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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Dear Sirs I am a 50 y/o man; I have a son who is now 7yr and

Customer Question

Dear Sirs
I am a 50 y/o man; I have a son who is now 7yr and 9 months. His mother and I separated 2 years ago and got divorced a year later.
The reason for divorce is something that I prefer no to explain unless it is necessary. I am sure that my ex-wife has her own arguments and views and obviously opposite to mine.
I take my son almost every weekend to my home, or at least every other weekend. My son is happy with me and he is always waiting for me to pick him up, and at the return home on Sundays night, he looks for excuses of how to stay little longer at home. Needless to say I love him so much.. and I worry of his well-being all around.
When Stevens mom, our son, and I got separated first he went for a summer stay of 2 months in Ukraine, which was customary in the past, at this time I Helped his mom to relocate in her new apartment or place of living, two months later upon my son’s return his mother explained to him something like the move is temporary and that it was because of the new school, and that eventually he will go back home and together, this was with the hope to get him ready and to tell him the tXXXXX XXXXXttle by little. I had agreed to it and I knew this from the beginning.
Steven’s mother and I, try not to argue or to keep in problems, as per me I know I make my best effort to minimize the bad effect that this will have on my son. Yet he is seen me talking on the phone with girls and he tends to get jealous, since the last three weeks he is been asking me about my girlfriend who I talk to often, and I tried to explain to him that his mother and I love him so very much, although we are separated and that we probably won’t be back together. Steven began to cry a lot and to tell me that his mother love me (which I am absolutely sure it is not true) and that he does not want me to marry any other person and that this is his home and that he wants to be back.. THIS BRAKES MY HEART, ( even as I write this letter to you now, my eyes get red). And I do not know how to handle or how to begin to make him understand the situation without making him feel bad.
I had thought about talking to his mother and to tell her to begin telling him the truth. But I am not so sure of how to access her normal or civilized thoughts since in my opinion she is close minded and heavily influenced by her mother.
I am asking for advice on what will be the best way to address this situation with my son and his mother minimizing the negative effect in my son and his productivity in school. I am ready and willing to do what would be more advisable for the well-being of my son.
One last thing, last year I had an opportunity to move to an European country with a better paid job and business opportunity, I gave up on it unilaterally thinking that I will be a better father to my Steven by been close to him. I wonder if I did wrong. Although I do not feel that way.. none the less the opportunity to move might still be there.
I thank you in advance for the attention to my needs and for your upcoming advice
Best

Carlos
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 11 months ago.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Dear XXXXXos,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I believe that I can help.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I certainly understand and appreciate your very difficult situation

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Steven knows that something is wrong and it makes you appear to be a bad person if you have a girlfriend and he thinks that you and his mother are going to be back together.

Customer:

ok.. i appreciate your attention

Customer:

yes

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

He has to know the truth and you and his mother need to get together with him to tell him.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Her mother is interfering and making the situation worse by doing this.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

It is possible that you could go to a marriage and family therapist together and bring Steven with you? She or he can help you two to explain the situation to him.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

That would be one approach.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

There are also some children's books that will help him to understand the reality of his situation.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

May I give you the names of several useful books?>

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Two Homes by Claire Masurel and Kady MacDonald Denton

Customer:

sure, i think that will help. as per going togheter for therqapy .. I do not see my ex accepting it. as i had proposed it before we even got separated. hshe might only get to think tha ti am trying to get back to her.. and in reality my interest is my son.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :


I understand. I was afraid that your wife would not be willing.

Customer:

Ok. that is a good start, i iwll get to read the books and follow sugerencies. but botXXXXX XXXXXne. we ought to find a way to tel Steven the truth!!! am i right?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

If you take a job in Eastern Europe you might make Steven think that you have abandoned him.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Yes, you are very right. You must tell him.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Do you have family in NYC (I assume you live there by our name)?

Customer:

yes, that is what i tought. that was my main reason no to go anywhere else. i decided and i iwll stay around my son.. i truyuly believe he need me.. i see him happy with me.. i will not intend to get him permanently with me. but i intend to be around his growing up.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

That is the absolutely best thing to do.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

If you have family or close friends that you know, let them help you to tell Steven the truth.

Customer:

yes, I have family in NYC. but ewe live kind of far. I do not take him so often to visit my sister and mother, becasue my sister has her own problems, and with my mama is always the language barrier sinsce my mother only talks spanish and my son unerstand russian and english.. but yes i take my son to visit my mother and sister.

Customer:

ok.. i iwll try the second sugesation with friends..

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Be in a family situation when you tell him and make sure they all give Steven lots of love and support. Tell him that he will not lose his mom or dad or any of his family or the friends who are helping you.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I shall keep Steven and all of your family in my prayers.

Customer:

sure.. i always try that my slef, i usually tell him.. that i love him so much and that when ever he need my help to call me. i gave him a cell phone with my number on it so he can call me whenever he wants. and he does. i also assured him that i will always love him no matter wheree i will be. or whoi he will be with.. i always tell him to count on me..

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

That is wonderful. I wish you great success and believe that you will always be close with him.

Customer:

Mr. Elliot.. I thank you for the time spent .. and i will do what i can for now. i might have to get back to oyu.. as things will develop.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Any time. Just ask for Elliott and I will be delighted to help you.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Warm regards,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Elliot, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC

Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and 2 other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 11 months ago.
Our chat has ended, but you can still continue to ask me questions here until you are satisfied with your answer. Come back to this page to view our conversation and any other new information.

What happens now?

If you haven’t already done so, please rate your answer above. Or, you can reply to me using the box below.
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 11 months ago.
Dear Carlos,

Thank you. May God protect your family.

Elliott

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