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Ask Cher Your Own Question

Cher
Cher, Teacher
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 20975
Experience:  Extensive Experience working with Children/Teens; M.A. Teacher/Tutor 40+ yrs.; Parent of 2
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I recently found out that my daughter and her boyfriend are

Customer Question

I recently found out that my daughter and her boyfriend are sexually active. It's been heartbreaking and a difficult time. We are slowly making progress trying to rebuild our relationship but I'm struggling more than you can imagine knowing that they are having sex whilst at his house. When picking her up I can hardly look at her. I'm struggling to understand how I'm meant to just accept something, I don't support and that I'm so against.
JA: The Psychologist will know what to do. Is there anything else important you think the Psychologist should know?
Customer: My daughter has just turned 14 years old. So she was 13 when she lost her virginity to him. He's 18 months older. I always believed we had a close relationship and finding out about all the lies nearly destroyed me.
JA: OK. Got it. I'm sending you to a secure page on JustAnswer so you can place the $5 fully-refundable deposit now. While you're filling out that form, I'll tell the Psychologist about your situation and then connect you two.
Submitted: 6 months ago.
Category: Parenting
Customer: replied 6 months ago.
I've paid and I don't understand why my question hasn't been sent
Expert:  Cher replied 6 months ago.
Hello, and welcome. My name is ***** ***** I am typing your answer now. Please allow me some time to get my answer to you, as I have a lot to say and you just posted your answer 3 minutes ago. Your patience is greatly appreciated! Kind regards,Cheryl
Expert:  Cher replied 6 months ago.
Hello, again. I'm so sorry that you're going through such a difficult time with this situation. The main thing now, is to keep working on establishing good communication with your daughter and have some honest discussions with her. I'm sure she didn't say anything to you in the past, because she knew you would disapprove of her decision to be sexually active at such a young age. Right now, that is a deed that cannot be undone, so although you can tell her that you disapprove, and the reasons for it, it's more important to concentrate on the present situation. You can let her know that you feel she is too young to be engaging in sexual activity and you wish she would have asked you some questions about this, in the past, so you could have suggested what was best for her. Her boyfriend is quite young, as well, but parents of boys worry less about being sexually active at an early age, than parents of girls. Remind her that because she's so young, this is most likely not the boy she will end up with, eventually, and also, stress the most important thing--using protection (he, not she). In addition, discuss the possibilities of STD's with her and explain that she could be compromising her health. You can tell her that you understand that is not the first thing on her mind when she's with her boyfriend, but she would be ruining her life if she were to God forbid, become pregnant and she also doesn't want to chance making herself sick with an STD. If she is sexually active, tell her that it is time for her to have her first gyn exam, which she probably won't like to hear, but, but it's for her good health. You must open this line of communication with her, now, and do it in a calm, sensible way (although, I know you're 'screaming at her' inside). Make her feel that she can come to you for any questions she has or any problems, at any time, and you will not be judgmental. Reassure her that you love her very much and are only concerned for her safety and emotional well-being. Perhaps if you didn't pick her up from his house (or drive her to his house), it would make it more difficult for them to see each other. You're making it easier for her to go there and have sex with him, if she knows you're picking her up. I'm not suggesting that you leave her in the street, just if you make it harder for them to be alone together at his house, this might cut down on their sexual activity. I don't know if he ever comes to your house, but, if he does, make her aware that they are not allowed to be in her room together and not have sex there. If he comes over, it's for studying or watching TV, etc. in a 'common room', like the livingroom or family room, and you will be there all the time. So, try to keep the communication open and make sure she knows that you disapprove of what she's doing, because she's too young, but you are still her parent and make sure she knows you will always be there if she has any questions or problems she needs to discuss. I hope you found this answer helpful and will please take a moment to select a positive rating from the stars at the top of your page, then click 'submit;' this is the only way I will receive credit for assisting you. Thank you very much! Even after rating, I will always be available if you need additional information; just click 'reply' and I will be glad to continue. Warmest regards,Cher

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