more challenge in what i do although it is interesting daily.

GreetingsCustomer


I thank you very much for your very kind comments - it's deeply appreciated.


I have quite a bit to say. In answer to your questions - "Are you trying so hard due to your parent's divorce?" - of course it's possible - but certainly you would be the one to know if this is so.. Your friends are saying to run...well, quite honestly, it's easy for others to talk...and what happens if you take their advice...and years from now you look back and wish you hadn't?....where will those friends be years from now? Will they still be standing by your side? Will they support you when you're down and out, missing her??? Fact is, you are the one in the relationship with her - no one else..thus, no one else can decide for you...but you! 


Where do you see yourself a year from now - or two years from now without her? What do you really want? Of course you can't change her - but I can see that it is not really her that you want to change...it is only her certain actions that you want changed...Relationships aren't easy and they can either make you or break you...and even the ones we truly love with all our hearts and souls can hurt you so bad til you feel like you just want to die....but yet we can't break free....only because it's our destiny...it's the path that we have chosen to take for real lessons to be learned...and the partner that we have chosen to be with for life.  I'm not saying that one needs to remain with an abuser - but the saying goes "you always hurt the one you love"...that is for real...and yet, that is not a matter that one needs to see a shrink about..for only if one is willing to work things out - to share communication....it's simple really to mend a relationship. However, not everyone has the communication skills in which to do so...thus, one may wish to seek professional counseling.


I was separated from my husband for 2 years - he left out of the blue (before we were married)- it was quite a learning experience...during that time, we both went on our own spiritual journey...soul searching mostly for him...and I became a book worm...studying everything and anything in sight...gaining more knowledge..When he returned, for which I welcomed him back without hesitation, we teamed up concerning our knowledge - of those 2 years apart - and we are so much stronger now - and we are so very enlightened - reaching out to others to help. I believe that everything happens for a reason - encountering people in our lives for a reason - as long as one can be civil to another, show respect and not back stab, we have the opportunity to learn from them..or to teach them....thus, there should be no reason to walk away from them...however, if one feels that it is time to move on for their own spiritual progress, then one should say thank you for coming into one's life...and simply take another path for more adventures/experiences.....and this is what you may wish to think about concerning your girlfriend. It's not difficult to walk away if you don't care for her...it's not difficult to walk away if you don't love her....but, if you do - yet things are not right between the two of you at this time....then time and space apart is something to consider......time to truly go within and ask yourself how you truly feel about her.....She can be healed - for no one is a lost cause...only too many lost souls....that desparately need their spirit lifted by one willing to offer unconditional love and compassion.


I am interested in knowing what you meant about going to a "psychic"...


If you have any further questions, please do not hesitate to contact me.


Bright Blessings.


Peace, Love & Happiness,


The Mystic Wave

   
The Mystic Wave, Relationship Advisor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 427
Experience: Natural born empath, spiritualist, clairvoyant, gifted psychic. 36 yrs - offering advice & guidance
The Mystic Wave and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 11 years ago.
thank you for now , i'm going to hit the sack for tonight.
Customer: replied 11 years ago.
are you out there mystic or are you sleeping now?

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