Have Parenting Questions? Ask a Parenting Counselor for Answers
Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about this very sad, frustrating and concerning situation.
For how long has your daughter been presenting this lack of responsibility and neglect?
For at least three years.
What has she been doing all these past days when she did not attend school?
What happened 3 years ago for her to start presenting these very dysfunctional behaviors?
I'm a single parent she has been staying home. I started making her do chores around the house when she wouldn't go to school but, she started to become content with that.
Are you aware of what caused or lead to these changes to appear 3 years ago?
There has been many stressful events for us in the past 4-5 years. Her mother became violent about 4.5 years ago. We moved out and were separated for 1 year. Her mother attempted suicide twice while we were separated. Her mother moved back in for 2.5 years then we divorced in May of this year. My daughter was missing school while her mother lived with us but, was doing good this year until two weeks ago. There are so many things that it could be.
I am very sorry to hear it has been this overwhelming for her. Each one of these life issues could be very traumatic, from abandonment to suicide attempts and domestic violence; all of them together could easily create many mental health problem to most people in there shoes, even more in her situation because of her high vulnerability because of age and the Asperger's S.
She is outside the house right now just standing. Should I let her in or should I stand my ground?
Has she been getting psychotherapeutic support all these years to rehabilitate from her Asperger's and to cope with the family dysfunction - pain?
Is this because she chose not to attend classes?
You said she was doing very good at school until recently, right?
She went to a psychologist for about a year but, things were worse then. After we stopped seeing the psychologist things started to get better.
Yes she was doing well at school the first month then she started slipping and missing school.
I am sorry to know that, then perhaps the psychologist was not truly a good psychotherapist otherwise she would have got better never worse.
it seems your child has been self-sabotaging, since I do not see how she could take any advantage form this situation at all, don't you think so?
Washington State is a challenge. By law anyone over 13 has to consent to counseling and to allow parents to participate.
If you think she has been standing there long enough, you could let her in.
Right, it does not make things easy for sure.
I do fear me forcing her outside will make things worse but, I've tried so many other ways to get her to not miss school and nothing seems to work for more than a week. I don't know what to do.
Have you tried taking her back to school anyway for her to attend classes even if she gets late or misses a class?
Yes many times but, with work I can't always come back home and take her to school.
I believe there could be healthier ways of discipline for her to become more aware and cfor her choices and actions.
I feel like my only option is to accept that she is going to miss school each week and probably fail high school. I will let her in the house and hope for the best in the future.
I believe you have been doing your best within the unavoidable limitations of what is possible for you. At the same time i do not believe she has been doing this to hurt you or to bring more suffering, but as a way to act out the pain from the violence and trauma she has been exposed to and suffered these years.
I do believe that a much realistic, wiser and healthier approach would be to continue to prove consistent discipline an boundaries at home, but also to provide consistent affection, understanding and support, since she is grieving and conflicted
She needs to heal, and to develop more resilience, and sense of self-worthiness, coping skills and obviously to learn how the social aspect of herself and life is so important, and it' mainly through concrete modeling that she could develop these core skills.
Thank you. I will keep working with her.
Her mental health and well-being are more important than academic performance, please , as you said and i agree with you %100, it would be better to focus on taking good care of her mental health and rehabilitation now, and then her academic performance would get the attention it requires as possible,
Thank you for your trust
Please keep in touch as necessary, since I am willing to support you as possible,
Thank you again. Have a great day.
You too. Bye for now
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