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I believe I can help you with this situation.
You have been a very understanding mother and have given your daughter a very mature and supportive form of parenting, which I am sure has been helpful to her.
We live in a culture where we are immersed in sex of all persuasions and it is directed at young girls. So many children today are engaged in sexual activity.
Children in their adolescents are at a point in their life where they begin the process of independence from their parents. That is the psychosocial mission of all adolescents.
She already understands that you support her in exploring her sexuality but first with the proper professional intervention.
Unfortunately, most kids know a lot about sex and she has found that it was an unnecessary step for her to take.
She did not get involved sexually with her boyfriend to go against you. When the two of them are free to be together, sometimes unsupervised, for two years, they get carried away in the moment.
She is also too embarrassed to tell you that she is having an intimate relationship with her boyfriend. Intimate relationships, by their nature, are very private.
She has become sexually active, and perhaps has not been using proper birth control measures, hence the testing kit.
She cannot undo what she has done, but you cannot reveal to her that you breached her privacy and went into her backpack. You will distance her from you if you say anything.
You could say to her something like, "well you and _____ have been together for two years now. If you are having sex, then you must be very cautious about getting pregnant." Don't tell her you know. Give her an opening to say something. She probably will not, as most teenagers will not.
Looking at this on the bright side: she may be young but she is in a monogamous relationship and it has lasted for two years, which shows a great deal of maturity for a girl or woman of any age. She is not promiscuous, but just private as a girl her age would be. She is growing up and becoming a woman, just as you did.
Times were different, but you probably did not tell your mother everything. Most girls don't. She is a normal 21st century Canadian girl, and is probably quite wholesome by community standards.
Appreciate your time with her. Before you know it she will be grown up and away. Savour these moments and keep peace and harmony between you. Please do not cause any thing to drive a wedge between you. That is the best that you can do, and it is a great deal to show restraint and love.
If you have any comments or anything else to add, please let me know. I am hear to help you and ease your mind.
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Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
I have given you great advice but you are in denial about the facts. Therefore, you want to punish me for your daughter's behaviour.
This is not your fault, really, but you did give her a tacit OK about it. She just didn't let you in on her intimate secrets.
Do you feel satisfied now, having given me bad marks on my record for caring and giving you a professional and informed answer? Does that change the situation? Have you learned anything. I know you are angry, but there is nothing that you could do to make things different or better. I told you how not to make things worse, but if you go ahead and let her know that you snooped on her, she will distance herself from you and you will wish you had listened to me wise advice.
I wish you well.
You are a woman of few words, all negative. Perhaps that is part of the problem.
It seems that you have led your daughter to this, and now you are going to try to avoid your own responsibility by giving me negative feedback. Your daughter should see this, and your response. I do hope that you will divert your attention to something constructive to help your daughter. If this is the way you react, then no wonder your daughter does not confide in you. You are too angry and vengeful even if you try to act otherwise. I am not trying to be mean to you, but to help you see. I am a psychotherapist and your pattern of negative replies and denial tell me about you. You can't hurt me. You can only hurt yourself and your daughter. Best wishes.
It sounds like you are in a difficult place and its is understandable with finding the pregnancy test that you are concerned. Being a parent to a 15 year old young woman is definitely a challenge,.
I can understand your apprehension about telling her that you went into her backpack. On one hand, teenagers need a privacy, but they also need to have a parent to guide them in choices they make.
It sound like you know that she is going to perceive you going into her backpack as an intrusion. Getting her upset this point, is not going to help in the big picture.
This is a suggestion.....Why don't you sit down with her and do a bot of a role reversal? Tell her what happened, but use the third person...."An old friend of mine from high school called and asked my advice about a situation. She found a pregnancy in her daughters backpack" This is commonly called a back door approach.
By indirectly approaching the question, you can reduce some of the emotionality of the topic. You can address the pregnancy test and the backpack intrusion in more neutral terms.
I hope this helps to open a dialogue between you and your daughter. Perhaps she picked up the pregnancy test for a friend.
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