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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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My situation is kind of similiar to the "How do you protect

Customer Question

My situation is kind of similiar to the "How do you protect your children from toxic grandparents" I have had a roller coaster relationship with my Mother and I only did what I was expected out of guilt for years. There is so much back story to this, however, at this point I have two children who she did for 10 years help with watching and taking them on outings etc. She took them out of town for a week on a trip up North, with other family. Two days before they came home my Daughter (11) calls me wanting me to come get her and my Son (10) that Nannie (my mother) and Pop (my step father) had a fight, police were involved, etc. Long story short, my children were home in 24 hours and it was the last time we saw them as I requested they now stay out of our lives. They put our children in danger, and the kids want nothing to do with them and it is a decision we all made together. 3 months later, they show up at my daughters soccer game. I was calm, told them they should have called and that we do not want them there. They watched the game and then left. Did not approach the kids, talk to them or nothing. My mother is a very manipulative person. I've requested that they please abide by our wishes as they are giving my children anxiety issues that are not needed and to stop being selfish. I want to get a restraining order but because there was no physical abuse. I don't think I can and don't know how to keep these people away from us.
Submitted: 10 months ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 10 months ago.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Dear friend,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I would like to help you with this issue.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I understand that as a mother you would do anything to keep your children safe.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

This is very difficult for all of you, and of course, your first interest is your children's safety and well-being.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Of course they were shaken up by this affair.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I which way were they in danger, and do they blame both your mother and the stepfather?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

In which way are they "toxic" grandparents.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

The more I understand, of course, the better I can advise you.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Even if your mother was terribly wrong she has been in your life since its inception and has (or should have) a maternal bond to you and to your children, and this cannot be forgotten and ignored. She cannot break that bond and, even if she was very much in the wrong, she cannot let you all go forever.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

It seems that you need to think about a reconciliation if she has learned some lessons and is able to restrain herself and Pop.

Customer:

They were in danger, when she had them in the car along with my 11 year old nephew. And dropped my stepfather and brother off on the side of the road, and took off with them and started driving crazy.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Is there any light at the end of this tunnel, when frayed nerves and anger and begins to subside.

Customer:

They blame both of them.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I see. Does she have bipolar disorder?

Customer:

My mother blamed my brother for the whole thing and lied to my daughter.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

It wasn't anyone but her. How was your brother involved?

Customer:

And actually she has not been there since inception, the only reason she stayed in my life and I allowed it was for my grandmother who passed away 8 years ago.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I see. So you are not closely bonded to your mother.

Customer:

We don't know if she is bi-polar for sure, although out of her 3 brothers, two of them seem to think she has tendancies but not 100% sure.

Customer:

They all went to go shopping and dinner this particular day and my mother blamed my brother on causing her stress level to go up and also blamed my nephew. She asked the kids if she should go back and pick up their grandfather and uncle.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

This kind of reckless behavior could be an indication but I do not know enough about her. The issue here is really the safety of your children.

Customer:

No, I've tried she has dis-owned me more times then I can count. My grandmother was more my mother then she was

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Well then, if she has disowned you, probably for petty reasons, then you are justified in keeping her away from you.

Customer:

Yes I'm not worried about me anymore it's about my children. They do not want her around.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You cannot do anything about her going to the games but you can verbally keep them from approaching you and if they are stalking your children, then you can probably do something about it even if they haven't been physical.

Customer:

But how do I do that if she is not listening to our wishes. My husband, the father of my children, has also told both of them to stay away.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I say that if you ignore them and avoid them rather than actively oppose those (which may just provoke them, or HER) then she will tire of this and give up.

Customer:

Ok, that seems to be the answer.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You have to wait them out and ignore them completely. The will find other ways to use their malignant energy.

Customer:

I just hate that she is effecting the kids and being so selfish in her ways once again, very frustrating.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Tell the children that she is not right in the head but that she will not hurt them and they have nothing to worry about. Call her poor grandma and let pity replace fear. Don't show them your anxiety over her for they will then learn to feel that same anxiety.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Just tell them that you all have to ignore her because she just is not right or trustworthy, but that she wo

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

won't hurt them, but just be a very annoying person.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Tell them that it is sad, but you cannot do anything about it except to stay away from her.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

They will understand and not have fear. They will just know that she has to be avoided.

Customer:

Ok, thank you.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You are so very welcome. I shall keep your family in my prayers.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Warm regards,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Ellliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC

Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 10 months ago.
Thank you and may God bless you, MaryAnne.

Elliott

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