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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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3 months ago my angelic 16 year old son turned into the most

Customer Question

3 months ago my angelic 16 year old son turned into the most hateful person I have ever met. I found every mom's worst nightmare when I borrowed his computer for work. He has several offline and online relationships with men and boys of ALL ages. When I confronted him about his desire to seek these inappropriate relationships, he felt threatened and retaliated. He says he will run away if I make him stop. At the moment, he has run off to live with his dad partly because his dad choses to look away and partly because I am overwhelmed at his threats to me.

Counseling may be an option but they both deny it now. This is a whole other topic, but I wanted you to know where I am coming from.

If I had my wish, my son would be in front of a judge who could rule some discipline in him. So I thought, why can't I be the judge at the moment. I have something of value to both my son and my ex. About 8 years ago, after my divorce was final, I decided to buy a 15 yo car and eat ramen noodles for 5 years so I could save for my son's college. The FL prepaid college fund has been paid off for 3 years now and I can use that money for ANYTHING at ANYTIME and get back the $7000 I put into it. Of course its value quadruples if it is used for college. My son does well in school and wants to go to college.

I want my son to turn in his computer to me and get a job. I want him to pay me back the $7000 I spent on this college fund and I will turn it over to him to use for college. I know his dad may pay me for it outright (his dad makes 80,000 a year and I make 22,000 yet it doesnt equal into much child support money because of all of his other children he supports with child support. I was lucky to get $200 a month sporadically) botXXXXX XXXXXne is- my son may ask his dad for the money to pay me for the fund. His dad never did a FL prepaid fund.

Can I legally have my son pay me for this college fund and if not, I will cash it out and give it to my father who is 85 years old and could use the money for his medical bills and his quality of life.

What are your thoughts? I don't know where else to turn. I feel my son and I were best friends and on the surface I had a lot of trust and gave him a lot of freedom. In hindsight, I wish I had the rules for technology that you do. His computer and phone is his God and he laughs in my face if I address any of these issues and says he got away with it. He says he will run away to any of the men he has a relationship with (some in other countries) if I implement rules. This summer a man gave him money to come see him in Alaska. I thought he was going to study the killer whales. I interviewed the whale watching facility and he was enrolled but so did this man, I went to the police and they said there is no proof that sex was involved and if it is consensual, it is hard to prove- and that my son whould be in trouble as well because he is also an online predator seeking 12 year olds. So I feel I am starting with the only grasp I have with my son and that is his college fund. I want to instill a work ethic and get him off of the computer. I bought him that computer as a gift when he turned 14 and tried to embrace his love for technology, but wow, did that backfire. Any advice would be welcomed. I don't know where to turn. I asked a few lawyers and they said I was asking for parenting advice, but I asked them because I want a legal contract between my son and myself saying that if he repays the $7000 to me, I will give him the college fund. Otherwise, it is going to my elderly father.

Thank you in advance for reading this.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Dear friend,






I believe that I can help.







I understand how desperate you are, and right in front of your eyes, in a sense, your son has become a "different person".







He has become a young, gay, underage man, not quite an adult but more than a mere child.



Customer:

His rebellion and hatred seems to be the biggest issue. I can't even address his adult and minor behavior and the illegal activity...

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Do you expect that he will change his sexual preferences?

Customer:

if he were in some sort of detention or correctional facility, I believe hard work would be the only way to get him back on track to being a contributing member of society. His sexual preference does not matter at this point. His promiscuous lifestyle at his age with anyone is what is the most hurtful.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

His behaviour towards you is his reaction to the shame at being discovered. His foolishness is in great part due to his youth.

Customer:

I went to the police to see if I could protect him- or keep him from running away and they said they cannot do anything about threats. They said if he wants this behavior and the other boys and men stick with they story that they are not sexual, it is hard to prosecute. They said he would be in big trouble to for soliciting minors. I understand the problem and agree with the shame and his youth, now I need to figure out how to be a parent and have boundries without him running away.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

If he is put into a facility he will be more sodomized and sexualized then if he was not in one.

Customer:

i do not want him to get in legal trouble

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Of course not. You are his mother and have always loved him

Customer:

the only thing of value I have is his college fund

Customer:

of vlue to him

Customer:

i believe years later he will thank me for making him earn it

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You must find a family therapist who will work with the two of you. I do not think that mere leverage will influence his 16 year old mind.

Customer:

to get a job and buy the college fund from me

Customer:

he and his father chose not to seek counseling

Customer:

maybe I can pay him to go to counseling?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

He would be grateful if he has that reasoning capacity. At 16, and with a huge sexual drive, his thinking is not clear.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Try to leave his father out of it. His father does not seem to have much sense.

Customer:

i agree

Customer:

of course any parent wants their child to do the right thing because they know what the rightthing is and to please their parents... we are way beyond that- I am having to parent with rules and accountability

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You must greatly soften you approach to your son. He could be in very big trouble if he is convicted of pedophilia, and he is at risk of getting terrible sexually transmitted diseases.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You will not change his homosexuality, but you may change his very reckless behaviour.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

It is quite possible that he is suffering from a disorder that causes this reckless behaviour and apparent temper. It could be bipolar disorder of Borderline Personality Disorder.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Do you think his father ever abused him?

Customer:

I have been trying the love approach and to be honest, all I receive is hate. I have put on the best acting job of my life acting as if his behavior is understandable but illegal. He said if I implement any rules he will run away.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Can he legally run away?

Customer:

i think he may have a disorder. He tells me he is a psychopath

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

What is the age limit?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

On what grounds does he say he is a psychopath?

Customer:

you are not thefirst person to ask me of his father abused him. He said in a letter to me that he was aboused by his cousin.

Customer:

His lover is and he researched it and said he was too

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Then that is what could have set him off and caused this behaviour.

Customer:

yes... I agree but where do i go from here?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

What lover are you talking about please?

Customer:

my son has several lovers- most recently it is a guy he went to visit in Alaska

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

OK. Thanks for clearing that up.

Customer:

I know of 3 men he has been with but he wont tell me about the others

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

What are the legal limits of your authority as a parent? Can you put him in a facility for treatment for running away?

Customer:

yes, but the police, like you say that I dont want to pursue accountability for his behavior legaly because it will follow my son forever.

Customer:

but yes, if he runs away, i can press charges

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

The consequences of his running away, such as turning into a male prostitute, or getting HIV/AIDS can also follow him forever.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Running away charges on his record when he is a child will not ruin his life. What will follow him will be a little tiny footnote of something that happened when he was a child.

Customer:

He exaggerated an altercation with his dad last year when his dad took away his computer during a visit (and I believed my son that his dad punched him) and he turned his dad into DCF. Now I know it was a lie and he said he will do the same to me if I take away his freedom

Customer:

I guess I am afraid of him succeeding at running away. I tried to stop him from going to Alaska and the police and airline said he bought his own ticket and could go.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Go to DCF and tell them of this threat, and that he is using it to prevent you from disciplining him.

Customer:

then I asked his dad to support me in preventing him to go to alaska and his dad said their is nothing we can do

Customer:

ok- that is a good idea

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

What I would like to know, and you have not yet told me, is do you have the right to have hims institutionalized now as an incorrigible child?

Customer:

I really like that because then they will see that my son is lying to manipulate us

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

He may be a sociopath, meaning he has a personality disorder, such as narcissistic personality disorder, that allows him to lie easily and to have no feelings for other people.

Customer:

i do not know. I guess I will have to research that. I told his father that the college fund money (pretty much all the money I have) should go to get help for him, like in a medical facility but again- his dad thinks counseling and medical help is a waste of money.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I believe his main problem is the abuse he suffered.

Customer:

yes! he says that to me a lot- that he is a sociopath

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

His father offers no solution and may be part of the problem because he enables him.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

What does he mean? This sounds like scary words to get you off his back.

Customer:

so seeking medical help for his sociopathic behavior may be kurt best bet

Customer:

my son uses the words sychopath and sociopath alot. This man he loves says that he is and so my son says he himself is too.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

It is a scary word. What does it mean? What is is sociopathic or psychopathic behaviour? If he has none then he is just trying to frighten you.

Customer:

he says that he has no feelings for others.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Then he is a sociopath and he will never change

Customer:

his friend abuses animals too but luckily my son doesnt do that

Customer:

that i know of

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

He friend is the worst kind of psychopath and from has antisocial personality disorder, the one that many violent criminals and thieves have.

Customer:

it is just so weird... my son used to donate his christmas toys to homeless people... now this? I feel like I have been robbed

Customer:

That is why I am afraid to have him living with me

Customer:

when he laughs at me it is like I am looking at pure evil

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Your son may just be saying this. Do you believe he has no feelings for the pain of others?

Customer:

before, he used to say I dont ever wact to hurt you mom, now he says he doesnt care about me and hopes i die a painful death

Customer:

he has really "bonded" with this guy in alaska. He said he has met his soulmate

Customer:

someone he can relate to

Customer:

he says he will stick his penis in whatever he can- young old, willing, unwilling, male female, animal... thosethings have to be to get a reaction

Customer:

he cant mean that

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Perhaps the best thing for him is to let him go to Alaska with your blessings (but not any funds) and be with his soul mate.

Customer:

at 16?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

He can't mean it. He wants you to accept him for what he is.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

At 16 he is a functional adult and historically and biologically this is the norm even if it is not the law.

Customer:

when i found out, i took him to his favorite place and held his hand and said his behavior was dangerous- i said it in love...

Customer:

I have to let go...

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

This may be the best way for him to learn responsibility and to understand what an absolutely wonderful mother you are. Unfortunately you cannot make those words sink in, but if he has a heart, he loves you.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

One thing about sociopaths that is true.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

They may love nobody else, but they more often than not always love their mothers.

Customer:

i never thought of that... I guess you are right...

Customer:

i will let him go

Customer:

I guess I needed someone to tell me it was okay to let him go both emotionally and physically

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

He will not forget you and will be forever grateful that you did, and may even begin to hear your wisdom if times get hard.

Customer:

thank you... I needed to hear that

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You are a wonderfully wise person and I am glad that I could give you that support. He will love you for your blessings to him.

Customer:

again thank you for helping me...

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

It seems to be the best way forward.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I feel so blessed to have been able to help. This is a great start to my day.

Customer:

to hear you say that is the best words i could hear right now... you have given me a gift that exceeds any value

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I now have a huge smile on my face. Thank you for saying that.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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