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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Family Counselor
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Hello, I am in desperate need of help with my 12 year old daughter.

Customer Question

Hello, I am in desperate need of help with my 12 year old daughter.
We have gone through a lot of emotional thing over the last 2/3 years including my sister passing away because of cancer (she was my daughter favourite aunt), my husband/daughters dad getting sent to prison on remand for something he was later found not guilty off, having to move from our home because of the accusations against my husband so she had to leave her friends and school and we have just had another baby.
Basically my daughter does'nt want to know the baby and more so has no respect and seems to hate us no matter what we do to please her. I wouldnt say we spoil her but my mum gets her whatever she wants and then if she asks us for something big eg xbox/mobile etc and we say no she says you never buy me anything its always my nana who gets me things. I have told my mum not to buy her things again because of this.
Her attitude has changed so much, to the point that she tells us she hates us and wishes us dead. I always expected a change in attitude/personality once she had started high school but nothing as big as this. I do understand she has gone through things most 12 years would never have to deal with and I have allowed for this. I have sat down and tried my best to speak to her, ask her how she is feeling/what she needs from me as a parent and how she would like to be treated but all I get told is to get out of her face.
Its got to the point now that she has started to hit out at me and the final straw was tonight when she pushed me and I was holding my 7 month old baby. I didnt hit out at her but I dragged her to her bedroom by her arm. I really dont know what I can do anymore.
If you have any advice I would be very appreciative. Thank you in advance.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please give me a minute when I end a session with a client of mine, and I will reply to your message. Thanks.

Customer:

ok

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Now, I am here ready to support you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for your patience, Pleas feel free to join the chat when best for you.

Customer:

I would just like some advice on what I can do with my daughter. Thank you

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry, but what you describe in your message is overhwelming

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think you feel this way and to think about the situation is shocking,

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Was your daughter totally fine 2-3 years ago before these events happened?

Customer:

Yes she was the perfect child. Always said please and thank you and never disrespectful to anybody

Customer:

I understand that everything we have gone through has had a massive impact on who she is now

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, then the grief because of the loss of her aunt was truly painful for her, and apparently did not heal from it, and then the shock from the misunderstanding and traumatic accusation against your husband and all the changes that came from that, pushed her this much.

Customer:

I have tried to talk to her about my sister passing but she will not open up to me. She said if she doesnt talk about it them she doesnt need to remember or think about it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I can tell you that unresolved grief itself could be very traumatic, as well as the other circumstances she had to face in those 3-3 years, but at the same time, i can tell you that there is nothing in your behavior as parents at hat time that could justify her behaviors getting literally this abusive.

Customer:

I am just going out of my mind because I love her so much and I just want her back but she seems to be getting so distant. She always tells us she htes us and would rather live in a home for children. It is breaking my heart

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Ten she has not processed anything at all about her loss, and that could explain why she has been acting out this much plus the following traumatic incidents, but again her abusive behaviors are totally unacceptable, and I am afraid that you real and caring love and good intentions , allowing her to be this way, by "doing everything to please her" has just reinforced the abuse and all the distortions she has been developing, leading to the domestic violence you are now undergoing, where even her baby sibling ix under risk.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Your child seems to have developed a serious mental health disorder, perhaps a serious personality distortion triggered by these life issues, rather than caused by them, since it is not normal for a child in her shoes to become this abusive an violent.

Customer:

That is what is scary now. I never thought in a million years she would be like that while I was holding my baby.

Customer:

I think she is jealous of the baby because she has had 12 years of attention all to herself and then all of a sudden a baby comes along that takes so much of my attention away from her.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Most times parents try to compensate the loss of a loved one and other pain from life stressors by giving or allowing too much, and it seems that's what you have been doing , plus the spoiling from her grandmother, which can only make the situation much worse.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

that in contrast with the spoiling and the loss of the aunt. She started to grieve the exclusive dedication you have for her before the baby came, these just pushed her this much, and triggered these serious behavior-disorder.

Customer:

But what can I do to stop it?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Here what she needs the most is healthy and consistent affection and discipline, no form of disrespect of abuse, of any type should be tolerated at all, it's just unacceptable, and allowing it would only make things worse for her and for all of you.

Customer:

I would never allow it and that is why I grabbed her by the arm and took her to her bedroom. I have never hit my daughter and never would and this is why I can not understand why she has started with the behaviour towards me

Customer:

it is something she has never seen

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

First you need to confront her abusive or unacceptable behaviors right away whenever they happen, zero tolerance, and your husband has to be the same, you as a team implementing this approach, really healthy and responsible parenting, with good boundaries, and limits, she must afford full consequences for every choice and action she presents. Obviously her grandmother must stop every spoiling or any other behavior that goes against your parenting and relationship.

Since it is already this serious, it is obvious to me that professianal psychotherapeutic support is essential, including individual, group and family therapy.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Children could and do present these behaviors when feeling entitled, enable to do so, and she does feel this way without doubt otherwise she would never disrespect nor abuse any of you like the ways she does.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

But you need professional support here. from a female professional child psychotherapist, and if necessary from a marriage and family therapist to work together to provide the best support to all of you.

Customer:

Would you suggest I went to see my gp and asked them for some help. I guess you are in America? I am in the Uk and she keeps mentioning that she will ring social services and sometimes I feel like calling her bluff and ringing them myself but I know if I call them they will be on my back for the rest of the childrens life and I only want a little help

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Your GP would be helpless in a situation like this, your daughter doe snot have a physical condition requiring medical treatment, she has a serious mental health /behavioral disorder that requires intensive psychological/behavioral treatment right away by experts.

Customer:

Ok I will try and find one and hopefully this will work. Thank you for all your help.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

She has developed a personality disorder and that is why she is like that, and she will get worse unless you get right professional support right away. sadly there is no perfect easy solution here, all f them present challenges and cons, but you cannot afford allowing this to get worse , otherwise it would escalate and undermine all your family health and well-being, and literally destroy her life.

Customer:

it is getting to that point already. Me and her dad at aways arguing because of her.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. I support you and hope you and your husband could get necessary professional support ASAP, for her and for you to cope with it and support her in effective ways.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You and her father need to be a team working together to make these changes happen for her rehabilitation,and your family well-being

Customer:

we are it just sometimes gets on top of us. Thank you so much for your help and I will find somebody for her and us to speak with

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. I will continue to be here to support you as possible, Please feel free to contact me back to follow up.

Customer:

thank you :)

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Family Counselor
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you

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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist
Parenting Counselor
3189 Satisfied Customers
MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach