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Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1165
Experience:  Licensed as psychologist and marriage and family therapist
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I just found a pregnancy test in my 15 years old daughter backpack.

Resolved Question:

I just found a pregnancy test in my 15 years old daughter backpack. I always have talk's with her about sex. I let her know that when she decides to be sexsualy active ,she can come to me and talk open about it, and that together will reach for all the resource out there so she can get all the proper education from the profecionals.
Now how do I let her know that I went in to her backpack and found the pregnancy test. She is selabrating 2years being in relationship with her boyfriend, so I took this opportunity and let her now that I am here for her any time if she thinks abut having sex.but she don't said anything.
How shoud I aprotch her and letting her now that I think she is having sex,and I want to provide her with all the support?
Submitted: 10 months ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 10 months ago.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Dear friend,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I believe I can help you with this situation.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You have been a very understanding mother and have given your daughter a very mature and supportive form of parenting, which I am sure has been helpful to her.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

We live in a culture where we are immersed in sex of all persuasions and it is directed at young girls. So many children today are engaged in sexual activity.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Children in their adolescents are at a point in their life where they begin the process of independence from their parents. That is the psychosocial mission of all adolescents.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

She already understands that you support her in exploring her sexuality but first with the proper professional intervention.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Unfortunately, most kids know a lot about sex and she has found that it was an unnecessary step for her to take.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

She did not get involved sexually with her boyfriend to go against you. When the two of them are free to be together, sometimes unsupervised, for two years, they get carried away in the moment.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

She is also too embarrassed to tell you that she is having an intimate relationship with her boyfriend. Intimate relationships, by their nature, are very private.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

She has become sexually active, and perhaps has not been using proper birth control measures, hence the testing kit.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

She cannot undo what she has done, but you cannot reveal to her that you breached her privacy and went into her backpack. You will distance her from you if you say anything.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You could say to her something like, "well you and _____ have been together for two years now. If you are having sex, then you must be very cautious about getting pregnant." Don't tell her you know. Give her an opening to say something. She probably will not, as most teenagers will not.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Looking at this on the bright side: she may be young but she is in a monogamous relationship and it has lasted for two years, which shows a great deal of maturity for a girl or woman of any age. She is not promiscuous, but just private as a girl her age would be. She is growing up and becoming a woman, just as you did.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Times were different, but you probably did not tell your mother everything. Most girls don't. She is a normal 21st century Canadian girl, and is probably quite wholesome by community standards.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Appreciate your time with her. Before you know it she will be grown up and away. Savour these moments and keep peace and harmony between you. Please do not cause any thing to drive a wedge between you. That is the best that you can do, and it is a great deal to show restraint and love.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

If you have any comments or anything else to add, please let me know. I am hear to help you and ease your mind.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

If there is nothing else, please leave me positive feedback for my time, care, and professional advice and counsel.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Warm regards,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Dear mother,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I have given you great advice but you are in denial about the facts. Therefore, you want to punish me for your daughter's behaviour.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

This is not your fault, really, but you did give her a tacit OK about it. She just didn't let you in on her intimate secrets.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Do you feel satisfied now, having given me bad marks on my record for caring and giving you a professional and informed answer? Does that change the situation? Have you learned anything. I know you are angry, but there is nothing that you could do to make things different or better. I told you how not to make things worse, but if you go ahead and let her know that you snooped on her, she will distance herself from you and you will wish you had listened to me wise advice.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I wish you well.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Warm regards,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Elliott

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You are a woman of few words, all negative. Perhaps that is part of the problem.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Best wishes,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Elliott

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

It seems that you have led your daughter to this, and now you are going to try to avoid your own responsibility by giving me negative feedback. Your daughter should see this, and your response. I do hope that you will divert your attention to something constructive to help your daughter. If this is the way you react, then no wonder your daughter does not confide in you. You are too angry and vengeful even if you try to act otherwise. I am not trying to be mean to you, but to help you see. I am a psychotherapist and your pattern of negative replies and denial tell me about you. You can't hurt me. You can only hurt yourself and your daughter. Best wishes.

Customer: replied 10 months ago.
Relist: Incomplete answer.
Well I know that she will get very upset with me if I let her know that I went through her privet star. In other words the question was how do I get her to a doctor and get her on birtcontrol?

Expert:  jadt65 replied 10 months ago.

Hi,

 

It sounds like you are in a difficult place and its is understandable with finding the pregnancy test that you are concerned. Being a parent to a 15 year old young woman is definitely a challenge,.

 

I can understand your apprehension about telling her that you went into her backpack. On one hand, teenagers need a privacy, but they also need to have a parent to guide them in choices they make.

 

It sound like you know that she is going to perceive you going into her backpack as an intrusion. Getting her upset this point, is not going to help in the big picture.

 

This is a suggestion.....Why don't you sit down with her and do a bot of a role reversal? Tell her what happened, but use the third person...."An old friend of mine from high school called and asked my advice about a situation. She found a pregnancy in her daughters backpack" This is commonly called a back door approach.

 

By indirectly approaching the question, you can reduce some of the emotionality of the topic. You can address the pregnancy test and the backpack intrusion in more neutral terms.

 

I hope this helps to open a dialogue between you and your daughter. Perhaps she picked up the pregnancy test for a friend.

 

Please let me know if I can provide any additional information. If not, please remember to accept the answer and rate my service.

 

Best,

 

Julie

 

 

Expert:  Dr. L replied 10 months ago.
Hello,
To your question:
How do I get her to a doctor and get her on birth control..

Since she is 15, she is a considered a minor and you have control of her health care. So, that means you can make a doctor's appointment for her. I would call the doctor's office and tell them that you want your daughter to be seen so that she can be prescribed birth control pills. They may want her to see a gynecologist...and that's just fine.

Once you have the appointment made, tell your daughter that it's time to consider birth control as you want her to be protected in case she and her boyfriend decide to become sexual. If she protests, insist that birth control is her best protection against an unwanted pregnancy and that you are looking out for her best interests. Tell her that while you would prefer they not become sexually involved, you realize that after 2 years of being in a relationship that sooner or later they will become sexual.

If you present all of this calmly without any emotion, she is likely to see that you are not angry or upset about this, but rather that the focus is on keeping her safe.

From what you have written, you seem to understand that you can't stop your daughter from being sexual, but you can do something to prevent an unwanted pregnancy. You are being very realistic and your daughter ought to appreciate the way you are handling this.

At 15, your daughter isn't adult enough to understand the real consequences of having sex. No 15 year really thinks they will get pregnant. And while taking birth control may be something she will be okay with, it's likely not something she would ask you to help her with. So you are making it easy for her to keep safe and that's what's important here.

I hope this is the kind of straight forward answer you were looking for.

Please let me know how else I can help you.

Thank you.
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1165
Experience: Licensed as psychologist and marriage and family therapist
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