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Ask RealSupport Your Own Question
RealSupport
RealSupport, Family Counselor
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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I have taught my 3 daughters to be respectful and not wasteful

Customer Question

I have taught my 3 daughters to be respectful and not wasteful in all areas of their lives. If they are served food that is not their favorite, they should be polite and eat it, unless they are allergic to it. One time will not endanger their lives. My oldest refused to eat a meal I made that had an ingredient in it that she did not care for. I had not the time nor the energy to make her a separate meal which I have done in the past. We had an argument earlier and so at dinnertime she refused to eat the meal. Of course choosing not to eat is an adequate option to me, but she will return to the family kitchen later to eat bags of chips, multiple granola bars or containers of ice cream instead. I asked my husband to support my decision to have her join the family for dinner and he chose to support my daughter instead, saying "she is 18, she can make this decision on her own". Yet I am the primary care giver, I know her, and her pattern and still he chose to undermine my authority. To me 18 is a number, and not a magic one. This is a family, it is the family's food and rules. She lives with us, she is still in high school, we are supporting her, she is not a guest. I do not think he should have undermined me, supported her lack of respect for me or supported her breaking of the rules of the house.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  RealSupport replied 4 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about your family situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I have to say that you are absolutely right. Based on your story, your daughter is showing disrespectful behaviors, and clearly your husband is not showing enough understanding about differences between respect and spoiling or enabling abusive behavior.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Your daughter is still totally depending on you, and as long as that's the case, she must respect you, your rules, limits and boundaries, taking responsibility for her feelings, choices and actions.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

if she does not like a meal, then she is free to cook something for her, as long as she takes full responsibility for it, from getting the ingredients, to cooking and cleaning, assuming she has a job.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This situation is showing core issue in the different parenting styles you and your husband have, and it seems necessary for you to work on improving the way you work as a team offering consistent and assertive discipline and affection, in order for your daughter to develop her personality and life as a healthy adult.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If your husband is unable or unwilling to come to terms with this need, then I think you would need to get professional marriage and family counseling to work on it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Expert:  RealSupport replied 4 years ago.
Rafael M.T.Therapist says:5:14 PM

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

5:15 PM

I am very sorry to know about your family situation.

5:18 PM

I have to say that you are absolutely right. Based on your story, your daughter is showing disrespectful behaviors, and clearly your husband is not showing enough understanding about differences between respect and spoiling or enabling abusive behavior.

5:24 PM

Your daughter is still totally depending on you, and as long as that's the case, she must respect you, your rules, limits and boundaries, taking responsibility for her feelings, choices and actions.

5:25 PM

if she does not like a meal, then she is free to cook something for her, as long as she takes full responsibility for it, from getting the ingredients, to cooking and cleaning, assuming she has a job.

5:27 PM

This situation is showing core issue in the different parenting styles you and your husband have, and it seems necessary for you to work on improving the way you work as a team offering consistent and assertive discipline and affection, in order for your daughter to develop her personality and life as a healthy adult.

5:28 PM

If your husband is unable or unwilling to come to terms with this need, then I think you would need to get professional marriage and family counseling to work on it.

5:28 PM

Does it make sense?