People like him are rather liable to push things to see what happens, and what they really need are firm boundaries. Being ‘soft’ just makes you easier to manipulate, and anger just teaches them to be angry when they in turn are faced with a difficult situation.
These boundaries must include keeping his temper, behaving decently towards you and taking responsibilities for his own issues and failures.
He is quite old enough to know about actions and consequences. We humans only indulge in behaviour that brings reward of some kind. Only when that reward (whatever it might be) disappears, or the consequences of our behaviour promise to be unpleasant do we consider changing what we do.
Here is the clue to sorting things out. When you are faced with non-co-operation – give him choices, and make sure he understands the consequences of his choice – and always follow through. If you don’t he’ll just get confused.
Consider what sanctions you might use – any display of temper or disrespect he will be asked to leave immediately and to come back when he is prepared to be civil.
Privileges (such as allowances, food being cooked for him and so on) are just that. Privileges, not rights. These should be reduced or withdrawn as necessary and should be reinstated after he demonstrates that he has earned them by not crossing the boundaries you set.
Ask him too, what he is prepared to do to change his behaviour in future – tell him to research what might help him, what help he feels she needs, and even consider a ‘contract’ between you. In other words, involve him in his own change, with a prospect of a small reward for success. Split the house chores between each other, and let him understand that his share must be complete correctly and on time or there will be adverse consequences.
Never get angry, stay cool and in control, matter of fact and stick to the facts. Avoid drama.
In the end of the day, he may just not choose to respond.
It sounds as if you simply cannot allow him to exploit your love and nurture any more, so it’s time for VERY tough love indeed. Letting him just drift on like this is NOT doing him a favour, it just delays his maturing. I do know the Saudi lifestyle and expat mentality – I lived there for 12 years!
Other than that, you have done all you can. After this, he must live with the consequences of his choices.
Best wishes, NormanM
I spoke with my mom today and she told me to make a chart of chores. Basically my brother has to have 7 chores done by the end of the week to receive $35 on the weekend. For each chore he completes, he gets $5 for it. So for example, because I cook everyday, he must do the dishes everyday for a total of 7 days, and for all of those 7 times he gets $5. So if he does the dishes only twice a week, he gets $1.40 and not the whole $5. Other chores I put down, is cleaning the bathroom once a week, doing his laundry once a week. Sleeping early 5x a week, making his lunch 4-5x, and for things he can get a bonus on would be goodmarks, and completing his homework.
My mom says I can make it tougher on him by deducting money from the things he doesn't do. What do you think?
My brother took a look at the chart and said he didn't like it and that he will only do those chores once he hears of it from mom. So I'm waiting for my mom to talk to him tomorrow, but I somehow feel like he will be doing this every time. I want him to learn to be independent of our parents. Is there anything I can do here, or should I just leave it to my mom to tell him what to do?