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Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1723
Experience:  Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Coach Mom of Twins.
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My 7 year old son has never met his father. He lives 4 hours

Resolved Question:

My 7 year old son has never met his father. He lives 4 hours away and I have not seen him since I was 5 months pregnant. I am now 40 and have been in love with him since I was 16. We lived together for 3 years but our relationship at the time was not a healthy one. Drugs and alcohol played a huge role in the abuse that occured. When I became pregnant, I knew I could not raise a child in this environment so I moved home to be with my family. They have helped me tremendously in raising my son. His father is now sober and wants to meet him and be with me also. I want to be a family as well, but afraid of how this is going to affect my son and my parents. Any advice would be appreciated!
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 1 year ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families. I am also a mom of Twins.

CoachJenK :

I am glad he is sober....how long has he been sober? Is he working and living a productive life?

CoachJenK :

Is he in AA or some sort of program to maintain his sobriety?

CoachJenK :

I think it is important for a child to know their parents and if the environment is safe to create a meeting then it seems okay.

CoachJenK :

in terms of getting back together....that seems like it would take some time and not something i would suggest that you jump back into because of old feelings.

CoachJenK :

A lot of time has gone by and ways of relating are different especially since there was abuse and drugs in the relationship.

CoachJenK :

I would be cautious and maybe see him first and evaluate how his life is and his intentions and go from there.

CoachJenK :

you are doing right by your child by thinking about it but also by being cautious.

CoachJenK :

your parents are concerned as well and this is out of protection.

CoachJenK :

proceed slowly and with caution.

CoachJenK :

hi

CoachJenK :

why the poor rating?

CoachJenK :

we just begun. did you mean to rate my work poorly?

Customer: Your advice is very general and in my opinion, not worth my money
CoachJenK :

I am sorry you feel that way. I dont believe it was genreal at all but rather gave you specifics on what I suggest.

CoachJenK :

practical steps to move forward with it

CoachJenK :

I asked some questions that you did not respond to and that would also help in knowing how to proceed.

Customer: He is in AA and working and paying child support
CoachJenK :

Excellent. that is all positive. Are you okay to proceed slowly with him? Have you seen him yet or not in these 8 years?

CoachJenK :

If you have not seen him then I would set up a time to meet with him to reconnect and talk and make a plan for him to see his son...but only after you are comfortable in his presence and feel that it would be safe for your child.

Customer: I have not seen him and that makes me nervous. When we talk though it's as if no time has past at all. I have tried to be in several other relationships but can't make it work because of my feelings for him and the fact that we have a child together.
CoachJenK :

I understand your feelings are still strong for him. and because you have not seen him, that is why I strongly suggest you do so maybe even more than once to get reacquainted first and then go from there...if things move along well then you will know when it is time to have him see his Son.

CoachJenK :

Slow and steady is a great way to proceed here.

CoachJenK :

you both have intense feelings and I dont want those to blur and confuse the situation. there is plenty of time to reconnect and be a family if that is how it will end up so take it slow, step by step

Customer: If he were to come here, he would have to stay with us because of money. There is no way I could not have the two of them together. I really am not comfortable driving there
CoachJenK :

My gut says that is too big of a step for a first meeting after 8 years.

CoachJenK :

does he have another friend close by where he could stay?

CoachJenK :

hard to fit back into family role when there hasnt been one and that can be overwhelming for your son and for all.

Customer: No there is no one else here he could stay with. What if I did take my son there?
CoachJenK :

I dont believe all staying together is a great first step. I believe a meeting between the tow of you first to reconnect is what I suggest.

CoachJenK :

8 years is a long time, there is a lot of history and your son does not know him and the two of you dont know each other in this new way either. puts a lot of stress on things.

CoachJenK :

how long is the drive for him to come see you first for the day without your son

Customer: 4 hours
CoachJenK :

I think it is doable for him to pick a day when you son is in school. drive to see you so the two of you can spend a few hours talking, getting to know each other again and go from there. I know it is not what you want, but I feel the best way to begin this process.

Customer: Ok thanks. I have to go to work- how do I talk to you again?
CoachJenK :

you can request me by putting for CoachJenK at the beginning of your question. I am hoping you will offer a positive rating now as the poor rating reflects poorly on my support.

CoachJenK :

I am here to support you again.

CoachJenK :

Can I support you any further now?

Customer: I apologize for that! One more thing, how will I know when it is the right time to put it all together?
CoachJenK :

Great question. when the connection between the two of you feels right by open communication, what yuo believe his role is now at the beginning, and if you see that his behavior has truly changed and feels safe for you.

CoachJenK :

if there are red flags while spending time together please do not ignore them.

Customer: Thank you!
CoachJenK :

my pleasure and thank you for sticking with me.

CoachJenK :

I hope I have given some direction and comfort.

Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1723
Experience: Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Coach Mom of Twins.
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