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Reani, Cat Care Expert
Category: Cat
Satisfied Customers: 1762
Experience:  20+ years experience with Cat Care and behavior problems, 3 years Pet Rescue
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I have two cats that hate each other. I love them both and

Customer Question

I have two cats that hate each other. I love them both and want to know how to get the to become friends. I cannot alllow them to be in the same room. The female has claws. The male doesnot. He is the aggressor. The female is terrified of him. HELP PLEASE
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Cat
Expert:  Terri replied 8 years ago.



I know this is very upsetting to you because hese are your babies.

Dont worry a bit about hissing - it is completely normal.

It is absolutely normal for your resident cat to vehemently object to any newcomers. All her hissing means is:" Hey, who are you? You smell different!! I don't recognize your scent and I am head cat around here - so watch it!!!"AND the newbie will know that and expect it.

This is the way cats act when they are first introduced.They have a specific language the use to communicate with each other.


You do not need a behaviorist for cats. They are really quite easy to understand.

They do not rationalize, nor are they capable of in depth thought or reasoning.

Everything they do is basic, logical (to them) and makes perfect sense.

In a cat heirarchy a strong kitty will always try to take over and assume the head cat position. In addition, that is always subject to changes if cat one senses weakness in cat two. One is always the Bully and the other is the victim.

Cats DO work things out in their own way and they could care less what humans (or behaviorists) think. They only respond to the energy of another animal be it feline, canine or human. Punishment is useless and counerproductive because they simply do not understand being hurt - they would just try to avoid the hurter in the future but it would not teach them anything.(except fear)

Cats do not follow a pack leader the way dogs do but they do sense their human moms energy and respond accordingly - so if you are nervous, they will be nervous. If you are stressed, they are stressed as well.

Since they have been together a while there is no getting to know you phase. They already know what to expect from each other.


However, females can be little witches. That is where they got the term catty and why it is almost never used to apply to a male.

Cats do not recognize others by sight, they depend more on scent, so if some tumil is going on in or oudoors, they can sometimes take it out on each other and begin hissing and spitting.Something spooked bully so she is taking it out on victim

I know this sounds simple - because it is - just be a calm, assertive, loving energy in their lives. When they are at home , they will look to you to judge whether the environment is safe. If you sit there with a calm attitude - it will calm them. If they sense that you are upset, they will think there is something to fear so just be as nonchalant as possible and CALM.


I would not confine either cat because they will want to get past any closed doors - cats are like that and they will be overwhelmed with curiosity as to what lurks on the other side.Plus they would be stressed by confinement (which cats HATE). . However,victim must always have a safe spot to retreat to if bully scares her.If she prefers to stay in a room - that's fine - she may have made it HER territory.

If bully starts at victim - just say SHUSH and her very lightly on the head. That lets her know (in a cat way) that the behavior is unacceptable and she will understand that feline method of correction and not be hurt, upset or insulted.

The problem is that victim is not defending herself against bully who is probably head cat. This is causing her to disrespect and bully her. THe way you can help is to become victims defense. A cat will only learn from someone stronger that her who is calm, assertive and puts him in his place. As soon as he shows any sign of going after her , grab her by her scruff and say NO! like HISS then gently but firmly tap his nose. You must do this every single time you see it.


Just imagine how stressed you become when they fight - well they can feel your anxiety and it makes them nervous.

Actually if you ever watched cats in the cat room of a shelter you would see similar behavior but they eventually do work things out in an amicable fashion .Because they have to!



Do not yell, spray water or act upset, Just immediately calmly and firmly correct her . This will teach her that her aggression will not be tolerated the way another cat would treat her - except the NO! would be a hiss and the tap would be with a paw. When victim sees bully being stopped she wil gain confidence and begin to defend herself. That will learn bullys respect and she will leave her alone.

Get a feliway plug in and rescue remedy at a pet supply to safely keep them calm.


Please let me know how things are going I will always be here for you.

Remember to stay calm at all times and I hope the cats will be fine.


Sincerest best wishes,


Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Hi, I have tried to respond to your answer all day, but without success. Thank you8 so much for the answers, but you have not given me any answers that I have not already tried. My cat is aggressive to everyone who comes into my house. He bites and hisses and even lunges at my grandchildren. He now is doing the same with the little female cat. He is very loving and gentle with me.
The two cats have been together for four months now, and I have never hit one of them. I don't believe in that, and I know better than that. The female starts to growl even if the male is just sitting doing nothing. That is when he attacks. I don't blame her because he has hurt her. She has clawed him in both eyes because she has claws.I would really appreciate further answers or research regarding my dilemma. I just love my cats so much. You are right, they are my babies. I feel bad that people hate my cat that I rasied and bottle fed when he was abandoned as a tiny newborn. He was about the size of a mouse. I can't give him up, and I don't think anyone would take him because he hisses, attacks, and bites. I will not declaw the little female as she is four years old. I could never declaw a cat again because it was a painful ordeal. I bring this up because some people think that declawing the other would be an answer to my problem. Please help me and my
kitties. There must be some way to end this cat war. Mary Lynne
Expert:  Terri replied 8 years ago.

Hi Mary Lynne,


I am discussing this case with other experts and will pot some new ideas soon.



Expert:  Reani replied 8 years ago.

Good Morning Marylynne,


Terri has given you some excellent advise that I myself have used on my girls. It took about 7 months for my newest to settle in and even now they still have tiffs. The advise that worked best for me was the tapping on the forehead saying shhh... This works amazingly well. Also, add a product called Good Cat to their water along with continuing use of the Feliway plug in. This is an herbal remedy that is like a St. Johns wort for your cats. Petting one then the other with a damp sock on your hand makes them smell more familiar to each other. At this point what you are seeing is leftover mistrust. When one gets defensive, the other reacts and a fight breaks out, so anything you can do to lessen the anxiety among them will go a long way.


Try the Good Cat in addition to what Terri has advised, and be patient. It will not happen overnight, but they will learn to get along. They may never be friends, but they will certainly lean to co-exist.


Please let me know if you wish to discuss further!


Warmest wishes,


Reani, Cat Care Expert
Category: Cat
Satisfied Customers: 1762
Experience: 20+ years experience with Cat Care and behavior problems, 3 years Pet Rescue
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