Hello.
First I am sorry for the abuse and neglect that you experienced. The memory has become engrained in your mind. As a child we believe everything is our fault and that type of thinking still exists on some level. I would suggest that you think about undergoing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for the depression and anxiety that you have appeared to developed. With CBT you learn new ways of thinking and acting and as a result you feel better. Another option is medication which can help to alleviate the depression and anxiety. Evidence based studies have shown that the combination of CBT and psychotherapy is the most effective treatment for anxiety and depression. I hope this advice has be helpful. See
http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthinformation/therapies/cognitivebehaviouraltherapy.aspx
Sincerely,
Ralph LMHC
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Therapist
20+ years as therapist, supervisor, clinic director at mental health, substance abuse treatment ctrs