Question

Its taken me a long time to come to terms with writing this story ... anyway here goes: My relationship of 17 + months seems so perfect ... apart from some nagging issues, which appear to be only coming from me!? I am the one who initiates discussions around our future together, such as marriage, other financial plans, and projects ... This be as a result of my boyfriend "living for today" (as he lost his childhood sweetheart and soul mate to a terminal illness six years ago; I can only imagine what he went through)? I often wonder about why a man of his age has given away all of his finances to the children, and has left himself with nothing (not even a home to live in) ... Could this be because he is such a selfless person (he is very supportive and family orientated)? Perhaps his soul mate's wishes were for him to "look after the children". Perhaps he felt that he would never re-marry and that because he helped his children to buy their own homes, he would always have a place to stay!? My boyfriend also has a commitment to his son, to help look after his grandchild. I actually like this aspect about him. However, this commitment could go on for another year or more, while he is needed to "fetch and carry" from play school. Perhaps this makes him hesitant to initiate the kind of discussions that I always seem to initiate, because he is focussing on "today". I know that it is in my nature to plan for the future. The fact that he has no money, could be another reason for him not wanting to initiate discussions around our future or finances? I have asked him this, and he has agreed that this is the case, and that he "regrets having made stupid decisions" before finding me. Once I have opened the discussion, my boyfriend does enter into the spirit of things, to a degree .... I keep feeling that we would not discuss any plans or our future, if it was not for me. He also says that he cannot get involved in my financial plans, because it is not his place to do so, as he cannot contribute financially. Sometimes I think that, as we have such a beautiful relationship (he phones me everyday, is so loving and supportive, communicates well, does not seem to hide things or have a hidden agenda, and is very helpful and handy), that I could be over reacting from past hurts, and therefore am now looking for issues!? In my previous marriage (of 30 years duration), my then husband turned the tables on me, and eventually started treating me as though he had become successful all on his own; that I was a "non contributor". The last thing that I would want to happen, is to treat anyone the way I was treated (especially finances). So the past comes up and clearly is part of my conditioning ... The other thing that I am battling with, is tolerance or underlying anger and sarcasm. On more than a few occasions, my boyfriend (now fiancé ... still feel that, had I not broached the subject in a round about manner, I may not be wearing his ring!?), has snapped at me or said something sarcastic, usually whilst we were working on a project together. This hurts, as I am a very tolerant person. I did let him know how I felt (as I do not want to do what I did in the past, by going into my shell and storing things up). As a result, he is more mindful now, or maybe controlled!? A few past relationships have shown me that certain men (that I had to move away from), were intolerant, angry and pretty scary people. My fiancé is a good man, and seems to have excellent values. He says that I have encouraged him to be open and honest, and that he opens up more with me than he ever did. Another thing, early in our relationship, we went to one of my girlfriends for dinner ... when he saw her (with some of her friends on the sidewalk), he went off the road and climbed the sidewalk with the car (don't laugh!). I thought about this and wondered what was going through his head ... he is such a careful driver!? Was there something to worry about? The other night my fiancé went to a presentation (no partner invited!?), and when he came back (early, around 9 pm), he smelled so heavily of deodorant or perfume. When I asked him what he was wearing because it smelled rather strong, he said that he had bought a new deodorant; the smell lasted all night! He never questions me about my past and I try not to delve into his. My fiancé now spends four days at my home and three days at his son home. He seems to want to be with me all the time, except for his commitment days. He is very focussed when we are together, and things are really very good, apart from these niggling things that I am sharing. When I stayed over at his son's one night, I noticed that my fiancé keeps Olay sunscreen in the bathroom cupboard (is this for men too!?), as well as his deceased wife's hair brush in the drawer, and now he has some pink Swarkzskof shampoo and conditioner in the bathroom along side his anti-dandruff shampoo and conditioner ... what am I thinking??? He keeps photos of his deceased wife, along with their wedding photos, on his bedroom dressing table. On a few occasions his grandson has come into the room, picked up the album from the dresser, and pointed out all the pictures of only his "nana" (as if pointing to a particular cartoon character in a picture book). I could understand my fiancé pointing out "his nana", to his grandson, However, his grandson was not born when "nana" died, so I think that my fiancé is still carrying deep grief for her parting. When I mentioned that he must still be grieving from his wife's parting, he put our photograph in the front of this album. He also said that his son must have told his grandson about his nana. So he is very sensitive and seems to want to do the right thing ... (the wedding photos are still in the album though ... hmmmmmm). Maybe this is "nothing"!? My fiancé always seems to have a plausible answer to my queries, which makes me feel that I am being sceptical, sensitive and perhaps over-reacting ... these feelings do not go away. The past could have a lot to do with how I view life today ... In my past I have been lied to, deceived, and cheated on. I want better for my life this time around, yet I want to be reasonable and objective. I find myself wanting to keep things good, yet feel that maybe I am overlooking some important issues!? I do not share this with my girlfriends; most of them have greater problems of their own. Rather I am sharing this with you, in the hopes that I can come to terms with my feelings and fears. A part of me feels that there should be "nothing to worry about". These feelings that come up every now and again in our relationship, are mildly similar to those that came up during my 30 year marriage ... and I have since found out that those very feelings and concerns that I used to have in the past, were very accurate (people, and family members have confirmed many!) We do have such a good relationship, yet a part of me feels that I am looking for flaws, secretly wanting to sabotage this relationship, and another part of me feels that because I am so in love, I am not seeing things clearly!? And I feel like a traitor to be writing this, yet feel the need to do this ... Kind regards