I have committed myself to raising my child alone and had promised

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I have committed myself to raising my child alone and had promised myself not to engage in any relationships until my child is ready for college. But recently I met this coworker who made my heart feel heavy the very first time I saw him. I am now thinking about this man day and night; thoughts of him dominate my days; I have lost my appettite and feel guilty, sad, and ashamed of this new attraction that is overpowering me. How can I get myself out of this?

Customer (name blocked for privacy)

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Myrland,

Thank you for your question and welcome to Just Answer.

I can sympathize with your situation very much. I was a single parent and had resigned myself to dedicating my time to my son. It was "just the two of us" and I was determined to stay focused only on that. I already felt bad that I had brought him into the world for him to be raised in a single parent environment, so I felt I owed it to him.

Then came a Super Bowl party. This girl caught my eye and I HAD to talk to her. Long story short, we're married and very happy.

It sounds like your situation is very similar. Don't feel bad! I am such a better dad today then I was back then, because I'm happy. My son also has a fantastic new role model and we're making a nice home for him.

I don't know if it will work out with the guy from your work. But you owe it to yourself to find out. There is no need to suffer unnecessarily when I'm sure your child wants you to be happy. Don't introduce your child to him at first, because if things don't work out you don't want to bring people in and out of your life.

Really, I do hope that you will start dating if you've found yourself someone that makes you happy. Many people go through life without every feeling "it" for someone and you've been given a great chance. You can date and be a good parent, you'll just have to be creative. If you need some tips then let me know, I went through all of it. Images available only to Customers.

Regards,

Ryan

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Reply to Ryan's Post: Ryan, Thank you for your answer but the problem is I DO NOT WANT A RELATIONSHIP. The feelings I have are "against myself". I want the feelings to stop. (By the way, I am not friends w/this person, we are simply co-workers)

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Hi Customer (name blocked for privacy). Thank you for asking your question on Just Answer. The other experts and I are working on your answer. By the way, it would help us to know:

Do you attend a church?

Are you religious and if so what faith?

How long have you had these feelings for your fellow worker?

How old is your child?

May I ask why you have made the commitment to raise your child alone and not have any relationships until your child is ready for college?

Please tell us of any information, you may believe helpful, to allow us to suggest the answer for your problem.

Thank you again for trusting us with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that we can finish answering your question.

Reply to John Baker's Post: Hi John,

I am Catholic by faith but I don't go to a church right now. I have been having these feelings for a week. They actually started since the first day I met him which was last Monday. My child is a 5-year old girl.

I have been twice divorced in my life. My last marriage ended four months ago. My little girl was having a real hard time adjusting. She loves her Dad very much.

I want to raise her alone because I know that I am not good with relationships and I do not need to have her exposed to any more of my break ups. Before my last marriage ended, my ex often threatened to stop being involved in my child's life and I have had to beg him to not go away. I would do anything to keep him involved in her life including not allowing myself to be involved with someone - which could set my ex off. If he is not around, my little girl's heart would be broken and I can't afford that.

In addition, my gut feeling tells me that this guy would be wrong for me. I don't know anything about him except what he's called at work. He gives me vibes of the same kind of guys that have broken my heart in the past.

I would not mind the feelings that I have about him except that they hurt; they physically hurt -in addition to the guilt and shame I experience. It's almost like I am under some spell. I hate to be so out of control. I wish there were some sort of key that could allow me to turn myself off about him. Help!!

Thank you very much for your answers.

They will help me greatly, providing you information, how to lessen or stop the feelings that seem to dominate your thoughts.

As you know, your daughter's father is being irrational and just plain mean with his demands.

I praise you for wanting to put your daughters wellbeing first.

Is your daughter's Father staying involved in her life.?

Is he a good role model for your daughter?

Have you talked to a priest? Often they can be very helpful with problems such as yours.

I know you want what is best for your little girl.

My daughter is just 3 years older than yours. I know how attached and how her feelings are very strong about many things.

Please answer the few questions above and I will respond soon after I get your responses.

Click the (Here) link below, for some information that may be close to your situation.

Here is a very good article that may help, while I am waiting for your reply.

If my answer is acceptable please click the (green) accept button.

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Reply to John Baker's Post: Yes, her father is involved in her life. He is a good role model for her.

I have not talked to a priest as I do not go to church anymore.

I am glad you to hear that your ex is a good role model and is still involved in her life. I was getting to feel he was controlling and mean.

I know that it is hard to feel good about yourself, when you feel that your life is out of control. I wish there was a button you could push to stop the feelings. It is normal to feel attracted to someone, but when it starts disrupting your life, it becomes a problem, that should be controlled, as I am sure you know. The constant thinking about him could be related to the satisfaction you having with life. You may not want try to stop thinking about him completely at first. What may be done is to find about 30 minutes a day to think of nothing but him. At all other times of the day, acknowledging to yourself that you may want to, but put it off until your designated time. In this way you can have your fantasy, but still accomplish what you need to do with a minimum of distraction. Lessen the time you spend thinking of him by five minutes each week. After 6 weeks have past you may find you no longer want this time at all. It may take less time that this.

It is important to realize that you can gain control over when or if you think about him at all.

Another thing that will help is to find other things in your life to think about and spend time doing such as exercise, hobby, volunteer work, doing things with your daughter, friends, family and such. A religious, or civic organization or just going to church may be the answer.

With the help of Jesus anything is possible. Pray and ask him to help and guide you.

I hope that these ideas can help you get past this problem. If these do not seem to be helping, I would suggest contacting a counselor or priest, to help you get past these obsessive thoughts. While you may feel ashamed or guilty remember, it is very easy for someone to lose themselves in a fantasy. It is also very important to stop punishing yourself and appreciate the good things in your life. The better you feel about your life, the less the fantasy will control you.

You are a good mother, you daughter is and should be important, but if you cannot be happy and fulfilled, you daughter will notice. It is very important that your life be complete. You may need help in fulfilling these goals. Keep you chin up! You are a very good person and mother. Don't let pass experiences get you down. Think positive thoughts and try to find something to look forward to every day. You daughter is growing up fast and you are very luck you have her in your life. I will include you and your daughter in my prayers. Prayers do work. I don't go to church as often as I should, but I try to pray, at least once a day and thank Jesus for what I have. Prayer may be a good substitute for your thoughts, that you wish would go away.

If I can answer and other questions please ask.

John

Edited by #1 Expert on July 2 2006 at 5:39 PM

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