JustAnswer
>
Health
Ask A Question
|
Register
|
Login
|
Help
Health
Ask a Health Question, Get an Answer ASAP!
Have your own Health question?
16 Doctors and Nurses are Online Now
characters left:
Not a Health Question?
Related Health Topics:
Age
,
Boy
,
Bbc
,
Car
,
Cat
,
Cut
,
Eye
,
Few
,
Ill
,
Kid
Question
My little boy just turned 4 last month. He is smart, sweet and usually very kind. I also have a new baby that's now 7 months old. My 4 year old shows him so much love and affection, but every once in awhile will say the most unbelievable awful things about him, things I'm really too embarrassed to tell anyone about. He said he wanted to put him in the woodstove one time. He also said more recently that he was going to cut one of the babies hands off. He's probably said this type of thing three or four times since the baby's been born. I get physically sick thinking about this, and really don't know how he can think of these things. We have never even once let him watch anything violent on TV, have no toy guns, ninja turtles in the home, or anything even remotely violent. A couple of times a year he sees cousins that live out of town, and they are all into those kinds of things, but we monitor him closely and don't let him play like that. He is so unbelievable smart, and we have been very careful to show him attention. We homeschool him and he already is reading, doing math, and can speak some Spanish and sign language. We try to give him creative things to do, and pay attention to him round the clock. He goes to the park and plays with other children, so maybe he's hearing stuff like that from them. He also seems to be more aware of the reaction he gets after mentioning things like a cat being run over by a car. Is any or all of this normal for a 4 year old. Should we be worried that there is something dreadfully wrong with our precious boy? We have such a calm loving home life, I can't believe he says things like this. My husband and I have been married 17 years, and love our boys so much. Everyone can see that. We have both tried to create a warm, loving and structured home that our children can learn and thrive in. He can say the sweetest things you've ever heard to the baby, too. Then he'll turn around and pretend to hit or kick at the baby. That seems more normal to me than the horrific things he has said. Please help me. I'm losing sleep over this.
Submitted: 859 days and 23 hours ago.
Category: Health
Value: $9
Status: CLOSED
+
Read More
Optional Information
Optional Information:
Female, Age: 41, Oregon
Accepted Answer
Dear Angela,
I am touched by your concern and efforts to create a hormonious atmosphere at home. Kudos to you for that.
Some amount of sibling rivalry is natural and can't be avoided. It is commendable to see your efforts to remove violence from your elder son's surroundings. But despite all of that certain things have to be taken in consideration.
Firstly, he is only 4 years old and still a child. Inspite of all attention that you give him, he sees his younger brother as an intruder who has taken away a share of all the love and attention that he solely deserved. He needs to vent out his frustration too which would build up even if there was no external factor like TV or violent toys. It is through his words or pretensions that he's been giving vent to his frustrations.
The act of pretending to kick or hit the baby may be done playfully by him just as he would do to any other kid not because he intends to harm the baby.
Most of the times he is in his best behaviour showering love and affection on his younger brother.
Secondly, if your elder son had a problem he'd show other symptoms like throwing tantrums often, wetting bed at night or other acts of drawing attention on to himself. Also he'd do things to injure the baby like pinching or physically harming the baby when no one was around.
This situation would have been really bad and would need intervention.
I'd advise you to not get worked up but at the same time do keep an eye when both of them are around.
Here are a few links which have tricks to deal with sibling rivalry-
http://www.parallaxweb.com/parenting/sibriv.html
http://familyfun.go.com/parenting/child/health/childhealth/dony89enc_sib/
Also here's some interesting information from
bbc.co.uk parenting
-
The age gap between children is thought to have an effect on the strength of sibling rivalry. It's been found that a two- to four-year gap often produces the worst jealousy, while there seems to be less of a problem if the gap's larger (more than five years) or smaller (less than 18 months).
With some more time, your son will be better off handling this emotion and accepting his brother as a part of his life. However, if he frequently shows aggressive behaviour despite all your efforts to the extent of actually harming the baby, you'd need help from a pediatrician.
Hope this was useful and you are welcome to ask doubts if any. If not, please click on accept so that I am paid for my time and efforts.
Expert:
haloprecious
Pos. Feedback:
97.9 %
Accepts:
Answered:
7/17/2007
Doctor (MD)
graduate in Medicine,experienced in fields of medicine,gynae and pediatrics
859 days and 14 hours ago.
Reply
Reply to haloprecious's Post: Thank you for your answer. Just to clarify, my 4 year old does still wet the bed at night occasionally, but has been kind of slow to completely potty train. We have just recently mastered that, finally! Does this signal to you any additional concern. He also does throw tantrums occasionally. I thought most children this age do this, though. I was a little unclear about this portion of the answer. Thank you.
Edited by XXXXXX XXXX on 7/17/2007 at 11:21 AM
Posted by
haloprecious
858 days and 23 hours ago.
Answer
Hello again Angela,
I understand your anxiety being a mother myself. An occasional bed wetting episode or throwing tantrums occasionally is normal. A 4 year old child would do that even if he was a single child. An occasional bedwetting episode would be considered normal in children till the age of 6. It would be considered a problem if this occurred frequently like 2-3 episodes in a week or in case of throwing tantrums, these would have been a regular feature like say occurring on every other day.
The important thing here is despite the things that he says or pretends to do, he has
never
harmed the baby. That shows that he isn't overtly jealous or hates the baby and doesn't mean what he says or pretends to do. Again here a playful slap wouldn't mean as harm to the baby but a sharp blow or pinching (which makes the baby cry) would. Don't intervene when he interacts playfully with the baby which the younger one also enjoys. This would be their idea of bonding.
Also considering that your elder child is smart, he would have harmed the baby already instead of just saying if there was too much resentment. Speaking ill about the baby 3-4 times over a span of 7 months wouldn't be considered as aggressive behaviour in my opinion.
As I said earlier, there would have been a problem if he was continually aggressive and actually harmed the baby. But this isn't the case. I would ask you to continue being patient with him ( which I believe you've already been doing), also relax and relish the joy of being mother to your kids. Do keep an eye but don't lose your sleep.
Hope this was helpful. Thanks.
858 days and 23 hours ago.
Reply
Reply to haloprecious's Post: Thank you again. I'll try not to ask anymore questions after this one. He does wet the bed probably a couple of times a week. The same goes for throwing a little tantrum. Is this something I should be concerned about. It seems to me that he was just slow getting fully potty trained. We've stopped with the pull-ups and gone to cloth underwear except for bed now. He's very high strung, and also seems to need an amazing amount of attention. He's been thru a lot for the past nine months with me having some pretty major health issues (Bell's Palsy during labor) and I was also hospitalized for a few days with a torn internal muscle before the baby was born. We had to live with my parents for a month, which put a lot of strain on my then 3 year old. (Too many bosses!) Anyway, wanted to give you more background and see if these two issues needed my attention more. Thanks again. Hoping to hear from you soon!
Angie
Posted by
haloprecious
858 days and 23 hours ago.
Answer
Hello there,
Its my pleasure to answer your questions so don't feel guilty about it.
Again for someone who has been on pullups until now I wouldn't think bedwetting several times a week should be considered abnormal. He needs time with this. This can take from a few months to even one year. Consider this as normal since till now this was a spontaneous act and he didn't have to exercise his bladder really.
Considering all the troubles, that you and your family have gone through, the child is likely to get high strung and hence tantrums. With your problems, you may not have been able to attend to his needs as closely as earlier and too many changes (you being away and then a new addition and everybody expecting him to be more accomodating) must have ruffled him a lot.
Again I'd say, if he hasn't actually harmed his younger brother, don't get too worked up about it. But yes, he does need a lot of attention now. These changes can be unsettling enough even for an adult and this is a 4 year old boy we are talking about.
Do seek help if he harms the baby
but as of now all he needs is a lot of love from you especially. Involve him in activities concerning the baby. The insecurities he has stem from the fact that he wasn't getting enough attention from the main caregiver which is you. With adequate attention and assurances, he'll get over it surely.
Sorry for not participating in chat because of the erratic power supply that we have here which causes the net connection to break off. Hope this was useful. Thanks.
Edited by haloprecious on 7/18/2007 at 3:29 AM
+
Read More
Related Health Questions
my lips are red and around them too. they are ...
Please explain where I can find articles on Proctalgia ...
About four months ago, I took a trip out of the
what could be the cause of bright red vaginal bleeding, ...
Where can I find a product called "Lotion Florale ...
where can I find cpt codes
Pain in my upper left leg, around the joint area. It is
Nobody could answer my last question but that's ok. I ...