Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective
I believe that I can help.
By traditional standards, this is not acceptable behavior and will teach your 13 year old that this is acceptable.
Legally, the 19 year old is committing a felony, for which I am sure you do not want to punish her. (It is called statutory rape). If you allow this then you are legally aiding and abetting in this crime.
I am not judging you and I understand that teenagers are sexually active in the majority of cases.
This is a question of outside morality, but really of the morality of your family and it may be OK with your family.
Firstly, may I just say this is my Boyfriends son and his 19 year old girlfriend.
It is a question of personal choice.
In his home, not mine.
I told him that he shouldn't allow it
OK. I understand this. Whose 13 year old is it?
Needed a professional to advise here.
You have stated your opposition to this very clearly and you are not responsible or liable for this.
I am giving you professional advice.
I believe in NY 17 is a consenting age. Correct?
What is significant is the harm that is done to the various members involved, including to your relationship with your boyfriend.
It may have been lowered to 17 but was 18 when I lived there.
This is basically a question of individual morality.
I am on the verge of ending my relationship with him because he has no backbone with his son.
You have a strong moral code and a sense of right and wrong and you are very much troubled by this. If your boyfriend does not have the moral fiber that you hoped he would, and you feel that he is failing you and more importantly failing his children, then you will be continually disappointed with him - and very sad.
I imagine you have had conversations with him about this. You cannot tell him how to raise his children, but you do not have to accept him either.
This is not what you are looking for in a relationship. You want and deserve joy and not sorrow.
Do you believe you can continue in this relationship?
It is hard to be with someone that you do not respect.
This event happened. Last night. I went over there this morning and the girl was in his room.
Did you or anyone say anything about this?
The younger son knows it happened. My BF discussed this Monday, to tell him NO
But the son does not mind his father and the father does not follow-up, I presume.
rephrase your question please
The son does not listen to what his father tells him to do even if he is a minor child living under his father's roof. Shen he does not listen to him (mind him) then the father lets the son have his way and loses all moral and parental authority. He does not act firmly as a parent should.
Correct, Yes. My BF father walked out on him when he was 7 years old, so he doesn't set proper boundries and limits with HIS CHILDREN
This is an issue of two different points of view of morality and child rearing. If it is not a legal issue, then it is a moral one. You and your boyfriend see things differently. If he agrees with you, then he is a weak person and has lost your respect. This is why you are so sad - because he has let you down.
HE NEVER LEARNED HOW, in my opinion, Because he had NO Role Model
He did not have a proper role model and now he is perpetuating the same weak or absent father role.
We both said the same thing at the same time. :)
yes we did :)
THIS IS KILLING ME THOUGH
I DONT WANT TO FIGHT WITH HIM
I LOVE HIM
AND HIS CHILDREN
So now that we see eye-to-eye on this, what are your option? You don't want to lose this relationship because you are bonded with this family. You will have to convince your boyfriend to take a stronger role.
To that end you might do very well by going to a few counseling sessions (family therapy) - not just you and him, but after an initial session, the kids as well.
ALL of you will benefit and your bf will begin to understand his role as mentor and the one that sets the standards.
He refuses to go, he thinks therapy is a waste of time. I already suggested it in the past with pas t issues
That is too bad because it is what he needs. I can recommend a book for him.
It is a shame that he will not try to do better. Does he understand how deeply this troubles you and how it is hurting his relationship with you? He MUST consider your feelings. You are not wrong.
Can you endure this if nothing changes? That is the most important question for you.
Firstly, Thank you for putting this in perspective for me.
I wrote down the name of the book and author.
It hurts you more than anyone else. You are quite welcome.
I have been feeling very sad in my relationship with him now for a long while.
You can save, print, and/or come back to this chat anytime.
Feels good to tell someone like you. :(
Thank you so much. Is it more than just this parenting issue?
We have problems because of his children and disagreements on boundries and limits with his children, and
how to handle them.
You ultimately have no effective input.
He withhold information from me, which hurts me
Which shows that he knows you are right.
I find out things on the back end, after they occur
Otherwise he wouldn't hide them from you.
but then, why doesn't he just do the right thing?
from the start?
listen to me?
He is weak and does not know how to lay down the rules. He is perhaps afraid that he will lose his sons if he doesn't give them their way. He does not want to experience the loss of father-son relationship again, even if the circumstances are different.
He may know you are right but he is too frightened to do otherwise.
BUT He Is WILLING to LOSE ME?? OVER THEM?
Most loving parents would choose their children over their significant other even if it seems irrational.
Is this where you think this is headed?
Have you told me this?
told HIM this?
Yes. I have
And his response? (and does he believe that your are serious?)
In the past, I have been with him for 6 years, in his mind he always Fixed everything, between us, in His Mind. I tell him on a regular basis that these kids and no boundries, limits on them are tearing us apart. He denies it
he doesn't believe the truth, that I am about done
with it all
Love is not suppose to hurt like this, for me
That is because you have taken no action to show him that you are doing more than "complaining", as he sees it.
I am Not Happy with Him, His Kids or this Situation
Love should NOT hurt. Love should bring joy and you should be part of the family, including child-rearing and decision making.
LOL....YES YOUR RIGHT
IT IS TRULY DYSFUNCTIONAL
I AM IMBARRASSED BY IT ALL
I Need To SET a Boundry with HIM
If you have come to the end of your rope then you can find a therapist who you can truly trust (having a degree and license does not guarantee anything). Make a tentative appointment and tell your boyfriend that if he wants to see you again then it will have to be in that office on such and such a date. If not, then everything is off. This will set a boundary and make him choose to fix things or throw everything away. You have to be ready to do this, and I know that as a strong person, you will stick with it if you decide to start this process.
Can we come to you? Where are you located?
I wish you could. If I tried to tell you my address or phone or email the computers would block it and I probably would be fired. :(
I am far from NY (I can say KY) but I am a native of Manhattan.
ok. your giving me very excellent advice Elliott. I agree with you totally. If I want to go to therapy Alone, can I consult with you on here?
You can look at www.psychologytoday and enter city and state and then narrow your search and see a big list from which you can further decide. You can call them and have free preliminary "meeting" on phone.
Absolutely, any time, just ask for me by name. Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Can you be my on line therapist?
Yes, of course.
how do I connect with you on here?
whats the process?
Ask for me by name at the top of your question.
ok. do you work specific times? if so, what are your hours? EST
You can do it under PARENTING.
I am on and off a lot usually 7 days a week and sometimes have live clients in office, or phone or email clients through my own private practice.
ok. can I leave a message on here, somehow, for a therapy session?
We will connect. Remind me who you are (Woman from NY with weak boyfriend)/
"FOR ELLIOTT LPCC, NCC - would like to chat about my situation. I am woman from NY."
can I say, Dee from ny? or no?
just say woman from ny with BF with Absent father?
That will get my attention. Put a long time limit. You do not have to accept anybody else. Just write and say you only want to talk to Elliott and then relist the question.
Say Dee from NY and I will remember you.
Are you from the city?
Ok Elliott. I will. Thank you so much for your help. I will try to get up the courage to tell him that if we are to go on as a couple, he has to meet me at the therapist office on such and such a day and time.
If he loves you he will do that and a lot more to keep such a wonderful woman in his life.
Probably MENTAL HEALTH would be a better category than parenting. As long as you do not have a subscription I can answer your question.
Thank you for words of validation. I feel better telling you and you have comforted me a lot. I am a very good woman. Nurturing, loving, kind. I live in orange county ny. approx. 1 hour north of the city.
I would say RELATIONSHIP but there is no chat option.
I know where it is.
Warm, regards XXXXX XXXXX Dee.
Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
I will stay in touch. Thank you again Elliott :)
You are very welcome. :)
I will contact you later today or tomorrow. ciao XXXXX XXXXX