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Heidi LPC
Heidi LPC, Psychotherapist
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 234
Experience:  Licensed Professional Counselor
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My son is 20 yrs old he has been dating a lady who is 49 yrs

Customer Question

My son is 20 yrs old he has been dating a lady who is 49 yrs old for the past 18 months.
During this time I have told him how I feel about their relationship, as I feel that she is taking adventage of him, and come into his live at a very vunerable time in his life.
On the weekend we were at a family gathering and his girlfriend confronted me in regard to my feelings about their relationship and wanted my approval, due to her being under the influence I did not tell her what I really felt just that I am uncomfortable with their relationship and that I will never give them my approval. She continued to argue the point and state that I was shallow and unreasonable and should be happy that my son is in love and happy, she contunied to tell me that my son adores me and sees me in her and I should be happy that my son has found someone like me. I stated that these are my feelings and I own them, and I am not happy that my son is dating someone like his mum and 11 years older then me, yet she continued to attack me. My son was in ear shot of this conversation and she had no respect for him or my other family that were around at the time.
I have not slept since this converastion as my son has distant himself from me, we were very close though I feel that the outcome of this argument has caused distantance between us.
I have expressed to my son 6 months ago that I feel that she is using him, a predator, she talks down to him and orders him around as if she is his mother and not a girlfriend.
I don't know what to do, am I being unreasonable that my son is dating someone 29 yrs older then him, that I would of liked something different for his first relationship?
I am so worried about this, as I am bi-sexual and open with my boys, have friends who are in relationships with older and younger people (by only 5-10yrs), also have gay friends and I believed up until this situation that I was a very non judgemental person. Though this is not sitting with me and hate the feeling of my son with this women who I do believed preyed on him at a time in which he was going through a difficult time and he is confussing this with love?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  Josie-Mod replied 1 year ago.
Hi, I'm a Moderator for this topic. I've been working hard to find a professional to assist you right away, but sometimes finding the right professional can take a little longer than expected.


I wonder whether you're ok with continuing to wait for an answer. If you are, please let me know and I will continue my search. If not, please let me know and I will cancel this question for you. Thank you!
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I am happy to wait for a reply as I need some sort of advice or information from a non bais party to help me through this situation as I am lost at what to do and feel I am loosing my son due to my feelings of his relationship with this women, I have lost many days of sleep and I am very anxious over this situation.
Thank you
Expert:  Josie-Mod replied 1 year ago.
Thank you for your continued patience. We will continue the search for a professional for you.
Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 1 year ago.

Hi there! My name is XXXXX XXXXX I am a licensed psychotherapist. I hope to be of some assistance with your question. I am sorry that you are stuck in the middle of such a complicated situation, and can totally understand your feelings of frustration and sadness.

 

It seems a bit like an imbalance of power in regards XXXXX XXXXX son's relationship. He was clearly attracted to something about her; maybe it was a maternal feeling, maybe it was security and a feeling of being safe under her direction, maybe he has stretched his own personal relationship/sexual boundaries due to the fact that he was exposed to your own open-minded and fluid expressions of your own. Whatever it is, it is. Now you are left to cope with your own feelings. And this is the issue.

 

Our job as parents is simply to give our kids roots, and give them wings. We have visions for our kids, but inevitably, it is their life to live. I see the relationship as you do; I feel there is probably an unhealthy aspect to it due to the fact that he is so young, inexperienced, and vulnerable in a way. However, he is over 18 and free to make his choices. You have your own simple choice to make now; will you disconnect from him based on your discomfort with this relationship? Or will you continue to love him and stay connected despite it? You never have to accept it. You never have to condone it. However, your relationship with your son is what is at stake. You can tell him that you love him unconditionally but don't condone the relationship, and that you have serious concerns about the choice he is making. And then, leave it at that. Some lessons cannot be taught through talk---- they must be experienced through living. I say just be there and be ready to catch him once he falls, because generally speaking and in my opinion, someone of his age will most likely move on after a period of time. You can love your son and let him know this... and in the meantime, just go on with life and know that this too shall pass.

 

I hope you find in my reply some food for thought, and I will work with you until you are satisfied that you have gotten what you needed from the answer. I wish you all the best and know that time will work it's magic on this one... just hang in there and treat yourself kindly and with care until it does!

Heidi LPC, Psychotherapist
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 234
Experience: Licensed Professional Counselor
Heidi LPC and 2 other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 1 year ago.
And one more thing to add: let him know that if he ever feels unsafe, if he feels that he is being manipulated, used, abused or just gets scared in some way, that you are there. He may just need that confirmation and support in the event that he starts to see things differently. My best to you!
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you for your infomation, I have told him that I will always be there and how I feel about the situation and his relationship right at the beginning and again in April this year when I wittness the way in which she speaks to him. And he understood this and we left it at that. Up until the event at the family event where she has confronted me. And now this has caused a divied us to an extent that I have never felt with him before. I feel that she is trying to cause this divided and has added to my concerns as she is threatened by how close we are.
I will continue to battle on and as you stated hopefully over time he will be able to leave the relationship as he has changed his job prospects and moved in with her this week which concerns me more though I know there is nothing I can do but be there for him when he needs me. It is just so hard to sit by and watch this unfold.
Again thank you for your valuable time and information.
Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 1 year ago.
It is my pleasure to try to offer my viewpoint... I know that it isn't easy to sit back and watch a loved one make decisions that we can see may have negative repercussions. As we cannot change anyone else in life except ourselves, you will have to just trust that what goes around comes around, so take care of yourself and wait to see what karma has in store. Please let me know if I can ever be of further assistance to you, and hang in there!

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