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Hello, I was called by my son's teacher today to discuss an upcoming meeting about his progress in school. He has some trouble learning. The teacher also took the time to tell me that she was concerned because my son was telling his classmates that his name was Tony because he is a girl. His name can be both boy or girl name. I proceeded to ask the teacher if he was joking, to which she told me that she asked him the same thing and he replied "No". She said that she told him that that was not a way to get attention if that was what he was doing. At home he does tend to act or at least have some feminine tendencies but at the same time he is rough when playing. But he is awkward, and sort of out of place with other kids. I have two other boys that are like alpha boys.....so I don't understand!! I have googled on the topic and have come up with some places that I can send him that might be able to "reprogram him so to speak. Don't get me wrong, I love my son.....but I am heartbroken.

Submitted: 27 days and 9 hours ago.

Category: Mental Health

Value: $15

Status: CLOSED

Posted by Dr.Keane 27 days and 9 hours ago.

Info Request

Hi. I'll be glad to help but need some information How old is your son? Has he ever been tested for learning disabilities? Is he teased by his older brothers?

27 days and 9 hours ago.

Reply

Hi Dr. Keane, Tony is my middle child. He is 7. Sometimes he is teased by his older brother and younger brother for liking "girl" things. I went to a meet the teacher at his school recently and was reading about things he likes and his favorite color was "pink" he wrote. He is a little nervous around me though I must admit because he knows I get upset about things like that. I often tell him to act like a boy or change his voice, or toughen up. I know that its not right, but I think about how the street kids treat him and it breaks my heart!

27 days and 9 hours ago.

Reply

Hi Dr. Keane, He is my middle child. He is 7. Sometimes he is teased by his older brother and younger brother for liking "girl" things. I went to a meet the teacher at his school recently and was reading about things he likes and his favorite color was "pink" he wrote. He is a little nervous around me though I must admit because he knows I get upset about things like that. I often tell him to act like a boy or change his voice, or toughen up. I know that its not right, but I think about how the street kids treat him and it breaks my heart!

Posted by Dr.Keane 27 days and 9 hours ago.

Answer

Hi Kids who like feminine "things" are not necessarily going to grow up to be gay. His sexuality right now is he's a "kid" and some kids have traits of both sexes...it really isn't there yet. Lots of male children play with dolls, like pink etc. and most grow up to be real men. If it's attention getting behavior the best way to find out is to stop reacting to it. Don't tell him to change his voice, toughen up etc...don't mention anything that would refer to his feminine behavior and don't overdo it when it's masculine behavior. If no one reacts, after awhile he'll stop. AND if it he remains this way and does turn out to be gay you can't reprogram him and have him be a healthy happy person. He would need to be accepted for who he is. The damage for not accepting him would be worse. You don't have to like it, but your do have to accept it. But that is so far in the future right now I would be more concerned about his learning issues, possible ADHD (some of his behaviors seem impulsive and attention getting). If he is having problems learning I would ask the school to do an educational evaluation to see what's going on. Put it in writing so it's on the record. Ask the teacher to ignore his behavior when it's about his name being a girls etc. Just know that lots of boys have female tendencies, sometimes due to their gawky bodies and the plain fact that they are kids!!! If you are the mom (I am assuming that you are) he may be imitating you....that's what kids do and boy look at how the family reacts...not the best way to get attention but he's getting it!!! If he knows you get upset about it he may act that way to get a reaction. Middle kids seems to get left out or are just there, especially when the all the kids are the same sex. If he was a girl he would be getting more attention since he would be "different" than his brothers. Ask your other sons to stop teasing him, ignore the behavior. If he brings it up and you can't ignore what he is saying, just validate that you hear him, let him know you are listening but don't try and change who he is or tell him it's wrong. You can google and find more information on how common this is (I think there should be lots of info out there) as well as look at some information on kids with learning issues and/or ADHD. Hope this helps. Please click ACCEPT and leave FEEDBACK when you are satisfied.

27 days and 9 hours ago.

Reply

I understand. My last question regarding this is that I was told to get him evaluated for a personality test or disorder. Would you recommend that? If so, how do I go about getting it done? We live on Long Island in NY.

Accepted Answer

I am not sure who suggested that but what you might want to do is find a psychiatrist to do a full evaluation , cover all bases and/or a psychologist who administers psycho-evals as well as "personality" tests although I question the what for on that, he's a kid !!!!.....meeting with a psychologist would be a better idea (we give these tests every now in then in therapy if needed). I'd check for ADHD and learning disabilities before I'd worry about anything else (school can do that if you can convince them there is a problem, not the ADHD but the learning issues)...I would call your local hospital, or since you live on the island, call Stony Brook and ask for their psychiatry dept and talk to the people there, the staff usually has a good grip on who works best with what population and get a recommendation from them or if you are in Nassau you can call NY, Cornell Medical Center is a good place to start. If you have friends whose kids see psychologists that's very helpful so ask them. Hope this helps. Please click ACCEPT and leave FEEDBACK when you are satisfied.

Accepts:
Expert:	Dr.Keane
Pos. Feedback:	100.0 %
Answered:	10/27/2009

Psychologist

Clinical Psychology PHD, Licensed Professional Counselor, Marriage/Family, Teens, Child Psychology,

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Hi. I'll be glad to help but need some information How old is your son? Has he ever been tested for learning disabilities? Is he teased by his older brothers?

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Answer

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I understand. My last question regarding this is that I was told to get him evaluated for a personality test or disorder. Would you recommend that? If so, how do I go about getting it done? We live on Long Island in NY.

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