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Here's the situation...they live in different states, are divorced and share custody of a son. He has threatened physical harm in the past and is now calling and doing it...says he will do terrible things to her or have a friend do it. The chances of him coming to this state are slim although he has said he will come and take their son and kill her. Should she get a restraining order or what?

Submitted: 339 days and 14 hours ago.

Category: Legal

Value: $15

Status: CLOSED

Posted by Nancy Delain 339 days and 14 hours ago.

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I'm afraid your pronouns are confusing because there are two possible "he"s: Hubby and Son. While I think I know what you're talking about, I don't like to assume. Therefore, please let me know if this rewrite of your question is correct; if it is NOT correct, please correct what I missed (my assumptions of what the pronouns mean are between asterisks).

Hubby & Wife live in different states, are divorced and share custody of a son. Hubby has threatened physical harm in the past and is now calling Wife and doing physical harm...says Hubby will do terrible things to Wife or have a friend do terrible things. The chances of Hubby coming to this state are slim although Hubby has said Hubby will come and take their son and kill Wife. Should Wife get a restraining order or what?

Is this restatement correct as to the cast of characters and their respective roles in this saga?

339 days and 14 hours ago.

Reply

Sorry for the confusion..yes you are right. Just one slight correction. "....is now calling wife and DOING physical harm?" I would say hubby is calling or phoning and threatening physical harm but not doing it at present (he is several states away). Guess now it is emotional harm from fear.

Posted by Nancy Delain 339 days and 13 hours ago.

Info Request

Thanks very much for your prompt and pleasant response to my question.

Now that I have the cast of characters straight, let me ask a few more questions that will give me a good clue as to just where we stand with this situation (last time through this process, I promise).

1. What does Hubby do for a living (I'm looking to find out if he is in any way connected with law enforcement -- police, correctional officer, sheriff, ...)?

2. Does Wife have a support system (friends or relatives to whom she can go in an emergency) in place in the state where she resides?

3. Does Hubby have any sort of criminal record? If so, is the crime involved a violent one?

4. How old is Hubby? (This one may sound odd, but it makes a difference whether Hubby is 25 without a record or 55 without a record)

5. How long have Hubby & Wife been divorced?

6. Is there a known mental health issue with Hubby?

7. About how many miles are between Wife and Hubby? (I know you're telling me "several states," but there is a difference between Texas, a state, and Rhode Island (also a state).)

8. Does Wife know of any "friends" who would be willing to help Hubby carry out his threat and who are closer to her than is Hubby?

339 days and 13 hours ago.

Reply

Some of these answers I do not know for sure...so I hesitate to say.
l. he is in sales...not connected with the law
2. She does have family and friends in the area
3. I'm not sure about this one. I do think he once had to take an anger management class. The details I don't know.
4. age 40
5. Legally divorced about 2 years but separated for several years before that.
6.Not sure about mental health...just the anger management
7. about 1600 miles between them
8. I don't think she know any friends of his in her area

Accepted Answer

Thanks again for your responses to my questions.

Given Hubby's known anger issues and his (repeated?) death threats against Wife, Wife should certainly try to get a restraining order against him. The 1600 miles between them may work against her in that endeavor, however; some courts act like they have never heard of airplanes. However, the fact that they have been separated for several years and Hubby is (still?) behaving like this should throw up a red flag in front of the judge.

At 40, Hubby should have gained control over his behavior and his anger issues. That he has not is another red flag for the judge to see.

There is no way to prevent an unknown person -- the "friend" -- from harming Wife; we can't put Wife into a bubble and say no one can approach her.

Wife has a couple of options, even without a restraining order. She might consider changing her phone number to an unlisted number to prevent Hubby's harassing phone calls. She can give Son his own cell phone on which he can talk to his dad without giving away (through Caller ID) her phone number. Even if Son is a young child, Hubby can call Son's cell number and Wife can hit the Answer button and hand the phone to Son without speaking to Hubby herself. Another alternative to the phone issue is for Wife to leave the current phone line intact but turn off the ringer and invest in an answering machine that will allow her to keep the recordings of Hubby's virulent calls (Vonage emails my voicemails to me, so I have every single one of the messages left for me since I started with them; that service may be available from other carriers also). Threatening voicemails left for Wife by Hubby can be a powerful persuader to a reluctant judge to issue a restraining order.

Another possibility is the FCC. Hubby and Wife live in separate states, and Hubby is using the telephone lines (which are governed by the FCC) to threaten Wife's life and well-being across state lines. This could possibly provide the basis for federal jurisdiction in this matter. I'm certainly no expert on communications law, and I certainly have not researched this idea, but it might be an avenue worth exploring.

I'm glad that Wife has friends/family around her; that will prove to be a huge help to her over time.

Wife might consider taking positive steps to get to know the local police officers in a positive way before Hubby comes to town. Volunteering for their charities is one good way to do that; there are other ways, but that's the one that comes to mind. If Hubby turns up, it would be good for Wife to have friends on the police force who know her and know that she's not just some hysteric with a restraining order.

This next could be a sensitive subject. I know that Wife is the one being terrorized here and that Hubby is the one who Needs Help, but sometimes it really does help the victims of angry, manipulative, aggressive people to speak with a therapist to get the results of the terrorism under control; terrorization like that which Hubby is inflicting can have some pretty devastating effects on Wife. Has she considered seeking therapy during this situation?

Wife is in a tough spot. I wish her luck.

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Edited by Nancy Delain on 12/19/2008 at 5:22 AM

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Expert:	Nancy Delain
Pos. Feedback:	92.3 %
Answered:	12/19/2008

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Registered Patent Attorney (1/2005); Attorney at Law (1/2004); M.S., Tech Writing (5/1981)

339 days and 3 hours ago.

Reply

Thank you for your help. Much of what you mentioned she has done like changing phone numbers, getting son a cell of his own, and some therapy for her. I will suggest your other options.

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Sorry for the confusion..yes you are right. Just one slight correction. "....is now calling wife and DOING physical harm?" I would say hubby is calling or phoning and threatening physical harm but not doing it at present (he is several states away). Guess now it is emotional harm from fear.

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Thank you for your help. Much of what you mentioned she has done like changing phone numbers, getting son a cell of his own, and some therapy for her. I will suggest your other options.

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