Question

My wife, Michelle, and I have an 8 year old daughter, Lila. She is very bright and an all round healthy kid. She enjoys school and does well. Michelle and I have quite different styles of parenting. You could call it the “good cop / bad cop” dynamic. She’s the good cop and I’m the bad cop. Ever since out Lila’s birth, Michelle has shied away from or felt intolerable pretty much anything unpleasant that comes up with Lila. These include crying, obstinacy (Lila can be very strong willed at times), enforcing rules, and fostering a sense of responsibility and consequences for Lila’s unacceptable behavior. So now it seems I am the only parent setting limits, a sense of discipline (not in the pejorative sense), and consequences (e.g., cutting TV rights, computer time). When Lila and I go toe-to-toe on an issue in situations where “no means no” Michelle will step in a accuse me of being pig-headed. I’m fairly confident with regard to picking battles. For the most part, Michelle doesn’t get in the way of my enforcing limits, but she does little to enforce them herself. When Lila and I are alone together, she pretty much knows, on the level, what goes and what doesn’t. We are very close and have a lot of fun together but she understands that when we disagree, the final word is mine. I rarely have to mead out consequences, but when I do, she generally acknowledges the behavior that warranted them. When Michelle arrives home from work, most of that goes out the window. Lila demands her immediate attention and drags her off to do something before she’s barely in the door. Michelle will say no several times but Lila will persist until Michelle gives in or loses her temper. I’ve learned not to try to intervene and call Lila off, but it usually falls on deaf ears. I often feel like my decisions are either disregarded or criticized as being too overbearing, and are seldom honored. This is extremely frustrating and that frustration often leads to my being rigid. Michelle and I have discussed how we want to parent and will generally meet each other half way. But those decisions seem moot once we go back to the real world. I feel like I’m stuck and could really use your input.