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RealSupport
RealSupport, Family Counselor
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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My 17 year old wants to spend New Years Eve with his 16 year

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My 17 year old wants to spend New Years Eve with his 16 year old girlfriend who lives in another state. I don't like the idea. Holidays should be spent with families, especially at this age.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do totally agree with you, once this is about your minor son, and perhaps the last time he shares this special holiday with you, being consistent with the core values you have raised him with is assertive, while discussing with him why this is this important for you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

How has it been in previous years, what does your husband thinks about it and what's been your son's response to your position?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I want to say that sound and effective parenting does always set and keep healthy boundaries and limits, since it is based on them, that children develop the very skills to become responsible, respectful and sensitive adults.

Customer:

My husband thinks I should let him experience these things and my son wants to go. He has a celebrity girlfriend who showers him with presents and she is home scholled. My son is applying for Ivy League colleges and she doesn't understand the pressure.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Obviously, for a young person like him, many times nothing could be more appealing that spending that time with an old girlfriend, but again, these is about assessing the situation with an assertive approach.
I see, then your husband support his plans. spoiling is never healthy but very appealing for sure, and as I said he will be an adult very soon.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do support the idea that he is also old enough to take full responsibility for his own choices and actions, and when you are being a supportive and wise parent being concerned about these situations, he is and will have to take full responsibility for everything he chooses to do with his life, and your role would continue to be to support him, not as a little child anymore, but as an adult...

Customer:

So do you mean that since he will be an adult soon I should support his plans of leaving for New Years? Even though we live in NY and she is in Colorado and we will be paying for his vacaton?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thus if he does not comply with the core rules and agreements you have about important things, then he would have to afford consequences from it, in order to learn, mature and truly work on becoming a real adult.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What I mean, as I previously stated, is that you should be consistent with the core values you have as a family, that if you as a mother, do expect and want him to be there with your this year, even more taking into account that this could be the last year he shares this special time with you, he should understand and respect that.

Customer:

What about my husband who supports his ideas?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That your responsibility is to take good care of him, and not to please him when you do not consider a plan is adequate or assertive. But both of you as parents, should discuss this and get to an agreement, in order to decide what he will be doing about it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Both of you are equally responsible for his well-being, thus you need to decided what you want to do about it, then talk to him about your decision.

Customer:

Thank you!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It is obvious you do not feel comfortable nor support his plans, thus I do not see how this could work for you as a family unless you or your husband change your mind. What would not help for sure is for each of you to push the situation to opposite directions.
You're very welcome.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me if you have any other questions since I am here willing to support you as possible. This will be the last New year holiday you can spend together as a family, and that's why I support you about your expectation for him to share this with you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

He will have his whole life from next year to do as he pleases, as long as being fully accountable and compliant with his life as an adult.

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