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Dear friend, I believe that I can help with this parenting issue.
Your daughter has become addicted to the pacifier, and this addiction seems to be driven by a great deal of anxiety, as indicated by her great apprehension when you try to speak to her about it.
It is compensating for a feeling of insecurity, the basis of which I do not know as we have not delved into it.
It is much like a security blanket or a teddy bear. It is just more apparent because of the nature of it: a visible object that is put in the mouth and sucked on.
It gives the same comfort as breast feeding or thumb-sucking, and is a bit preferable to the latter, but nevertheless, humiliating, and will probably call her dental problems and possible speech impediment because of he change in tongue-thrusting habits that is develops.
Many individuals have this need for comfort. Astonishingly, 35% (yes, not a misprint) of UK adults sleep with a teddy bear. [35 percent of British adults sleep with bear United Press International, February 21, 2012].
I only mention this to illuminate the scope of the problem.
With her cooperation this pacifier could be replaced with hard sucking candies (with artificial sweetener: either Stevia or Splenda, but NOT the poisonous aspartame), which she might find acceptable, or with chewing gum.
A doctor or psychiatrist might want to put her on medication but I do not recommend going this route, as these medications have long-term side effects and do not address her insecurity issues, but rather only suppress the symptoms.
Before you take her to a child psychologist, try the candies. If she is willing, you can put hot pepper (habanero) on her binky.
You can also work with these books which are for younger children but that will hammer home the point as well:
Try these approaches and they may work or begin to move her forward.
I wish you great success and shall keep your family in my prayers.
Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC