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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 3332
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker. Certified Coach Mom of Twins.
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My daughter is 21 years old and she is still in college. she

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My daughter is 21 years old and she is still in college. she live alone at thecampus which is 5 miles away from us.
We have always had a problem with her responding to us.
For some reason when we ask her a question on a text or call her to ask here something,
she is not answering her phone,
or does not answer the text question.
My wife thinks we should just turn off her shone since she is not responding.
But this might be a way to ask for help.

Coach Jen K. :

It is quite possible that she is trying to assert some independence as she is at college and 21. Are the texts and calls happening frequently? I might suggest that when you see her next that you sit with her and talk with her about how she is feeling when she gets the calls and texts and what you hope to get from her when you do reach out.

Coach Jen K. :

If you think she is struggling in some way then yes you should see her sooner rather than later to see what is going on. But by her not answering her texts may not mean that something is wrong but more in the way of wanting some independence.

Coach Jen K. :

I dont think just turning off the phone is the answer here...that will only alienate her further.

Customer:

Im sure she wants independence.

Customer:

But she is not responding to her sister either.

Customer:

And we have already and the talk that ...we are only asking for her to respond to our questions.

Customer:

Its clear that she does answer questions she doesn't want to respond to...

Coach Jen K. :

and how has she responded when you have had those talks with her?

Customer:

but that is not going to help in life or business

Customer:

When we talked about it she says she understands, but she has been like this for a long time.

Coach Jen K. :

And these will be things that she will learn on her own as she enters business. Is it possible for you to pull back a bit?

Customer:

BotXXXXX XXXXXne, we feel that we fully pay for her college, she should not have the right to ignore us.

Customer:

sure we can pull back.

Customer:

but will we regret it if something is really wrong.

Coach Jen K. :

and this is causing the power struggle. I know how hard it is and that you feel you are owed that right to ask and get things answered but it might be great growth for all involved to pull back a bit with the questions.

Customer:

ok

Coach Jen K. :

I would plan a family fun dinner and invite her and just see how she is without peppering her with questions.

Coach Jen K. :

Would she accept the invitation?

Customer:

she doesn't respond when we do that. when my wife asks if she will go to dinner with just her..no response.

Coach Jen K. :

and if you go see her at school? Is that an option since she is so close?

Coach Jen K. :

If you are worried that something is truly wrong then i would show up and do a check in with her

Customer:

yes, I got really worried about her once, and knocked on her apartment door...she made up a lie about not getting the text or call due to Iphone technical reasons

Coach Jen K. :

turning off the phone or not paying for her college doesnt get the results you desire and that is to have a relationship with her so checking in with her again is the way to go.

Coach Jen K. :

I would also ask her directly why is it that you have pulled away...what can we do to repair this?

Customer:

ok thanks

Coach Jen K. :

keep your goal in mind and that is to reconnect not to push her further away and if things are fragile with her then you run that risk with threats or ultimatums. You are a concerned parent and you have every right and you want to be close...let her know that and ask how to make it better

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