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JACUSTOMER-jkqny9ef-
JACUSTOMER-jkqny9ef-, Teacher
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 20
Experience:  K-12 teacher w/ licenses from NV, FL and OH
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I am confused and saddened by my 19 year old daughters recent

Customer Question

I am confused and saddened by my 19 year old daughter's recent actions. She had been staying with me for the summer after her freshman year of college. She wanted to get a job and save money for the next school year spending money. Her father and I are divorced but amicable and share in the expense of her education tuition and room/board. I moved her back May 15th, she visited her dad for 2 weeks and then started working at a job where she was hired on the spot (waitressing). She was working alot of hours, making great tips but was continually mopey and down. She refused to talk about what was bothering her. This negativity escalated when her15 yr old brother joined us for a few weeks this summer, as well. She became nearly unbearable making snide comments and saying she just didnt care about anything; her weight, getting a car for school next year (I had agreed to help her) etc. This AM she told me that she bought an airline ticket yesterday to visit her dad in Iowa until school next month, quit her job and was packing her room. She says she is unhappy/miserable here and cannot figure it out so wants to go somewhere else to see if these feelings change. I am devastated. She refuses to get counseling, wont eat right or take vitamins or exercise. She was on Prozac and wellbutrin a year and a half ago but weaned off about 9 months ago and was most recently using St Johns Wort but now refuses anything. I told her I was hurt but support her decision to take care of herself how she feels she needs to. She left this afternoon.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  JACUSTOMER-jkqny9ef- replied 1 year ago.

JACUSTOMER-jkqny9ef- : Hi there, I will attempt to help with advice on your situation.
JACUSTOMER-jkqny9ef- : What is your daughters social life like?
Customer:

that was an issue here definitely. she doesnt have friends where I live - its quite remote. She did start to "hang out" with one coworker but just a couple of weeks ago

Customer:

at school, she is very social

JACUSTOMER-jkqny9ef- : Firstly, I see that there was and or is currently medication involved. I assume that a doctor monitored her discontinuing the anti-depressant
JACUSTOMER-jkqny9ef- : This is always should always be something that a medical doctor should be involved with.
Customer:

no she did that on her own but very gradually. i had taken prozac in the past and weaned off. her psychiatrist was in Iowa and we are in CA. she moved here last year after her HS graduation.

JACUSTOMER-jkqny9ef- : I think you are doing the correct thing letting her go. That doesn't mean that she shouldn't be responsible for telling you in a reasonable amount of time her choices.
Customer:

yes it was very shocking. i had no idea she was at that point.

Customer:

I am trying not to feel responsible

Customer:

but i was also trying to let her be independent to a degree

JACUSTOMER-jkqny9ef- : With mother/daughter relationship I think it is fair that you are frustrated. I have learned that writing it down can take some emotion out of it.
Customer:

ok. i firmly believe we are all responsible for our own happiness. i just wish i could've helped more. guess that is the mother side of me

JACUSTOMER-jkqny9ef- : Girls her age may respond to texting. Share your love and support, as well as your frustration. Allow her to internalize it with feeling forced to respond immediately.
Customer:

ok thats a good idea. i did text her already and told her i hope she got to the hotel ok and to let me know when she gets to chicago tomorrow. that i love her no matter what

JACUSTOMER-jkqny9ef- : I would suggest writing down your frustrations and concerns and then prioritizing them, so you can remove your emotion.
JACUSTOMER-jkqny9ef- : And not overwhelm her when talking to her
Customer:

ok

JACUSTOMER-jkqny9ef- : She is obviously working through a tough time and she should be given credit for doing something about it, however she does need to know what she did that bothers you.
Customer:

it was hard for me because my signif other thought i should be tougher with her. that i didnt have any backbone. but i knew she was struggling that would likely backfire

Customer:

yes i told her that, too. that i would support her decision to help herself. but that I also believe she should eat better, exercise, etc to help w her emotional state

Customer:

the lack of friends here was huge too, i know

JACUSTOMER-jkqny9ef- : Maybe approach it with a social twist. Share with her some cool things that you found in her current location. Bike club, rock climbing group...
JACUSTOMER-jkqny9ef- : If she is happy socially, normally the rest will come...
JACUSTOMER-jkqny9ef- : If mom is telling what to do, she will resist. Take the angle of helping by giving her suggestions.
Customer:

she grew up there so she will search out her friends that are home i am sure. School is just a month away so that def help too

Customer:

i will continue to make suggestions. thats really what i have done before.

Customer:

i appreciate your feedback.

JACUSTOMER-jkqny9ef- : It truly sounds like you are fighting to keep a healthily balance. Keep strong. I would also be careful with the anti-depressants as it does affect a younger brain differently. If you can get her to get a check-up, it can't hurt.
Customer:

i will keep trying thank you

Customer:

i was so happy that she wanted to live her so its very hard for me to see her leave like this

Customer:

*here

JACUSTOMER-jkqny9ef- : If I can help in any other way, let me know. It is a diifficult thing to let your baby go, however with the care you are showing; she will come back to you.
Customer:

thanks much! have a great night

JACUSTOMER-jkqny9ef-, Teacher
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 20
Experience: K-12 teacher w/ licenses from NV, FL and OH
JACUSTOMER-jkqny9ef- and 2 other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  JACUSTOMER-jkqny9ef- replied 1 year ago.
Thank you for the bonus, that was very nice of you. Stay honest about your feelings without getting too emotional with her. You sound very supportive and loving about how you are dealing with the situation and I am confident that it will work for you, even though there may some rough waters to wade before you get there. Stay strong!
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I reached out to my daughter with a proposal. She really wants a car at school this year (sophmore). I sent her an email (she said she didnt want to text or call) offering to pay for her flight back to CA to my home to pick up a car I just bought and take her belongings to school. If she doesnt do that, she has boxes here that she will need to ship and it will be quite expensive not to mention she wont have a car. I asked her to let me know by tomorrow so I can purchase the ticket in the 2 week discount period.




I talked to her dad who had mentioned the email and my offer to her to get a gauge on what she is thinking. He said he was surprised. She isnt too keen on the idea.




I am at a loss as to what I have done to upset her so much that she doesnt want to come back with me for a week before school and pick up a car to keep at school and to drive her belongings.




I am hurt that she wont talk to me and doesnt want to come here. Not sure how to cope. I am depressed and it affects the rest of my life. Suggestions?


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