Hi there ,
Welcome to Just answer !
Well, it is quite suggestive that you are always going through a tussle in your mind about things which you would want to do and the things which you actually end up doing eventually for the sake of the happiness of others to please them , while in the bargain , you have become sad and bitter from within , blaming others for things which did not work out . If you are not going to let out your feelings , express them to your boyfriend and let him know your point of views , your wants and expectations, then this will emotionally choke you , and lead you to depression .
So, i suggest that you take help of a psychologist and get started on psychotherapy that is counseling in lay terms , and the best type of counseling for you right now would be Cognitve behavioural therapy ( CBT ) , which will help you to deal with your inner feelings and how to express them to others in a more sensitive and understanding manner , so that your point of view is well recieved and accepted also, thus doing well for your self esteem.
I hope this helps and i suggest that you consult a psychologist and get started on CBT , and i am quite sure that this will help you a lot .
I wish you all the best..
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Regards..
Psychiatry Resident
MD Psychiatry Senior Resident