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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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My stepson just started the sixth grade. His reading level

Resolved Question:

My stepson just started the sixth grade. His reading level is grade two. Math skills are missing an essential element, which I believe could be the fact that he doesn't know his multiplication tables. He still counts on his fingers. I feel that I can help him, as his father just does his homework for him. We agree he needs help, but I don't get any enforcement and don't feel like I cannot be party to this very bright and personable young man not being given the opportunity to excel, or at least catch up to his grade level. He has had a lot of bad experiences because of his parents not getting along and trying to play the favorite. He has now resorted to manipulating tactics such as crying and talking back when his dad is around, because he knows I will be shut down. He is eleven, and his father still gets up and gets him ready for school, combs his hair, and even walks him to the bus stop. I don't want this to cause anymore problems between his father and myself, but honestly am thinking that I need to remove myself from this toxic cycle. I'm very reasonable, and have asked them both what they think is reasonable, but nothing ever sticks. I'm very intelligent and have two degrees myself and think education is very important. Should I just try to stop caring or trying?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Dear friend,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I believe that I can help.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

This is most frustrating to you and destructive to your relationship.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

If you stop caring and trying then you will be disengaging from the relationship.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

When you say 'remove yourself from this toxic cycle', how far are you willing t go?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

The boy is part of your new family and if you cannot be on the same page with his mother then your relationship will continue to suffer more and more, in my estimation.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

At the very least the boy should be assessed by a child psychologist to see if he has any developmental or learning disabilities, and if there is an organic basis to them, or if they are just due to the emotional trauma he has suffered over the years.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

The father is acting out of guilt by doing so much for him, and is further handicapping him and keeping him from maturing.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You must try to get more of a serious response from your partner. Perhaps taking a small break might give her some time to think.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You started to type. What are your thoughts?

Customer:

How can I go about convincing his father that his son needs a father and not a friend, and that it is important that we provide him with the guidance and structure and responsibilities that he needs? I concur with your assessment, and have tried to explain in every manner I can conceive how important these years of adolescence are. I am willing to remove myself completely, as I care very deeply for this young man, despite his resentment for me, and feel it will be an never ending frustration and possibly, later, a danger to my well being and safety. (I read the news a lot.)

Customer:

Ummm... (small correction) It is the father that does not agree.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Having the desire and intelligence and good will to communicate does not guarantee anything.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

It is not he that you must convince, because he is only tangential to your life, but your partner who must understand and intervene.

Customer:

I agree. Sorry, by him, I meant the father.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

She can take the boy for assessment, and she can enforce changes it she can show that the father is harming the sum.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Or you can exert leverage by taking leave of the situation, as this seems to be the most influence you can wield.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

This is a difference of major principles and you cannot seem to prevent this by yourself. You are correct in your understanding of this situation, but truth without the power to bring it into the light and into action, is not perceived that way and your good intentions are seen as meddling.

Customer:

I suppose I already knew the answer, Elliot. I imagine I just needed validation. Thank you for your time and your advice. I wish there were other alternatives, but I have to think about the effects this will have on me. I will rate you positively. Have a great weekend.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I shall keep you in my prayers. Thank you so much.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and 3 other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
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