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Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question

Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Family Counselor
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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I found out through my 8-year old sons school today that he

Customer Question

I found out through my 8-year old son's school today that he and another boy in his class had experimented with each other at my house. I am in shock. Not sure what to do.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I can see your concern with this situation. Could you please clarify what you mean by "experimented with each other"?

Customer :

My son was called into the principles office to talk about saying something vulgar "suck my ****" - unfortunately that wasn't the worst of it. In talking to him they found out that he and a friend in his class (another boy) had done this at my house on their last play date.

Customer :

The principle suggested I not make a big deal out of this and calmly explain that experimentation is normal but is also something they shouldn't be doing. But quite frankly my head is swimming.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see. Thank you for clarifying. How did the school staff handle it and what was the way you addressed it with your son?

Customer :

They talked to him and told him they would need to let their parents know - but that they weren't in trouble. They suggested we not ask too many questions to make a big deal out of it.

Customer :

I'm in shock. I have no idea how to tell my husband this - and what the best way is to handle this.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This and similar behavior, from watching each other to touching and even masturbation are normal behaviors out of curiosity and part of sexual development, affected by the sexual education the child receives. Exploration is normal but a child this age and younger should already know very well because of education by parents and teachers which behaviors are not adequate.

Customer :

My son said it started with a game and that his friend suggested it. He said he was afraid to tell me because I'd be mad.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

well, this is about your son's health and well-being, and is a normal aspect of his development, then it should not imply a problem for you to talk with your husband about it, since he needs to play an active role in his education as you do.

Customer :

He said he didn't want to do it - but he obviously went along with it. This concerns me also.

Customer :

He really does not seem to understand the gravity of the situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Social pressure and curiosity, fueled by tabu around sexuality are the most common factors leading to situations like this, and the best approach is to take them as good chances to reassess the soundness of the sexual education parents and educators provide to children, improving further openness, honesty and trust in your communication and relationship.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then that means he has not received necessary sexual education, and again this should be taken as a unique opportunity for you, your husband and the school to improve the support and education you provide to him.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Any form of tabu must be eradicated, and avoidance to discuss and work on any issue or fear should be eliminated too, otherwise children would not learn in healthy ways necessary information leading their development and growth as healthy and functional children, teenagers and then to become stable and fulfilled adults.

Customer :

I told him I was upset that this happened at our house because I thought having friends over here was a better way to prevent things like this happening. But that I wasn't mad at him. I told him I was upset with myself. I told him saying what he said at school was a different issue than what happened at the house. He didn't want to talk about it - he was crying and went to sleep after listening to me. Now he is watching tv like normal. But his Dad is on his way home. I want to talk to him alone.

Customer :

Do you think I should take him to see a counselor about this?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you have doubts about how to provide effective sexual education to your children, please look for good reading about the topic and consider parenting classes too, which could become very helpful in situations like this.

Customer :

I have doubts about how to best handle this - I am capable of providing sex education.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do not see the need for your son to get counseling, but would recommend you and your husband to consider at least a couple of counseling sessions as the most direct and effective way to address the challenges you seem to be undergoing because of this incident. there are many good books providing good insight and tools for parents to support their children in scenarios like this and to provide good sexual education.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

His reactions shows how he feels about it and it could lead to reinforce the negative connotation associate with sexuality, the tabu that lead to distortions, and that's the last thing you want to promote. I truly believe this incident is an ideal chance for you and your husband to improve the sexual education you provide to your son, while deepening good communication and sharing, which would lead you even closer and promote a more fulfilling relationship with each other and as a family.

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