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Hello, I'm having relationship problems with my fiance since his 20 yr daughter moved in with us 8 months ago. It is a strange situation, I knew them before the seperation and was a friend to his now ex. She constantly suspected and believed he was and also had cheated on her. My boyfriend at the time worked with this man and told me the guy was innocent, i also had friends I knew that worked with him and got the same reply so I relayed this info to her but she didn't believe it and continued to suspect him even fokkowing him to work and sitting there all day to try and catch him in the act, she never did. He eventually tired of his wifes untrust and they seperated 6 1/2 yrs ago in. Their daughter was 14 at the time and stayed with her mother. He got his own place and worked steady to also pay her rent and bills and buy whatever their daughter needed. Then in Apr. 2010 he and I started seeing each other, by now I was not a friend to his ex anymore as after years of knowing her couldn't stand her negative and suspitious nature. He started divorce proceedings with his wife. Meanwhile she and her daughter calling me every name under the sun in emails. I realize I took their financial freedom cash cow away and now they had to face the real world. Skip ahead to Nov. 2012. Their daughter was living with her mother in a town 120 miles from here and then mom got into a relationship and the boyfriend couldn't get along with The daughter because of the fact that shes lazy and privilegded and spoiled so mom set here up in an apt. The daughters 4 yr on line fiance ( they have met in person several times and are in love) paid the rent and utilities, the daughter got part time jobs but short lived. The mom then moves to another town, now the daughter is alone in the town where she lives and dosent want to be there. So my fiance (her father) and I discussed it and told her she could live with us until her papers come through for here to move to the states to marry her fiance. My life has been pure hell since the day she walked in, I had hoped we could work out a peaceful living environment and get along. She is nice enough to me to my face but still hates me and I can feel it. I've tried gently to ask her to contribute to housecleaning. That didn't work so I had a talk with her father about her helping out with chores. Oh I forgot to mention she came with an unhouse trained puppy. So anyway because I know shes had a rough go I want her to feel loved and wanted here and to know she will always have a safe place to fall here. Well after months of giving her every oportunity to behave like the responible adult she claims to be, she still dosent get it. She has never dusted and I've told her how much dust the dog stirs up when he's playing on the carpet. She uses our car but dosent clean it. Part of the problem is that because she lives in her room because she plays computer games for at least 12 hrs' a day that shes not part of the house getting messy. I'm no clean freak and have my own lazinesses. But the common areas of the house I do keep clean. She tells me she just dosen't see dirt the way I do. I have told her the stairs to the basement need to be swept and I finally do it cuz the hairballs the size of baseballs are very noticable and I can't stand it, Most of these past few months I've just bit my tounge and do all the chores and cooking resenting it more every day, I feel horrible for my man because hes in the middle, i"m afraid I will lose him at the cost of not losing myself. I have raised 3 of my own kids they are all grown and on their own 2 of then have given me granchildren. I have suffered with deppression most of my adult life and this situation is pulling me back into a deep depression. We were sooooo happy and sooooo in love, how can I fix this and not lose him? I know I rattled on forever I hope you can make heads or tails out of it, and Thank you so much for you're time. Sincerely; Pam
Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about this very frustrating and painful situation. It sounds truly overwhelming.
I have to say that your story shows objective insight about your reality, and that current situation exists not because of any fault in your actions, but obviously because of the lack of maturity and irresponsibility of your fiance's daughter, and his passivity enabling her abusive ways all this long.
What you described shows you have tried very hard all this long to make things work, as pleasant as possible for all of you, while on the other hand, she has kept this very unhealthy approach, where she takes no responsibility whatsoever, nor cares about you, to the point of not being even respectful, obviously not grateful towards you and the support you have offered to her.
Your actions consistently show how much you care about your fiance and have tried to support his daughter as much as possible, but he's shown not the same, since he's allowed her to be there without holding any accountability, being disrespectful, using and abusing the trust and affection you have offered, and anybody in your shoes would feel very depressed and hopeless because of it. You have been rehabilitating from your own depression and there is no doubt current painful reality is deeply impacting in your mental health, undermining your rehabilitation process, pushing you more and more each day.
It's very sad and frustrating, since you truly love this person and have done everything on your power to make things work, but I have to say that this has not been not reciprocrated at all, otherwise he would never have allowed any form of disrespect or abuse from her, but his passivity and actions shows he's been enabling her the whole time, and spoiling and adult, distorting her this much, even when it literally hurts and damages another person, like your very life partner is just unacceptable and doesn't say any good thing about his affection and caring about you and your well-being.
You have not mentioned anything about her being physically or mentally disable, but a person who is a young adult, who takes no responsibility at all, has no productive life, does not show respect nor collaborate at all at home, and whose father enables and support such abusive ways for all this long. I am sorry but that does not show healthy, nor compassionate or supportive love from your fiance but the opposite. I do not see how you could truly start taking good care of yourself without setting healthy and clear boundaries and limits in your relationship, confronting all the neglect and disrespect undermining it, for your fiance to start holding accountability for the situation, and working on making all necessary and basic changes for this abusive and destructive reality to end.
It's by experiencing challenges, problems and tough life issues that we truly know about the nature and strength of feelings and how much we truly care for those who are close to us. If when facing difficulties a person who says he loves you, allows and enables anybody to use, abuse, or disrespect you, such actions do not show healthy and fulfilling love and caring, but a very selfish and dysfunctional way of sharing and feeling, since totally disregards XXXXX XXXXX integrity happiness and well-being. Relationships are suppose to exist for couples to become their best possible supporters, to "mutually" care and help each other, not to neglect, use or abuse each other. Having an adult child should not be used as a justification for any form of abuse or neglect like happens in this situation.
If you want to keep this relationship the way it is, you would need to continue holding in the pain, the abuse and neglect, and as you said, you would be self-sabotaging and giving away your health and sanity because of it, which is something I would never suggest anybody in your shoes to do at all. On the other hand, what I suggest is you to confront every unacceptable behavior, being %100 honest and pen towards him, setting healthy boundaries and limits, asking him to do the same, in order to take good care of himself, to start respecting and supporting you, and also to start playing a healthy role in his daughter's life, since his current approach directly deepens further very serious distortions in her personality, mind, heart and life, what could only lead her to further and absolute unhappiness and dysfunction in her life.
I suggest you to look for individual psychotherapy to get the best possible support to effectively cope and take good care of your well-being and rehabilitation, and to seriously consider couples counseling, hoping he would be willing and responsible enough to acknowledge the serious issues he has created and enabled, and have the necessary willingness and maturity to work on making all necessary changes in this situation. This would be the best anybody in your shoes could do to promote healthy and necessary improvements, everything else depends on him. I truly hope this makes sense to you.
Thank you sooo much for your advice so far. I also need to mention that if her dad or I mention we're going somewhere be it camping or overnight out of town she automatically assumes she going. we can't go out for dinner or drinks either cuz taking her makes it that much more expensive.
The scenarios you describe show how abusive this person has become, but no form of abuse -except physical one- could happen unless the other people involved allow or enable it. She is this dysfunctional, selfish and abusive because she can, because she knows her father allows and enables such manipulation giving her that power. This is about codependency, which is a serious addiction that must be addressed, and part of your job is to set clear and healthy boundaries and limits and to stick to them without exception, that way you would not perpetuate this vicious and destructive circle. Obviously, consistent psychotherapy for each of them plus family counseling appear to be necessary, and i suggest joining a support group for codependency too, as a way to complement the benefits of therapy.
I feel I am losing myself, things that used to bring me enjoyment no longer do. I have no desire to go out with friends, get out in nature, do hobbies or crafts all the things i did for me and the betterment of spiritual growth. The woman my man fell in love with is slowly disapearing and I think it because I no longer feel like the woman of the house. anything that I relate to my husband to get more involvement around the house from his daughter is said to her in sercret and I am never included so I feel like theres no unity or respect. Thanks again for your insight, Pam