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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Family Counselor
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Thanks for answering last question

Customer Question

Thanks for answering last question , and this is my new question Doctor Rafael . At our continuous tries to promise him for motivation such as watch Wrestling or play with children abroad AFTER Studying , I found him waiting the motivate in Passion and the percentage of focusing at studying is 10% and 90% at motivation , So for that the studying process Accompanied with Tension from me as parent due for Dispersion and thinking of playing and escape from the studying constraints , So we hit him sometimes when the motivation failed ,, So I need practical solution for letting him study ,, as we see he escape from studying by making strange things such as taking long time at eating , or go to bathroom for long time , etc. , So I need practical steps as we tried the Motivation Policy and hitting , and didn't help !

Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  Josie-Mod replied 11 months ago.

Hi, I'm Josie and I am a moderator for this topic. I sent your requested professional a message to follow up with you here, when he is back online.

If I can help further, please let me know. Thank you for your continued patience.

Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 11 months ago.
Dear Mustafa

I am sorry to answer this late, but I was not able to post before because of the website's policy about customer's ability to get further responses when under limited subscriptions. I hope we could communicate better now.

I am glad to know there was some improvement in this situation, but can see your concern and frustration to the point of physically punishing your son because of his reluctance to study.

What I think you need to understand is that children would do as much as they can to get what they want, and from there try to manipulate parents in different ways. When you say that he does "strange things, like taking too much time eating or staying at the bathroom", it shows how he tries to manipulate and control you, and how easily you could allow him to do so.

This is why I mentioned the need to work on making significant improvements in your parenting skills an strategies. Physical punishment could refrain a child from doing something for a while out of fear, but it would not solve a problem, and can in fact worsen it.

What you need is to set a set of core rules, where he knows what is acceptable and what is not, and these rules must be enforced without exception, all of the time, in that way he would know he will always have to take responsibility for his actions. For example, he would know that there is a time and place for everything, that is is unacceptable to spend too much time eating, that he has a specific period of time for it, and after that, he would have to move to his next activity-responsibility.

Please prioritize, having enough time to read, do home work and study must be number one priorities. If he does not comply with them, then he should not be allowed to play, watch TV, or do any other thing. He should keep working on completing his academic task until he completes it, period. Physical punishment is not necessary not helpful, but you need to make sure he understand this is what he needs to do, that you are the parents, the authority and that he cannot and would not be allowed to disrespect or disobey you . Thus if he does not complete his academic or house chores, then he would not get any TV, games, or wrestling at all, it must be that simple.

If he appears unwilling to obey and study, to be more responsible, then please keep implementing healthy rules, consistent discipline, and I assure you that sooner or later he would start changing his behavior, since he is smart, he knows what he likes and wants, and he would not do things that would go against himself. But you need to show him that he cannot manipulate you any more.

Please consider my invitation to try professional counseling, whether face-to-face where you live, and if unavailable, online. My willingness to support you without obvious limitations this question-answer format presents remains.Please remember, on justanswer.com, your information is NOT confidential, but is public. On pearl.etherapi.com, we can speak confidentially, over a secure network, where I could directly answer all of your questions and together discuss a concrete plan to support you, your spouse and your son around these areas. here I provide the link for you to review if you choose to try it: https://pearl.etherapi.com/connectme/164

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